It's Not Easy

We agree on something then

Stevie's leaving for two months tomorrow morning. From when she told me up until now things were okay at best. We didn't exactly argue, but we were very... careful with each other, I'd say. At least neither of us has been sleeping in the guest room.

I couldn't spend the day at home. Seeing all her bags packed, reminded me again of the person she'll be spending a lot of time with. I chose to take care of some things instead, I wanted to just keep myself busy from going home if I'm honest.

When I come back, the lights are out, I wonder if they're off in our room too, I can't see it from the front. I'm beginning to think my absence wasn't the best idea after all. It's deadly quiet inside. I take off my shoes and jacket and then walk up the stairs, check on the kids, who are all sleeping already. I suddenly feel a pang of guilt that I wasn't here to say goodnight to them.

I stop before entering the bedroom, I know she won't be asleep yet, another thing she won't be is happy. Stevie doesn't look up when I walk in to the room, she's reading something or is pretending to. I sit on the edge of my side of the bed and pull my shirt over my head. I almost jump when I feel her arms circle around me. She kisses my neck and moves down to my shoulders and masterfully maneuvers herself onto my lap.

"I thought I wasn't going to see you tonight."

"Where else was I going to sleep?"

She pulls herself up, gripping the back of my neck and locks our lips. I don't make her fight for entrance, my hands move around her as she pushes me back onto the bed and straddles my middle. This was certainly not how I imagined her greeting me. 

Something switches in me and I break away, leaving Stevie very confused, judging by the expression across her face. "I, um..." I sit up, so she knows to climb off of me. 

"Oh wow..." She gets off the bed immediately and puts on her robe.

"Stevie, no... Don't go." I try to take her hand, but she pulls back.

"No, thank you. Being rejected once tonight will be enough for me I think."

"I didn't do that."

"Oh? You spent the day god knows where, Lindsey. You come back and I should be mad at you, but I put that aside, because I'm leaving tomorrow. I got into your lap practically naked and you just said no. So, you think that wasn't you rejecting me?" 

"I have too many thoughts tonight."

She lets out a sound that doesn't really have a name, but surely lets me know she's irritated, angry and annoyed. I stop myself from chasing after her, she needs to cool down. 

After ten or so minutes, I find Stevie in the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of wine, which is something she does very rarely. It's bright in here, unlike our bedroom, I see she has made an effort, obviously for me, tonight. She's wearing a beautiful lacy piece, her hair is in loose bangs and a light touch of make up. 

"I'm such an asshole."

"Good, we agree on something then."

"I didn't mean it to look like I didn't want you, I do, always, just... I can't distance myself from what's happening tomorrow." I get three sentences out and her glass is already halfway empty. "I'm terribly sorry." 

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Well, what do you want me to say to you?"

I shrug, because I don't know what else she could tell me, so I say it to her. "You look wonderful."

"I tried to, thanks for noticing. Better late than never, I guess."

We won't get anywhere with words tonight. I make my way to stand behind her and place my hands on her hips, pressing our bodies closer. "Changed your mind?" I don't reply, moving her hair out of the way to kiss her neck. "We don't have to do anything if you don't feel like it." I take the wine glass from her hand and place it on the marble top kitchen island. Her behind presses into my front and both our breathings quicken. She turns around and crashes her mouth to mine. Doesn't matter how hot it would be to take her right here, I wouldn't want one of our kids to suddenly want a glass of milk... I entwine our fingers together and lead our way upstairs. 

I'm the one to push her onto the bed this time, she opens her legs for me and I lie on top of her, kissing her, all of her... She brings my face back to hers, after she lets me wonder lower and we kiss again. 

My mind is still working, I can't fully dedicate myself to this and she feels it. She breaks the kiss and pushes at my chest. I see a few tears escape and I curse myself. I open my mouth to speak, but she shakes her head and stops me. "Don't, Lindsey. Please, just..." She gets away from my reach and locks herself in the bathroom. 

The whole time Stevie's in there, I lie on my back, not even blinking I think. I feel horrible hearing her cry. She's proved me in so many ways she is mine, but no matter what, I can't seem to stop being jealous. She's right, we're married with kids, after everything we've gone through, how can I still not trust her?

She returns to the room some time later and without a word, gets under the covers, facing away from me. I wait for a few minutes longer before I move closer and put my arm around her. Surprisingly, she doesn't move away. I kiss her hair and draw her as close to me as I can.

"I love you."

She doesn't say it back...