Felixity (Chanlix FF, english)

-xXChapter 36Xx-

Later that day Felix wasn't paying really attention to his friends. Not even to Jisung, who looked at him with worrying eyes. He knew that Felix wasn't telling the truth after asking him, if he would be okay. It was just an excuse for not worrying about him but in the end Jisung did. It was not hard to see how much Felix suffered from Chan's coldness, his ignorance and by he was being treated. Jisung wanted to talk to him and Felix ignored him. He didnn't show it much but Jisung sensed it. It was like a wall growing between them. He needed to talk to Chan. Chan got too far with it. „Is everything okay?", Yunmin asked his friend because he also sensed Felix's sadness and silence. It was unfamiliar for him seeing Felix in such a bad mood. Felix tried to distract himself from the pain but it was impossible. Whatever he did, Chan's harsh words appeared on and on. They reached the ice creamshop and Seungmin bought for all ice cream. He saw how Felix licked up his ice cream cone in such a monotonous way, that it looked like, somebody forced him to lick it. Felix looked like he made it out of a storm. Weak and with a sorrowful look. He was too scared to ask his friend, what thing made him look like this. Felix was always smiling. Was everything okay with his relationship with Chan? What if Chan did his famous move and broke already up with him? Seungmin felt like he haven't talked to Felix for ages because all Felix cared was Chan.

The time passed by and Felix wanted to go home. He thought as long as he was with his friends his dark thoughts would leave, but he also could just stayed at home and watching the wall of pain. Felix's new word for the wall with Chan's pictures. Wall of pain. How perfectly it fits. Jisung promised to talk to Chan, because he couldn't see Felix's suffering so much of Chan's rudeness. However Felix begged him for staying away from it. He dragged Jisung too much in it and he was so nice to him. It was unnecessary to get in troubl ewith Chan.

On the next day Felix felt that terrible and was graving so much for Chan's love, that he woke up being completly in pain, it was like falling inside a nightmare and air was less. It was hard to breathe. Felix just wanted to close his eyes and never wake up again. Another day being heartbroken was a a day too much. It was the day, where Felix started to hit himself. He couldn't buy Chan's love or make him fall in love but at least he could have Chan's attention and made him horny. Also he wanted to show Chan all his pain and all worse things that Chan brought in Felix life. He needed to see, how hard he had crushed his heart. 

The first hit was horrible and i thurted way more than expected. His body was not used to feel pain in a physical way yet. Felix will teach himself, that this is the only way to be close to Chan. The only way to hav emoments of love. Felix knew he couldn't get away from his deep crush so he needed to do the things, wich Chan loved. The blonde boy can't forget how much Chan smiled after seeing him cutting himself. He needed to see it once more. This beautiful and caring smile. So Felix kept hitting himself till his body started to ache and creating red marks all over his body. Minho must feel so hurt like this. Beating up and all alone. Yes, Minho must feel so horrible like this. The pain was pulsating in the same rythm as his heart and Felix hated it for still beating. He wished his fucking heart would stop like Minhos and for a moment he wished it would be him instead of the brunette boy, which were laying in the long grass and staring in the endless blackness. Would it be better then? Would the pain go away? Felix felt tears in his eyes again. Chan would love it. He would totally enjoy this view and tell him how beautiful he was. So broken and in pain. At nighttime Felix was so tired that he slept right away. Hitting himself made him tired and Felix wished for sleep. 

The next day Felix woke up in pain. His body hurted like he was hit by a car. Felix could feel every inch of his body. It really hurted. The blonde boy checked on his skin to see bruises in every shade of purple and blue. The area on his stomach was a mess, a proof of what a fist could  do to a human skin. His arms were also covered in bruises. Chan would definetly love it. He would wished for more. Felix got up carefully to avoid the pain. How should he find excuses, if his parents would see this mess? Getting in a fight after Felix promising he would not bully any one was not a good excuse. Was there something else, wich could be a good lie? He couldn't tellthem that he just hit him because he was in pain and just want to have Chan's attention. She wouldn't understand it. Just Chan would understand it. Just him.

Lixiieeeee :(((( You don't know how much I hate doing homeoffice :') My colleges are all skilled with that emailthing and doing stuff at home like on work but then that's me who has NO skills for things like this and I am sitting here and being desperate for 24/7. I aM dEfInEtLy FrOm StoNe AgE :')) 

Btw should I upload a drawing of Chan in the next chapter? It's not the best drawing but yeah