The Assistant | Scavi

Learning to Trust

After they had finished dinner, Avi and Scott tidied up. The blonde insisted to help, even though Avi didn't want him to.

"So... shall we sit down in the Hollywood swing?" Scott asked once they had put the dishes into the dishwasher.

Avi nodded slowly. "We should. Do you want to have another drink?"

"Actually a cup of tea would be nice" Scott replied.

Avi chuckled. "Tea it is. Any special wishes?"

Scott shrugged his shoulders. "Surprise me" he replied. "I'll go to the bathroom meanwhile."

Once he got back from the bathroom, Avi was just pouring water into a big thermos teapot. "That's a huge teapot," he said astonished. "Who is joining us?"

Avi shrugged his shoulders. "I think that we'll need a lot of tea for this conversation," he said.

Scott noticed that something in the musician's voice was off so he stepped up to him and put a hand onto his arm. "No need to be nervous, Avi. I am here because I want to listen to what you have to say. I want us to work it out together, I'll help if you need help..."

Avi took a deep breath. "Thank you... and I know." He looked at the blonde with a small smile on his face. "If you want to you can go outside already. I need to go to the bathroom as well and then I'll join you with the tea."

"Of course." Scott took the two mugs Avi had already gotten out and went out to the swing. He put the mugs on the coffee table right next to the swing and then sat down. He looked around, eyed the apple tree which was still in full bloom and the other flowers Avi had planted in his garden. Then he took out his phone to make sure that it was silent. He didn't want to be interrupted.

A few minutes later Avi came out with the teapot. He sat down next to Scott after pouring two mugs of tea and handing Scott one. "Here... something fruity..."

"Thank you" Scott said and carefully took a sip. "Mmmm, nice."

Avi smiled. "It is."

They both stayed silent for a while, until Scott decided to say something. He had suspected that the musician needed him to start talking, so he did. "About Friday..." he began.

Avi took a deep breath. "Yeah, about Friday," he said and then faltered for a moment. "You know that I don't really like video shoots, I have to admit that it was a rather nice day. And I was really looking forward to spend the evening with you. I just wanted to get my spare clothes from upstairs, say goodbye to everyone and leave. But when I joined the crew on the veranda, I heard them talking... I didn't know who they were talking about, but it sure was about another artist they had worked with. They were laughing and cracking jokes about his sexuality. Then they said that they were happy to work with a real man this time instead of a fag." Avi looked away and blinked a few times to get rid of the tears which were welling up in his eyes. "When I heard these words I just had to get away. I panicked, Scott. I got into my car and just drove without thinking about anything else. When I arrived here I saw that you called and felt so bad. I also saw that Esther had had called and called her. She told me to reach out to you, but I just couldn't do it, Scott. I'm sorry..."

Scott listened patiently to what the bearded man told him. It hurt him deeply to see him so small, so insecure. Once Avi took a longer break from talking and sipped from his tea, Scott decided to speak up. "Avi... what you just told me is a lot to process. Do you... just wanted me to know, or do you want to talk about it?"

Avi shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, Scott. I just want you to understand why I went away. Why I fled. And why I couldn't call you..." he said. "I know that I called you a friend, but... I just didn't know how you would react, after all, I just left you behind for no reason..." He looked down into his half empty cup of tea.

"Avi?" Scott said softly and carefully put an arm around him. "You didn't leave without a reason. You panicked and needed to get out of there. I never have felt this way, but I guess it wasn't a conscious decision?"

Avi shook his head. "No. When I start to panic, my body always goes into autopilot" he explained. Like... I know what's happening, but it feels as if I'm not actively deciding."

"See?" Scott said. "It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong this day, you couldn't do anything else."

"But I should have called you, Scott. Or texted you" Avi replied. "I just couldn't do it. I know how stupid this is, after all, you're a friend."

"It's not stupid, Avi. Yes, we are friends and yes, you told me some very private things about you. But it takes time to really learn to trust someone. Especially if you're dealing with social anxiety. I don't know to which extent you're dealing with it and how it is for you, but Mitch, my best friend has social anxiety, too. He says it's very mild and that it comes up only in some situations by now, but he needed a long time to adapt to certain things" Scott explained patiently. "And I feel like you need to adapt to the idea of letting someone new into your life."

Avi nodded. "Yes. That's how it is when I meet new people" he said. "But I thought we've come pretty far. But then this happened and I was just scared that you would be angry with me for leaving you alone. I was scared that I would lose you as a friend."

Scott smiled at him. "But I am here, Avi. I am here because I want to be here, because I want to be your friend and I want you to be my friend."

"I get that now, Scott. And I am sorry that I didn't trust you before..." Avi said, looking away again.

Scott raised his free hand and laid it onto Avi's cheek, softly urging the bearded man to face him again. "Avi..."

"Hmm?"

"It's not your fault. You don't need to apologise." Scott looked into Avi's eyes, which were glistening with tears. "I just want you to learn that you can trust me. That you can talk to me about everything. I know that it is a process, but it's worth it. And I will be patient with you, I promise."

Avi sniffled. "Thank you, Scott..." he said. "I don't know how I deserve a friend like you."

But Scott just shook his head. "You are a wonderful man, Avi. You are kind, you have a pure soul..."

"But I was so mean to you..." Avi spoke up again, wiping a few stray tears away with the back of his hand.

"That might be true. But I think that it's just your defense mechanism. I always kinda knew that underneath it all there's a kind heart" Scott returned. "And it is true. I just had to be patient with you and it was so worth it."

The bearded man sniffled again and Scott pulled him into a tight hug. "It's okay, Avi" he said softly when the bearded man started to sob. "Let it all out." He held him tight against his chest with one arm and tangled his free hand in Avi's soft curls, then letting it glide down his spine, all to help calm the musician down, as he cried his heart out.

But instead of calming down, Avi's sobs became more violent. Scott didn't know where all these tears came from and it hurt him to see Avi like this, especially when he grabbed Scott's shirt with one hand and clutched it, as if he was scared that Scott would go away.

"I've got you" he whispered, not trusting his voice as tears fell from his eyes as well. "I won't leave you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~