ICE COLD | billie eilish

15 | in my head

I rushed quickly out the room in an attempt to catch up to Billie who was walking away from me quite fast. Her hands were so blue that I knew she was livid at all the things I had said, but why she didn't blow up at me was a mystery.

I had tears in my eyes and I was no longer angry, but scared that I had just ruined something good.

"Billie! Please, I'm sorry," I cried. She ignored me and kept walking away, to my frustration. "Stop!"

Suddenly she slowed down and turned to face me. "Fuck off." In her eyes I could see that she meant it fully and it was that expression on her face that devastated me. Billie had never looked at me like that, and it hurt.

But I guess I deserved it after all those horrible things I said to her, in-front of her friends too. The tears escaped and I silently cursed myself out for being so weak, and showing my vulnerability.

Billie walked away and left through the double doors at the end of the hallway, leaving me by myself.

In the thick of my emotions and everything happening around me, I got lost in my head. Maybe my mother was right about me. I can't help but destroy everything and ruin any relationship I've ever had.

I didn't even think it was about Jane Emily anymore, it had escalated to much more than that. We had both hurt each other, there was no going back now.

There was a relentless storm outside even though it was only 4pm, so that meant everybody came back inside to spend the rest of their Saturday indoors. I slid my back down against a wall until I was sitting on the hard floor, my head down resting on my knees. Around me people bustled with life and enjoyed their friends company, walking through the hallways carefree.

Maybe I was being dramatic about all this, maybe I had a reason to be this torn up about it. But my only good friend who I possibly liked just walked away from me after a heated argument, over some irrelevant girl who didn't even matter.

And it was then that I realised that I might like Billie. I knew we had kissed but not all kisses are romantic or have a meaning, and at the time I didn't necessarily have a crush on her but now... Tears leaked from my eyes once again as I realised there was no chance of anything blossoming relationship wise between us because I had fucked everything up.

I hoped to see her in the dorm so I could apologise profusely and fix it all, but knowing her, would she even show up? I just prayed that she would for the sake of my own sanity.