It's Not Easy

I believe her

"You can't tell me that." She snatches her hand from my grasp and I'm suddenly disappointed. But why would I be? I shouldn't have even said anything, now I just made everything really bad between us.

"Why not? It's the way that I feel."

"You're not supposed to, Lindsey. You should move on and find someone, be happy."

"Do you honestly believe I could be happy with someone else?"

"I don't know, but you should try."

"I don't want to, Stevie. I love you and that's never going to change."

A few years ago we would already be in a screaming match, but now she just seems sad. "What do you expect me to say to you?"

"I want to know how you feel."

"Lindsey, I..."

"No, Stevie. Be honest with me for once." I'm trying my best not to raise my voice.

She remains silent for a long moment, I've even stopped looking at her, but I don't push her. We're still sitting close to each other on the couch. I feel her hand on the side of my face and when I turn my head to her, we're inches apart. She studies my eyes then looks at my lips and finally kisses them. The kiss doesn't last too long and it doesn't intensify, it's just a simple touch of lips, by two people, who I can bravely say love each other.

"Do you understand now how I feel?" She asks, after breaking our lips apart. 

I nod my answer. "Then why?"

"Because we had our chance and we couldn't make it work. I don't want my heart broken again. I'm sure you think I didn't care about our divorce, because of the fact I met someone so soon after, but I think of you every single day. Don't you think I wish this baby was yours? That it was you I wake up every morning with? Of course I do, Lindsey. I want everything that we had before we started drifting apart, that whatever that happened happened to us. I love you, I never stopped loving you."

"We can try again."

"And if we fail?"

"You can't think like that."

"There was a reason why we didn't work out the first time. And besides, I can't do this to Adam."

"I thought there were no feelings involved."

"But this is his daughter too, Lindsey. He's known her for five months, how would you feel if you were him? If I decided to just up and leave like that?"

She's got a point, but I'm angry because there's nothing stopping us from being together, but then again, there is. "I don't know what to else to say."

"There's nothing to say, Linds." She squeezes my knee and gets up. "I think I'll be going to bed."

"Are things going to be awkward between us?"

"No, they don't have to be. We didn't say anything to each other we didn't already know." She smiles and I believe her. "Goodnight, Lindsey."

"Goodnight, Steph. Can I call you that by the way?" She nods and goes upstairs.

~

I keep checking the time. I know she's always liked to sleep well into the day, but is she being serious right now? It's almost midday. I get on my feet and walk up the stairs and to the guest room. I knock, but there's no answer. I turn the door knob gently and enter the room, she's nowhere to be seen. She couldn't have possibly left, I spent the whole morning in the kitchen or the living room. I try the bathroom and there she is, well, her voice from the other side.

"I'm in here."

"Can I come in?"

"Sure."

I push the door open and she's in all her glory, standing in front of the floor length mirror. "Jesus, Stevie!"

"What's the matter?" She asks casually, while I try to look anywhere but her.

"Oh, I don't know..." I shrug. "You're completely naked?!"

"Relax!" She laughs and grabs her nightgown and pulls it over her head. "Nothing you haven't seen before."

"Except that I don't think I'm supposed to be seeing you like this."

"Why? Because I look like I've swallowed a basketball?" She takes a hair brush and starts working on her wet hair, obviously just out of the shower. 

"Well, no. I mean... I don't know what I was trying to say."

She shrugs. "Okay."

We say nothing, I'm watching her and she knows it. "You look beautiful." She lifts her eyes up and looks at me through the mirror. "You're going to be a wonderful mother."

"I'll try and do my best."

"I know." Again, we're silent, but she's the one to speak up first now.

"Why did you freak out like that seeing me naked?"

There's no point in being dishonest. "I was afraid I was going to jump on you."

"Oh, right, I'm just so hot right now." She rolls her eyes at me, working a face cream into her skin. 

"You are."

She laughs it off. "How long has it been since you were with a woman, Linds?"

"You." I say and she stops. 

"Me?" She turns around to face me.

"You were the last woman I've slept with."

"But... Lindsey, that happened like... ages ago!"

"Yeah, well."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not interested in others, Stevie."

"What then, you're going to spend the rest of your life without having sex?"

"None of them could be as good as you anyway." I try to joke and she smiles just a little. 

I push myself off the wall I've been leaning against and take a few steps to stand in front of her. "You can be this close to me..."

"Why is that?"

"Because I'll jump on you." She repeats what I said before and we both laugh. "Okay, maybe not jump, but..."

I palm her cheek, her eyes wide staring at me. "Shut up, Stevie."

She couldn't be more eager to respond to my kiss.