It's Not Easy

Why wasn't I good enough?

I’m amazed at how well recording is going this time. We’re almost not fighting, almost, everyone’s usually agreeing with everything, everyone likes each other’s ideas, things are too perfect. It’s as if we’re not Fleetwood Mac anymore. It’s July already, we’ve been here for three months now and we’re having so much fun! I wanted to do another double album, but I’m not getting much support, I understand though. After all, when you release something like Rumours and follow it up with a weird album like Tusk… It’s cool, I get it. Although, we are going to have 18 songs in total on this album, which is going to be called Say You Will. There’s also a Stevie song on it titled that, it’s not like it's some deep meaningful message, it just fits and it sounds good to us. We have been working on 17 songs already, but we just cannot come up with another one, not that we don’t have it, but nothing seems to fit.

“Don’t you guys have the right one somewhere hidden in the volt?” Mick asks, sitting on the couch, John beside him and Stevie’s on a chair next to me.

“Seriously Mick, when did Stephanie Nicks didn’t have a song?” I ask and she’s obviously pleased with my comment.

“Well, you know what I mean.” He rolls his eyes.

“Darling?” I turn to Stevie and she seems to be somewhere else, lost in her thoughts.

“Um… there is a song, I’ve been wanting to record it for years, good thing I didn't rush it. Just… it’s so tragic, I think I might be okay to sing it now, but I’m not certain.”

I instantly know what she’s talking about. “Have we heard a demo of it or at least something?” John asks.

“You may have, I did a piano demo, it was originally called The Tower, but after what happened not too long ago, I changed the lyrics a bit and renamed it to Goodbye Baby.” She grabs my hand, I'm shocked she's considering doing this. I know that song and it was painful then, just as it is now.

“Can we hear it?”

“To be honest, I’m not sure.”

I see her getting emotional and I press my lips to the top of her hand. “You don’t have to.”

“Well… I can sing a few lines just to get the idea of it.”

“Stevie, if this is too emotional or personal, you don’t have to do it as Lindsey said.” John agrees.

“No, I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll get my guitar, you find the words.”

“I have them, I know them by heart...”

I honestly feel like crying, but I fight it back because I know Stevie will start too. I take my guitar and play some chords to warm up.

“The chorus.”

I nod and start playing.

Goodbye baby
I hope your heart's not broken
Don't forget me
Yes I was outspoken
You were with me all the time
I'll be with you one day

I end up being the one who has to take a break. It doesn't take a genius to understand the meaning of this song, three years have passed since then, but it hit me hard, really hard. I put on a straight face and tell Stevie that I’m fine, I’ve gotten over it, but I didn’t, never will. I’m sure, neither will she. And when it's just the two of us, we never talk about it anymore. We can't...

“That’s beautiful.” Mick says and John nods in agreement. “But it seems really tough on both of you, will you be able to go through with this?”

“We’ve been trying to for years...” Stevie smiles sadly and leaves the room.

~

We’re lying in bed, neither of us able to fall asleep after the day's events. It seems like we’ve only been laughing, cracking jokes, having a great time, enjoying making another record, and tonight just went completely differently. Yet, I feel like we both needed it. We need to record Goodbye Baby in order to be able to move on. We did it just the two of us, Stevie kindly asked everyone to leave, because like John said, it is too personal to share it with whomever.

“Do you often think about him?”

I feel as if a knife got stabbed right in my heart. “Everyday.”

“So do I.”

“It’s hard not to.” I’m lying on my back, Stevie’s resting her head on my arm, facing away from me.

“Were you or maybe you still are angry at me? Because of what happened…”

“No, of course not! Don’t ever think that. It’s not your fault, Stevie.” I cuddle her and put my other arm around her.

“But I am a woman, I’m supposed to have children, to carry them and then be a great mom.”

“You’re not supposed to anything, darling.” I feel my skin getting damp as her tears roll down her cheeks. "Besides, you are a great mother, Steph, you're wonderful."

“I had named him Aaron.”

“I’m sure you had, angel.” I smile and press a kiss to her head.

“I had thought and imagined our life, our little family getting bigger with the twins.” I can’t anymore, tears start falling freely. “How carefully we picked out everything for their room, how I was painting you instead of the walls and you got angry at me for a second ant then laughed it off, how I saw you kicking ball with them or teaching them to swim...”

"We have Alex."

"But we were supposed to have Alex and Aaron." Her voice breaks, so does my heart. I keep kissing her. “Why wasn’t I good enough? Why couldn’t I carry them long enough? I’ve been blaming myself for it ever since.”

“No, no, no, Stevie… it’s not your fault. You didn’t wish for it to happen, no woman ever does. You couldn’t have changed anything. And I’m not angry at you, never was because of this. I only have love for you, Steph.”

“Promise?”

“Of course.”

“I’m glad we’re doing this. I feel… free in a way. I’m glad we’ve talked about it, I need to face it, even if after a couple of years. I needed to know that you don’t hate me.”

“Never, Stevie…”

We both remain quiet after that, we silently weep in each other’s arms and wish to fall asleep.