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Some days I wonder alone, in my bed at night thinking about who my soulmate truly is.I believe we all have a soul mate somewhere on this planet, no matter how far away they may be. You can choose to discard that love, but you can never stop feeling it. All my life I've struggled with the unrequited truth, yet I never seem to discover what it is I really long for. Is it love? Is it not? I need to be able to let my heart function to that extent.
I may hate the person, or the person may hate me; but that can never erase the fact that if my heart pulsates at immense speed around that person, is that love?
The streets of Seoul carried me away, down the gum-covered asphalt as I took in the mornings luminescence. I had a meeting today with the producer the discuss the final scene of the show i'm starring in, which is meant to include a huge romantic scenario.
Hyunjin and I haven't spoken since the kiss. Maybe he was sticking to being professional, as it was only an 'on screen kiss.' But everything about it gave me this weird feeling... like something was crawling around in my stomach. Could it be butterflies?
Plus, the amount of times I tried to discard not only the image, but the sense of his lips on mine, felt a rush of dopamine as my lips locked with his. I can't say it's mutual, but I am certain that Hyunjin didn't just make do with the fact that it was for acting purposes.
"Lottie?" A voice echoed but I was so deep in thought I didn't notice my name was being called.
I really shouldn't be overthinking the kiss. It was ONE kiss with no meaning. It wasn't a 'Hyunjin and Lottie' kiss, it was our character's kissing. All this paranoia is honestly giving me a headache.
"Lottie-- are you alright?"
Oh shit, and then there's Yerim who probably has a grudge against me now. Who know's what burdensome damage she'll stir up in the next few days. Hours even.
"LOTTIE DAVIS." I jolt up in my stance, staring at Jaehyun who peers over me with a concerned expression. His hand brushes my arm consolingly as he looks into my eyes to figure out what has been keeping me quiet.
"Are you feeling alright? You look a bit pasty" That deep voice caresses my ears as I relax into his touch. I nod, looking at him with a grin, but my mind vacant to a new thought.
Do I love Jaehyun? Because my heart flutters whenever I see him, but it's not the same sensational feeling I receive whenever I see Hyunjin, or when he kissed me. I don't get those goosebumps I get around Hyunjin with Jaehyun.
I smack my face, giving Jaehyun a reason to be even more concerned.
STOP COMPARING THEM LOTTIE.
"Sorry.... I have a headache. I need to get to work... i'll text you later." I dart off into the direction of my workplace, leaving Jaehyun dumbfounded and shocked.
"Yup, there's something up with that girl." He chuckles, finding himself loving everything about you. Even your flaws he finds adorable. He feels like a teenage boy again with his first crush.
_____
The meeting had climaxed without a Hyunjin in view. No-one questioned his existence, leaving me to only wonder on my own. It was probably some idol business he had to take care of, but I still worry.
And yes, I shamefully admit I still worry about Hyunjin... which has nothing to do with love of course.
I think.
I thought that maybe it wasn't just work.. maybe he and Yerim really were a fitting match.
And pain always bursts through my chest whenever I hear their names spoken in the same sentence. I am ridiculous. He hates me, and I wouldn't blame him... our break-up was ridiculous.
Who knows, if I had told the truth to him sooner.. could we, to this day, still be together? Would that have worked? I mean.. I think of it everyday.
In short, I think of him everyday. When I kissed Jaehyun.. it was like I was kissing Hyunjin, not him. And I hate myself for that.
I'm trying so hard with Jaehyun. And the more I hang out with him, the more I feel myself loving him. But am I in love with him or do I love him? I struggle with that thought everyday.
Jaehyun called me before work and informed me that he wanted to hangout tonight, just the two of us at his place, to watch a movie together and have him make his very own meal for us to share.
He was a romantic like that... something I never experienced with Hyunjin as he is more outgoing and childish.
The two personalities were challenging, but both so fascinating that I itch to find out what it's like being in a romantics relationship.
____
"Hey." Jaehyun greeted me at the door of his penthouse. He was different. He had more laid back, messy hair and his face was softer and all natural, without any makeup. He had sweats on and he wore slip ons.
It was a look I loved on him. I find myself loving everything about this man, from head to toe.
"Hi." I greeted back, his lips claiming mine for a quick peck.
Pulling back, he took my hand to the kitchen where the smell of spices and wine blessed my senses, causing me to shudder from the amazing scent.
"Why don't you make yourself at home, my room is down the hall." He told me, smiling like a teenage boy.
And then that reminded me of Hyunjin.
I ambled down the hall, smacking my head violently to discard any images of that man.
Tonight it was about Jaehyun.
And I will make sure to forget about Hyunjin, at all costs.
