It's Not Easy

Please, listen to me

"Is this why you and I aren‘t together anymore? This man... you left me because of him?“

"Yes.“ It took me a long time, but at least I finally know why I‘m not married any longer.

"Lindsey, let me explain.“

"Hey!“ Adam grabs her arm and I don‘t like it, but I say nothing. "Don‘t you think you should be explaining this to me?“

Stevie frees herself from his grasp and steps away from him and towards me. "Linds, please, listen to me...“

"I think you should leave.“

"No, don‘t do this, I...“

"Stevie, go!“ I can‘t control myself much longer, she has to leave. "I‘ll get your things and bring them to you later, you must leave now. I can‘t look at you.“

"Remember last night? Lindsey, don‘t forget it. Don‘t forget what I told you.“

"What exactly did you tell him, Stevie?"

She says nothing, but I blurt out. "I would have never laid a finger on you if I knew you were engaged."

"So you two did sleep together, am I right?" I don't understand why he's being so cheerful about this, is he happy she cheated on him? 

"Just go, I'm asking you, please leave." I repeat.

I feel uneasy about letting Stevie go with Adam, the way he grabbed her arm... I don't know him at all, but I hope he doesn't get violent, especially when she's pregnant, he could hurt them both, I already care about this baby too much.

Her eyes are on me until she gets into the car and they drive away.

~

I tried to occupy myself, I tried not to think about what happened, about Stevie, about any of it. I was doing quite a good job until I entered the guest room to pick up her things she left leaving in the morning. I don't touch anything at first, I look through everything and it's all so... everything is so fucking Stevie. She uses the same products, even the freaking hair brush is the same from when we were together. I take her nightgown in my hands and inhale her scent deeply, then I feel an incredible urge to tear the material apart. I get her bag and throw all of her things in without much care for them.

I stop by their house and sit in my car, thinking of a way how to approach this. I'm honestly considering laying the bag on the lawn and driving away, but that would be too childish. I take a few deep breaths and get out, walk up to the door and ring the bell. 

Stevie is the one to open it. Before she gets to open her mouth, I thrust the bag into her hand and turn around to leave. "Lindsey, wait!" I don't pay attention and keep on walking. "Jesus fucking Christ, will you stop?!" 

"What do you want? What else haven't you lied about?" I ask, not turning around to face her.

"I want us to talk. I want us to sit down and not yell, you have to hear me out."

"Why would I?"

"Because you love me."

I push my hands into my jeans' pockets and half turn around. "Falling in love with you has been the biggest mistake of my life." She starts crying as soon as I say the words. "I'm sorry, I... I shouldn't have said that."

"If you honestly think that..." She can barely speak. "Then go and never come back."

I once said I was never going back again... What a fool. Against my better judgement, I approach and envelope her in my arms. "Where can we have some privacy?"

She sniffles and wipes her tears on her sleeve. "He's not here." She takes my hand and we walk into the house. We take a seat and I promise myself and Stevie to let her speak. 

"You and I, we were almost not talking to each other at the time I met Adam. He was much younger, being around him was refreshing, it was new and exciting. As he and I started getting closer, an even bigger gap opened up between you and I. I loved you too, but Adam... He brought me back to life. I fell fast for him, he made me feel good about myself. I kept thinking why would someone like him want me, want to be around and with me. He was a lot like you when I first met you and I had missed that you. I swear to you, again, we didn't got physical during the time you and I were still married, but we definitely had a relationship and it got to a point, where I found myself wanting to be with him more than you. That was the main reason I asked you for a divorce." 

"What changed?"

"When we were over and I started being with Adam, I realized I wasn't in love with him. It took me a long time, I mean... I said yes to marrying him, but I understood that what I feel for him is... It was infatuation or something like that."

"And you still want to marry him."

"I don't."

"Help me out here, Stevie! Whatever you thought you felt for him is gone now and you still want to keep living this circus."

"Linds, I'm having his baby."

"I know! You've mentioned that a couple of hundred times already."

"But that's all the reasons in one why I can't leave him."

"Does he even want this baby?"

"Of course! We wouldn't be here now if he didn't."

"What does he feel for you?"

"He tells me he loves me."

"Does he?"

"I don't know, this is so messed up, I don't know anything anymore." She sighs and I do feel bad for her. She's always cared more for others than herself.

"Nobody says Adam couldn't see his daughter." I say after a long pause, that definitely picks up her attention. "I don't need to question your feelings for me, Steph. I know we love each other, we're still in love with each other. You and I could be together, I could help you, you wouldn't be a single mother and he could be the father that your daughter would know as her father."

She covers her face with her hands, thinking. "Would you be okay with it? I know you want me, but do you also want both of us?"

I take her hands away from her face and ask to look at me. "Since the first second I knew, when we hugged and I felt you weren't alone, all I wanted was for this baby to be mine."

She can't stop the tears, putting her arms around me. "I'm so sorry, Lindsey..."

I know exactly what she's apologizing for. "Don't, you don't need to." I attempt a smile and kiss away her tears. "Steph, think about it. Please, your whole life you've only thought about others. Put yourself first for one, let yourself be happy." She kisses the palm of my hand that's pressed against her cheek. She only nods, not adding any words to it. "Okay. Call me or come see me, I'll be waiting." I draw her closer and kiss her lips as if it were the last time I would ever get to do it.