It's Not Easy

She's my friend

Time flies when everything is going as smooth as it is now. Three weeks completely disappeared and we have everything recorded already. I don't think Fleetwood Mac have ever worked together so well, which makes me happy and excited for the future, I doubt we're going to stop now. Well, for a little while until Stevie is up to doing something else with us. 

Speaking of Stevie, I couldn't be more relieved. I honestly thought we've burnt all our bridges, but actually, she was right, when we want to, we can be great friends. Over these past few weeks she and I have grown so much closer together, it's quite unbelievable. I don't know what's changed in her or in me, or in both of us, but whatever it was, it was definitely a change for the better. Even if I can't have her as my woman, at least she's my friend, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Right before everyone was supposed to show up, Stevie arrived half an hour early, which was a shock. I knew she wanted to ask me something and she didn't need the others to hear it. Apparently Adam is out of town with work, not that I know what it is that he does. She's five months pregnant at the moment and ever since the start of her pregnancy, she hasn't been alone. I thought she might ask me to come around for a few hours or something like that, but no. Stevie asked to stay here for the weekend. I didn't reply instantly, because I didn't expect anything like that, just because I thought if she needed anything, she'd ask Christine. While I was processing it, she started backing out, of course. I was quick to let her know that I was just giving it some thought and she can stay as long as she wants. 

Chris, Mick and John left an hour or so ago, I'm in the kitchen making Stevie a cup of tea that she asked for and I see her walking down the stairs, after changing into more comfortable clothes. I'm starting to feel uneasy about this, I feel like I'm intruding, I shouldn't be here or something. 

"Let's go to the living room or you prefer these high stools?"

"No, a couch would be better." She says and we go to the other room, she thanks me for the tea when I set it on the table in front of her. "I hope this isn't too weird for you."

"Oh, it is. Trust me." An unexpected burst of laughter escapes from her and I can't help but join in. "What's so funny?"

"I'm surprised at how honest your answer was."

"I mean... Don't take it the wrong way, I like having you around and it's good, but I feel like I should be the last person by your side during this period of time."

"I can go home."

"No, no don't be silly. It's okay, really." I do my best to smile genuinely. "You seriously haven't spent a single day by yourself since you got pregnant?"

"That's right. Adam leaves from time to time, but never overnight. The house is too big and too empty, I don't feel very comfortable there on my own."

"And you do here?"

She takes a sip from the cup before answering, which means she's thinking about what she's going to say. "I do, I lived here."

"You did... Anyway, we've got time, why don't you tell me about this guy, I don't know if he's good enough for you." I'm only half joking.

She smiles and sits back, resting against the back of the couch. "We met soon after you and I separated. I didn't think I'd feel so lost and alone. He had also just broke up with his girflriend and we met on a beach."

"A beach?" Out of all places...

"Yes. I was there and he was there, he glanced at me a few times, I back at him, he smiled at me and I at him, and we eventually said hi and started talking, exchanged contacts later and we started seeing each other almost every day, as friends." She adds, but I somehow doubt it. "We got to know each other very well in the upcoming months. He asked me out one night, we had drinks, we got into a car that took me home, he walked me up the driveway and kissed goodnight. It was innocent really, but..." She shruggs and looks away from me. "I wanted a man, he was there, we had sex and, you know, here we are."

This is hard to listen to, but I asked... "What did you mean by saying you were sort of seeing him?"

"I'm not in love with him, I highly doubt he is with me. But... Well, I got pregnant and he feels responsible. I'm in my late forties, he's almost fourty. It's like... why not, you know." Relief washes over me when she says there's no love between them.

"This is so unlike you. You're being with a person just because."

"Lindsey, I'm almost fifty years old. I'm going to be a mother soon and I can't handle it on my own. Adam is a good guy, we have a great thing going, it works for us. I don't expect you to understand."

"And I don't." The words come out more harshly than I intended to. "I'm sorry. It's just that... you know..."

"Not really." She shakes her head and smiles, with a hint of sadness, at me.

"It should have been me."

"Don't go there, please." She catches on right away. 

"No, I mean it. I'm so sorry, Steph." I didn't want to, but it just slipped out. I miss calling her that. "We were supposed to stay married and have a baby and be happy."

"That was not meant to be."

"And it fucking sucks!"

Her eyes well up with tears, as do mine. "Linds, it's not your fault..."

"How isn't it my fault? It's not you, it's me. I can't have children." She takes my hand in hers and presses to her lips. 

"I'm begging you, let's not talk about this."

"But that's what tore us apart."

"No, you're wrong. There were many other things keeping us from being happy. Not being able to have a baby was a big deal, but it wasn't all of it. You can't blame it all on yourself. It doesn't mean we would have stayed together if we had had a child."

I sigh and nod in agreement, only because it hurts too much to talk any more about it. I realize our hands are still clasped together and I can't begin to say how good something as simple feels right now. I take my eyes off of the hold of our hands and lift them to stare into hers. "I love you, Steph."

I see her chest raising and falling faster, I look at her expectantly, but she doesn't say anything back.