safe - h.s (EDITING)

thirty-one

It was now Saturday and I am having another bad day. It wasn't as bad as the last one because I don't have the urge to hurt myself but I'm just very drained and exhausted.

Harry lost his shit when he woke up and he knew my mood had changed. He told me he would stay home and make sure I was okay instead of doing whatever he had to do. It took him a good two hours of convincing that I was going to be okay and that Louis or Niall would message or call him straight away if I did anything even slightly out of character.

By 12 pm he had left and it was now 7 pm as Niall and Louis were in the lounge room with Willow as I lay in bed, not really wanting to deal with a 5-year-old currently.

I hated this feeling.

It was like sadness but as if the sadness ate away at every part of your body.

Your mind. Your heart. Even just your muscles, making it harder to even get up.

Today wasn't like what happened at Harry's. Today wasn't an urge to hurt myself. Today was the urge to numb myself.

Last time it wanted to feel something because I was numb. Anything, even if it was pain.

This time I don't want to feel anything because it's too much. It's unbearable.

It had been like this all day and I was getting quite fucking sick of it. I just wanted to get rid of the feeling and I couldn't.

What I wanted to do right now was drink and smoke. That's what I always did and it helped a shit ton. I knew Louis and Niall wouldn't allow me to do so and I didn't really want to in front of Willow.

An idea suddenly popped into my head.

I picked up my phone from my bedside table and unlocked it before going to my contacts and clicking call.

"Hello?" the person on the other end of the line said.

"Max, hi!" I say trying to sound as cheerful as possible. Honestly, not even I would believe me with the shit I just pulled. You would've thought after all these years you'd think I'd be better at acting happy like this.

"Lana? Fuck I haven't heard from you in ages are you alright?" he says happily and I heard people talking in the background. They seemed to be getting further away and I heard his footsteps meaning he was walking away from whatever was going on.

"Yeah, I'm fine dude. I was just gonna ask if you're doing anything tonight?" I said sitting up in my bed for the third time the entire day. I heard a door open and close before he responded.

"I was just gonna head down to a bonfire with the would group. Do you wanna come?" he asks and my mood was lifted a little already.

"I would love to. Is Hannah going?" I asked.

"Yeah she and Kina are heading down at about 9. Do you want me to pick you up or will you go with them?" he asked and I thought to myself for a moment.

"Uh I'll just go with them and save you the trouble," I answer once I came to a decision and I heard shuffling on the other end of the line.

"Okay, I guess I'll see you there," he says cheerfully and if I wasn't in such a shitty mood I would've smiled.

"See you later," I say before I pulled the phone away from my ear and hung up. I scrolled through my contacts again until I found the second person I needed to call.

"Hi Hannah," I say once the phone had been answered.

"Hey," she said almost sounding out of breath.

"Baby come back," I heard Kina's voice whine in the background and part of me cringed.

"Sorry did I interrupt something," I say shyly, not wanting to bother them.