Hetalia Stuff

Russia and Turkey HC

Ahem, so, courtesy of @biiiiiiiiiish, this thing exists. Seriously, otherwise this chapter wouldn't be here.

So basically, when Turkey was the Ottoman Empire, they sent the Russians this letter; 

"Sultan Mehmed IV to the Zaporozhian Cossacks: As the Sultan; son of Muhammad; brother of the sun and moon; grandson and viceroy of God; ruler of the kingdoms of Macedonia, Babylon, Jerusalem, Upper and Lower Egypt; emperor of emperors; sovereign of sovereigns; extraordinary knight, never defeated; steadfast guardian of the tomb of Jesus Christ; trustee chosen by God Himself; the hope and comfort of Muslims; confounder and great defender of Christians – I command you, the Zaporogian Cossacks, to submit to me voluntarily and without any resistance, and to desist from troubling me with your attacks."

I tell you, skip from 'Zaporozhian Cossacks' to 'I command you'. The rest is title bullshit that is over fanciful. This is the reply they got from the Russians; 

"Zaporozhian Cossacks to the Turkish Sultan!O sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil's kith and kin, secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight are thou, that canst not slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil shits, and your army eats. Thou shalt not, thou son of a whore, make subjects of Christian sons; we have no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, fuck thy mother.Thou Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig's snout, mare's arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw thine own mother!So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife. You won't even be herding pigs for the Christians. Now we'll conclude, for we don't know the date and don't own a calendar; the moon's in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day's the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!

 — Koshovyi otaman Ivan Sirko, with the whole Zaporozhian Host"

I strongly advise you read that entire letter for creative insults

So maybe it's slightly exaggerated. 

Whatever.

Point is, can you imagine while those letters are exchanged, the exact same words are being exchanged face to face by Turkey (or the Ottoman Empire, then) and Russia who's still a lil' kid. Ivan says all those insults with that trademark smile of his, leaving Adnan staring at him in shock and confusion, then Katyuska in the background just gasps and is like: "IVAN WHO TAUGHT YOU SUCH LANGUAGE?"

Ivan just innocetly replies; "England."

Ukraine loses her shit.