Fall For You

Chapter 39 - Sorry

#FFYwp
Chapter 39 - Sorry

"How's Addy?" Nahimigan ko ang boses ni Kuya Andrei mula sa labas ng kwarto ko.

"Hindi parin lumalabas ng kwarto niya. Hindi parin kumakain." Narinig kong sabi ni Mommy.

"It's been two days." Ani Kuya.

"I know. Trust me, I am worried too. Pag dinadalhan namin siya ng pagkain, tubig lang ang nagagalaw niya. She won't eat anything and she won't stop crying." Sambit ni Mommy.

Sandaling natahimik sa labas ng kwarto ko bago ko narinig ulit si Kuya Andrei. "Hindi siya naging ganito nung naghiwalay sila ni Arnold, and to think they were together longer." Aniya.

"Anak, wala sa tagal yan. Hindi porket mas matagal, eh ibig sabihin mas mahal. Yes, she loved Arnold. But she never loved anyone like she loved Tobi. Tobi's her great love. And you don't just move on from a love like that—you can't." Sabi ni Mommy.

She's right.

I've never loved anyone like I've loved him. I loved him more than anything, more than anyone. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to love like that again—let alone love someone else.

I mean, I know heartbreaks, alright. I've experienced how painful it is first hand. But this, this is a different kind of pain.

Maybe Mom's right, maybe with the kind of love I've felt for Tobi, I won't be able to just move on from it. But I have to try.

I owe that to myself.

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko at inayos ang suot kong damit. Gulat ang rumehistro sa kanilang dalawa nang lumabas ako ng kwarto.

"Where are you going?" Gulat na tanong ni Mommy.

Huminga ako ng malalim para pigilan ang luha ko. "May kailangan lang po akong puntahan." I told them.

"Where? Ipagdadrive kita." Agad na sabi ni Kuya Andrei.

I shook my head. "I can do it." Sabi ko bago lumapit para umakap kay Mommy at kay Kuya Andrei.

"Sweetie." Malambing na tawag ni Mommy sa akin bago ako makababa ng hagdan.

Bahagya akong ngumiti. "Don't worry. I'm fine, Mom. I can do this." I assured her.

They both sighed. "Text me, alright? I love you." Sabi ni Mommy bago ako tuluyang bumaba.

The drive to the cemetery was excruciating. Damn it, why is it so fucking hard to function?

Pagdating ko sa sementeryo ay may iilan nalang na tao doon na nagliligpit ng upuan. Mukhang kakatapos lang ng inihandang ceremony nila Tita Chloe para kay Tito Ashton.

Minabuti ko talaga na pahapunin ang punta para wala na akong abutan na tao.

Ilang minuto pa akong nanatili sa sasakyan ko at nang matapos na sila magligpit at makaalis na lahat ng tao ay tsaka lang ako nagpasyang bumaba ng sasakyan ko.

I felt the familiar peace whenever I go here.

Truth be told, this has been my safe place for the past year. Tuwing masasaktan ako, tuwing madidisappoint ako, tuwing umiiyak ako, dito ako pumupunta at kinekwento ko lahat kay Tito Ashton at kay Tita Harmony.

I know I've only known Tito Ashton for over a year and Tita Harmony, well, I never really knew her, but somehow, whenever I go here, I just feel like I can finally let out my frustrations. I feel like I'm allowed to pour my heart out. I feel free.

Pakiramdam ko dito, pwede kong ilabas lahat ng sakit.

Pakiramdam ko nga ay napapagod na sila sa dami ng hinaing at drama ko sa buhay, kung naririnig man nila ako.

Which is why even though every inch of my body is telling me to stay in bed, to continue sulking, I got up, and went here.

Inilapag ko ang dala kong bulaklak.

Once again, I felt the familiar hot liquid streaming down my face.

Happy one year in heaven, Tito. Kamusta po kayo dyan?

Sorry I was not able to fulfill my promise, not just to Tobi, but to you. Sabi ko sainyo hindi ko siya susukuan. Sabi ko hindi ko siya iiwan. Sabi ko titiisin ko lahat.

Pero hindi ko na po kaya. Masyado na pong masakit.

I know that pain changes people. I just didn't expect that he'll be a completely different person. I thought I could still bring him back from the deep end. But I was wrong.

When I looked at him that night, and I can barely recognize him myself.

Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa mga salitang binitawan ni Tobi noong gabing yun. Kasi yung Tobi na nakilala ko, yung Tobi na minahal ko, kahit kailan ay hindi siya magbibitiw ng ganung salita.

Hell, I remember leaving him on the dance floor once, and instead of being mad at me, he drove around the city trying to find me to make sure that I'm safe.

His heart is pure like that—or atleast it used to.

So that night, I finally realized that I had to stop, I had to finally let go—I had to finally give up.

Kumabog ang dibdib ko nang maramdaman ko itong tumabi sa akin.

Shit.

"Addy." Anito.

Kahit hindi ko lingunin ay alam ko kung sino iyon. Kabisadong kabisado ko ang boses niya. Kabisadong kabisado ko miski ang amoy at presensya niya.

Damn it! What the hell is he doing here?

Nagpahapon na nga ako para hindi ko ito abutan, eh.

Pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko bago ako tumalikod at mag-umpisang magmartsa palayo sa puntod ni Tito Ashton.

Hindi pa man ako nakakalayo ay nahawakan nito ang kamay ko at napihit niya na ako paharap sakanya. "Addy. I—I'm sorry." Mahinang sabi niya.

Malamlam ang mata nito ngayon. Malayong malayo sa mapang-akusa at malamig na tingin nito noong isang gabi.

Gamit ang isa kong kamay ay inalis ko ang pagkakahawak nito sa akin.

I don't know if it's just me but I saw pain flashed his eyes. I ignored it, nonetheless.

"Let's talk, please." Pagmamakaawa nito.

Umiling ako. "Wala na tayong dapat pag-usapan. So please, just give me a break." I told him before I left him there, dumbfounded.

Pagod na akong masaktan. Pagod na akong umasa. Pagod na akong umiyak.

Pagod na pagod na ako sa lahat.

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