ICE COLD | billie eilish

20 | little secret corner

"Ok, I- um." Billie kept rubbing my shoulder in a calming manner and I smiled gratefully. "My dad died from cancer, my mom basically shut me out of her life and didn't care one bit about it. So one day I got angry at it all and- well unintentionally- I set fire to my entire town without knowing, it happened after a big argument with my mom and I screamed in frustration and it must've started something... almost 20 people lost their lives."

I said trying to blink away the tears. "So my mom sent me here."

"Seems like we both got anger issues, huh babygirl?" Billie said making me laugh through my tears.

It's like she always knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. Always. Day or night, I knew Billie was here for me and would always be close to me, whether we were dating or not. Something changed that Sunday afternoon when I confessed my crush. I don't think she was used to that type of affection and it brought out something beautiful in her that the whole world now got to see. And it was in that moment, in the shade of our little secret corner, with her hand on my shoulder, my head on her chest, both of us smiling and genuinely happy, that I realised I loved her.

I love her. Really love her. I'm in love with Billie Eilish. There was nothing holding me back, no reason why I shouldn't tell her in this perfect setting with the perfect girl. I made my decision and took a deep breath.

"Billie, I l-"

"We need to talk," Billie interrupted and sat up. She pulled me back from her and took my hands in hers.

Huh?

I became a little scared when I found that I couldn't look past the wall she had up, her eyes were guarded, like the old times. It unsettled me. Was she going break this off before it even became a thing? To think I was just about to say the dreaded three words. How stupid was I to ever think she'd want to be with me?

I swear I never meant to be so fragile, but my hidden insecurities come out at the worst times. They were like little voices in my head in that moment telling me how silly and dumb I was thinking someone like her would want someone like me.

We all try so hard to push down the insecurities, the anxiety, all the pain just to try and be happy. But sometimes it all comes crashing down.

The tears sprung in my eyes before I could stop them, destroying the last bit of dignity I would've tried and failed to hold onto as she broke up with me.

They were big fat ugly tears that made me feel weak. I pulled my hands out her hold and rubbed at my face as the tears leaked.

"Hey, why are you crying?" Billie asked with concern as she pulled my arms gently away from my face. I shut my eyes tight and felt her pull me into her. The feel of her large chest moving with each breath calmed me down as usual.

My tears dried out and I accepted that it was all good while it lasted. "Cause you brought me here on a date so you can b-break up with me, right? I know you did." I felt her tense at my words and she pulled away. She looked a bit exasperated.

Billie grabbed my hands again and looked intensely into my eyes.

"Santana. I would never. If I wanted to break up with you I would've just said it. I'm not that mean that I would string you along like that." Billie said.

"Oh." Well all of that was for nothing. I really needed to stop getting so in my head all the time. It's unhealthy.

Billie smiled and rolled her eyes at my dumbfounded expression. "Geez, babe. Don't jump to conclusions."

"Well then, what did you want to talk about?"

She got nervous. I could see it in her face, the way her eyes shifted to look at something else before returning to my own. I swallowed and waited for what whatever she was going to say.

"You're one of the best things to ever happen to me, like ever. And lots of shit has happened to me, that's for sure.

"I knew I'd wanna be with you when I saw you standing there, on the ledge of that roof. The wind was blowing in your long hair, your eyes were shining with adrenaline, your arms open. To see you so happy when with one push in the wrong direction you could be gone, it was beautiful. I just watched you like I'd only seen you for the first time, but to be honest, that was the first time I really saw you, Santana.

"I- Geez this shit is hard. Okay. Santana, I love you with every bone in my body and I want everyone to know that. I love you. Will you be mine?"

I started crying again.

My cheeks and ears were tinted pink, my hands were shaking and there was a flutter of butterflies in my stomach.

"What the fuck Billie! Yes I will," I whispered like an excited little girl and squished her happy face in my hands. "I love you." We both caught each other's lips in a passionate, love filled kiss.