The Assistant | Scavi

Honesty

"You love... me?"

Scott nodded fondly, hoping that he wasn't saying anything wrong. "I do" he confirmed, looking down to see his boyfriend's reaction.

Avi shook his head. He first sniffled softly, then started to sob.

Scott simply held his boyfriend tight, let him cry against his chest, not saying anything before Avi had calmed down.

"Sorry... I'm overwhelmed" Avi finally spoke up, still sobbing every now and then.

"It's fine, Avi. Take all the time you need to calm down. But you know that we need to talk, hmm? About the medicine you're taking?" Scott still feared that Avi would spiral down into another panic attack, but to his surprise the bearded man just nodded.

"I know. I'm glad that you know. I... didn't know how to tell you. Didn't want you to worry." He stopped there and looked down onto his hands. "You didn't sleep last night because you were worried, right?"

"That's true, but not the point right now, Avi. It's not about me, this is about you" Scott said.

"But my actions are affecting you and-" Avi shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"I know. And I also know that you didn't take those pills just for fun" Scott said.

Avi shook his head. "I hate them, but... at first it was just one before big events which made me anxious."

"Like?"

"The release party. I couldn't get away from all these important people, so I had a panic attack before I was able to take something. I took one just before you found me in the bathroom" Avi explained.

"And during this tour?" Scott asked.

Avi took a deep breath. "The first few nights. Not before the show but before going outside to meet fans. Then only on nights when I felt really bad. Like the first night I went out after the panic attack. And when you left... it escalated" he explained. "I cannot tell you how many I took. I wanted to stop as soon as you were back, but... I couldn't."

Scott was glad that Avi was so honest with him. "And when was the last time you took one?"

Avi bit his lower lip. "When I was in the bathroom" he whispered.

Scott took a deep breath. He hadn't expected this, but also knew that he shouldn't make a fuss out of it. "Okay" he therefore simply said.

"It's not okay, Scott. I... shouldn't have to take anxiety medication before spending a day with my boyfriend, but I was feeling so uneasy. Like I needed the medicine" Avi said.

"I'm not a professional, Avi, but I feel like your body is getting used to having the medicine" Scott said.

Avi nodded. "That's what I was most scared of. I only wanted to take the pills until you were back. You always make me feel safe and I thought that I wouldn't need the pills once you were back with me. But apparently I was wrong."

"You know, Love, I will always be there for you, will always take care of you. But your anxiety is too much for me to handle. You need therapy and you know it" Scott said, wanting to carefully introduce Avi to the idea of talking to the therapist.

"I know. I just have to get through the last shows somehow..." Avi said. "Then I'll have my appointment."

"I know and I am still so proud of you for making this appointment, but I think that you need help right now. I talked to Mitch, he's willing to give his weekly appointment to you so you can talk to the therapist via skype. As some sort of emergency intervention to find a way to deal with your..."