Cursed Fate

Chapter 53- the world comes crashing down

(Y/N) POV:

It's just over a week later, a week of waking up in the middle of the night feeling constrained and frozen as though I've been strapped into a straitjacket, a week of waking up with horror flooding my veins and panic blinding me and clouding normal reasoning until I saw Kookie safe and sound, tucked up in someone's arms or sometimes spooning me. A week of where I didn't go into work because I'd have to walk pass that road, I was bothered that it was getting to me so much. Ashamed that it was reverting me back into my old self even if it was by a fraction, but I'd hated who I had been and never wanted to go back to the shell I used to be.

It was a feeling that made me feel revulsion towards myself, even though the boys kept reassuring me that it was a normal reaction, a warranted response, I couldn't help feel as though I'd failed myself somewhat, as if I had failed the promise I had made to myself and to my parents that I would be stronger. If I was strong, why had I fallen weak when it mattered?

The only thing that stopped me from feeling absolutely pathetic was the fact that Kookie had bounced back quickly, if he had suffered or had a long term impact from Yuna and Choi then I would've stormed over to set them right, whether or not I was still traumatised wouldn't have mattered.

I hoped slowly with time that memory would fade for him, dissolve into nothing and if it meant I would wake up terrified sometimes whilst he slept peacefully, it was a sacrifice I would make in a heartbeat.

But what was weighing down on me I needed to talk it out. With someone. There were still shadows from my past that hovered over me, a personal cluster of gloomy clouds that hovered over me and threatened to block out the happiness I was experiencing at present. There were still countless demons I hadn't faced. Had pushed to the side in hope that they wouldn't come rearing their ugly heads. But how long could I count on ignorance for? How long until the path ended and there was no where to run?

Hobi oppa and Joonie oppa had sat me down between them, cocooned me in the warmth of their bodies and gently talked to me, waited for me to open up with what it was that was sending me careering into a panic. It had helped. A lot.

Having someone to lean on, someone to talk to. They'd understood when I burst into tears and gasped between breaths, getting out that the incident had been stirring up old memories I had repressed, or tried to. Had sat there patiently, providing me with silent support through hugs and warm touches and let me get it out. It had felt like the fist that squeezed my heart every time I thought of my past was slowly easing it's grip. Slowly I felt like there would be a day when I could look back at my past and be proud that I had survived it.

There was something so reassuring, so comforting about the way they'd looked at me. Not with pity, not with sympathy but with understanding, with empathy that I had difficulties and that I was trying to cope with them. it made me feel on an equal level, like I could voice my thoughts and they would always respect them and value them.

That's why I was able to stand at the door, unafraid, ready to go to the station and say goodbye to the chapter that was Yuna and Choi. I had Joonie oppa, Yoongi oppa and Tae with me, Kookie had been more worried for me, he didn't want to see them, and shot me a reassuring look from where he sat comfortably on Hobi oppa's lap.

I could do this. I would do this.

----

I couldn't do this.

I stood outside the door to the holding cell, eyeing it nervously as though it would suddenly collapse in on itself and reveal to me the two who had hurt me.

But I gathered up my resolve, gathered every shred of my broken self and pulled myself together, looked at the reassuring and strong gazes of my soulmates and gathered courage.