DISCONTINUED If Only Memories Could Be Erased(A Shoto Todoroki X Oc Fanfic)

Ch35: Mental state

Happy birthday to the half an half boy. Here's a chapter to celebrate.

Tamaki's pov

I sat in the common room, staring blankly at the sketchbook in front of me. I was trying to think of something to draw but my mind just kept drawing a blank.
"Hey Aizawa" someone called. I looked up, the first thing my eyes registering was a large bundle of green fluff. It took me a few seconds to realize that the green fluff was actually hair and another few seconds to realize the owner of the hair was Midoriya.
"Midoriya?" I asked, probably after a long bit of silence.
"Well.... I was with Todoroki, Iida and Uraraka at the table. We're doing some studying and I was wondering if you wanted to join us" he offered. I stared at him, unsure what to actually say to him.
"OK" I mumbled after a while. I got up, bringing my pencils and notebook with me. The others were sitting at one of the tables. Shoto sat on one couch while Iida and Uraraka sat on another. Shoto turned around, probably hearing us approaching and proceeded to shuffle over on the couch, letting me sit down next to him. I sat down next to him, placing my notebook in my lap. Midoriya sat on my other side.
"Hello there Aizawa. I see you have chosen to come study with us" Iida stated, moving his hand up and down extremely fast to the point that it was like a blur. I didn't answer, instead turning to my phone which vibrated. I had one new message. It was from Amajiki. A simple 'hi' written on my screen. I typed a 'hello' in response before putting my phone in my pocket again. Iida started talking about the English class with Yamada. I tried to concentrate but he was speaking at such a fast rate that I was struggling to keep up. I got mad. Not at him. At myself. I was so stupid that I couldn't comprehend. Everyone started looking at the work Yamada had supplied us with but I still couldn't figure out what was going on. My mind was running a mile a minute and not in a good way. The same words repeating in my head like a broken record.
Stupid.
Idiot.
Dumb.
Retarded.
The grip I had on my pencil tightened. I needed a release. My hand started working, scribbling over the page. Thick dark lines covering almost every inch of white. I didn't know what I was doing until it was finished. I stared down at the sheet which looked ready to crumple into nothing or tare with another line from my pencil. My pencil itself was completely flat, I'd worked it until it couldn't work anymore without being sharpened. The drawing itself was pretty morbid. It was tons of scribbles over the page, the only white on the page were words in bold and what I could probably guess was supposed to be a noose. I blinked. Unsure why that's what I drew. I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Tamaki? Are you alright?" I looked and saw Shoto, a worried gaze on his face. I got to my feet and ran off, hiding in the supply closet. Why the supply closet? It was the closest dark room. I heard the door creak open and cursed under my breath for not locking it behind me.
"Go away Shoto. I don't want to talk about it" I hissed, keeping my face hidden in my knees.
"Actually it's Midoriya" a quite voice replied. He closed the door and sat down next to me.
"Well I don't want to talk to you about it either" I hissed out through gritted teeth. He stayed quite. My phone buzzed and I pulled it out. Amajiki again.
'Are you alright?' I groaned.
"Why does everyone seem to think that they need to ask how I'm doing 24/7. I'm fine" I growled, throwing my phone to the other side of the closet. It landed in a pile of cleaning cloths.
"Everyone asks because they care and they want you to be alright" Midoriya insisted.
"I'm not an idiot. Actually that's debatable. I'm dumb as hell. But my point is, I can tell when someone starts treating me differently. None of you even payed attention to me. No one. Not until I tried to kill myself. Now everyone probably only pretends to care because they don't want to have the guilt of knowing that I died and maybe they could have done something!" I snapped, slamming my hand against the wall behind me. I felt hot tears running down my face and my breathing was heavy and deep.
"Maybe that's how some people feel but there are others who generally want to be your friend. Todoroki definitely cares about you. Mr Aizawa cares" he explained.
"Why did you come in here?" I asked.
"I thought maybe you needed someone else to talk to for once. Not that Todoroki is bad at this. Its more that having other people who care could help" he explained.
"Why did you ask me to join you? Was it Shoto's idea?" I asked.
"Well. In a sense. But I wanted you to join us. Since your Todoroki's girlfriend and he hangs out with my friends and I, I thought it would be nice if you could hang out with them too" he explained. I looked at my feet.
"About the drawing?" he asked.
"It wasn't intentional. Or maybe it was. I don't know. Nowadays, I can't tell the difference between things I actually mean and things that sound like I want to jump off the roof. Not like I haven't thought about that either. I'm such a damm idiot. I couldn't figure out what all of you were talking about and after only like 3 minutes, I got angry at myself. There's something wrong with me" I sighed.
"That's not true. You're just having a hard time. Your an insomniac right?" he asked.
"Yeah" I mumbled.
"Well I remember seeing an article about concentration and some of the things that affect someone's concentration is Depression, insomnia, hunger and stress" he explained. I looked at him.
"I doubt your stupid. You wouldn't have gotten into U.A through recommendations if you were" Midoriya explained.
"I was recommended because I'm the daughter of Eraserhead. Everyone knows that he won't be around forever. It's better to find someone who can do what he does but better. That's exactly what I am. Except I'm not better. I'm worse. I can barely control the electricity part of my quirk. Every time I use it, my fingers become numb" I sighed.
"Don't dwell on that. You can improve. Now how about we get out of here. Todoroki is worried about you" Midoriya explained. I gave a small nod, slowly getting up, making sure to retrieve my phone from the cloth.