It's Not Easy

It's not your fault

To say the following weeks were terrifying isn't enough. We lost our son and we didn't know if the other one had a chance of surviving. The doctors kept us hopeful, they told us we shouldn't think the worst, because if he made it this far, most likely he'll pull through, but it's hard to be left in uknown day in and day out.

Our families had a right to know what happened, so I called everyone I thought necessary and explained everything in small detail, simply because it hurt too much to elaborate. They wanted to come and visit, but Stevie gave a resounding no. The only person she asked to see was her mother and even when Barbara came, she still didn't say a single word, nothing, they just held each other for a while. Also, what's really scary is that she showed no kind of emotion at all.

When she was allowed to get out of bed, she wanted nothing else but to spend as much time as she could by Alex, well, Alexander, that's what we named him, because it means warrior and our boy has done nothing in his first five weeks on this earth but fight for his life.

The doctor delivered us the great news this morning, that Alex is strong enough to be released from the hospital and that we can finally take him home. I'm very happy, I know he's not going to leave us and I try as best as I can not to think about his brother, but Stevie finds it an impossible task, even now as we're on our way home and she's cradling Alex in her arms, she feels that something is just bound to happen. 

Sara has spent the whole time at Chris and Lori's, I've missed our girl very much, but I'm a little afraid of how it will go when they bring her back to us tomorrow. My initial thought was that Stevie wouldn't want anything to do with Alex, but since that's not the case, I hope she won't push Sara away either, because it might happen. The doctor told me that I'm to expect absolutely anything from her now and that nobody knows how long it will take for her to return to her usual self if ever.

I'm walking on eggshells around Stevie, she seems so fragile to me. A month and a half passed, but she's back to looking the same as she did before the pregnancy or even skinnier, but that's obviously because she didn't eat, sleep or rest at all. 

We had the nursery set up already, we bought everything in two, one for each boy... I'm not a little bit surprised when I find her upstairs in Sara's room, putting Alex in her cot. I don't think that I myself could go into the room next door at the moment. I stand in the doorway, looking at her bent over, stroking his hair, singing softly, her hand reaches up to wipe away escaping tears. This was supposed to have been the happiest moment of our lives and I want to get angry at someone or something for taking it away from us, but there's no one and nothing.

I approach and put my arm around her middle, she doesn't lean into me, but she doesn't back off either, she's just there. We watch together Alex fall asleep and then she wants to sit down in a rocking chair next to the crib, but I take her hand and walk her to our bedroom. 

"I'll spend the night with him." She shakes her head in protest, but I'm having none of it. "Stevie, you're completely exhausted. You have to sleep."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can and you will. Please, angel, you have to."

"I want to be there with him."

"Alex isn't going anywhere, you hear me?" I try to say it gently, but it comes a little too harsh. "He's here with us, Stevie. He's here..."

"Have you forgotten what happened?"

"Of course I haven't and I never will, but doctors wouldn't have let us go home if they didn't think our baby was fine and he is, Steph, I promise you. He's a beautiful baby boy, who's sleeping in the other room and I'm going to bring him to you first thing tomorrow morning, but now you must lie down and close your eyes to get some much needed sleep."

"I can't." She repeats and I don't want to but get slightly angry. 

"Stevie, you need rest!"

"Lindsey, I can't sleep! Every time I close my eyes I see the pool of blood under me and our dead son!" She collapses in tears after her last words. I hurry and kneel donw to her level, picking her up in my arms.

"Oh my god, Stevie... I'm so sorry, I didn't..."

"It's not your fault." She's crying uncontrollably and I let her, she needs to let this pain out, although I know it's impossible to get rid of it all, but she hasn't shown me she's human since the very first night in the hospital.

Some time passes and I notice that Stevie has calmed down, she's fallen asleep too. I carefully pick her up off the floor and lie her down on the bed, not bothering to take off her clothes. I pull the comforter up to cover her shoulders and making sure she's most definitely asleep, I close the door gently and let myself break down too.