It's Not Easy

Let me help you

Stevie sleeps well into the next day and I know she'll get mad at me, but she needs it and I'm prepared to listen to her. Lori and Chris arrived with Sara not long ago and I haven't let her go since. We're having coffee and they both would like to ask more about what they already know, but it's a very sensitive subject and it will always be one. 

"How's Stevie doing? Honestly." Her brother adds and I shrug.

"I wish I could tell you more besides what you already know."

"Nothing's changed?"

"No." I shake my head to Lori's question. "She exists. We came home last night and she skipped the room we had decorated for... for the twins, and put Alex in Sara's bed. I put my arm around her and she didn't give me anything. Then I took her to the bedroom and asked to get some sleep and she yelled at me that she can't because once her eyes are closed she sees our son."

Lori dries under her eyes with a tissue. "Are you sure it's the right thing to have Sara here now?"

"What happened is absolutely tragic, but life goes on and so we have too. I'm terrified she'll push Sara away, but... I'm stil here and she's our girl. Thank you, but you've done all you could do."

"But if there's anything more, Lindsey..."

"I promise to contact you."

"Can we see him?" Chris isn't usually very emotional, but he asks so softly I immediately go up the stairs after Lori took Sara from me.

Alex seems so much bigger to me now, like a newborn baby should. He looks like a perfectly healthy boy and I'm so very thankful. Chris holds his arms out and I give him my son. 

Lori smiles over his shoulder. "Linds, he's so beautiful!"

"He's got good genes."

"From the Nicks' side obviously." Chris jokes and I don't take it to heart. "It's going to be alright, you know." He adds after a moment. "She's a strong woman, my sister. I can't even begin to imagine how painful this must be for you, but together, you'll get there, maybe later than you'd like, but the fact remains the same."

"I didn't know we had guests." All three of us turn to look at Stevie, who has changed her clothes from last night, seems like showered too.

"Hey, sweetheart." 

"Hey, my big sister." Chris is trying to be cheerful, pressing a kiss to her cheek and I'm surprised to see her do the same.

"Hello." She says to both him and Lori. 

"We were just discussing what a good looking baby boy you two produced." She half smiles and it's a massive achievement in my eyes. 

"You can hold onto him for another minute, I missed my girl." Stevie takes Sara in her arms and presses close to her chest, messing up her hair. We all sigh relieved. "And did you missed me, baby? Me and daddy, mm?" She kisses her chubby cheek and they smile at each other. "Have you met your brother yet, Sara?" I think the whole night of peaceful sleep did her a world of good. Stevie carries her over to where Lori is now holding Alex. "I love you both very much and so does daddy." Even if she's not exactly paying attention to me directly, I'm happy to know I'm still in the picture. Sara leans forward and presses a big sloppy kiss to her brother's head.

"Well, we got to meet your little guy, I think we'll be on our way now." Chris says, suggesting Lori that it's time to go.

Kisses and hugs are exchanged and we lead them out the door. 

"Would you like something to eat?"

"Are you cooking?"

"I suppose you're not." 

Stevie stands thinking for a minute. "Just make sure you don't poison me."

An omelette is about the best I can manage, so that's what I cook for her and bring it upstairs, where she's resting against the headboard, with Alex in her arms and Sara sitting beside them.

"Smells good actually."

"I think anything would smell good for you since the last you had a proper meal was two months ago."

"I didn't have an appetite exactly."

"Glad that's over."

We don't speak again until she's finished eating. "I'm sorry."

"What on earth could you be sorry for, angel?"

"My little outburst last night, I didn't mean to shout at you."

"I haven't thought about it again, Stevie. It's okay. And besides, please let me in on what you're feeling, what you're going through. I don't want you to be on your own."

"I needed those weeks. I had to let myself think about him, I needed to hurt for that time to be able to live again. I don't expect you to understand, but yeah."

"Whatever helps you, but let me help you too."

"You're here, Lindsey. What else can I really ask for?" She searches for my hand then tells me what I've missed hearing so much. "I love you, don't think I've stopped. It's just been really hard and I know it's been for you too. You're the man of this family, you're my husband and you feel you have to stay strong for the both of us, but... He was your son too, Linds. And I heard you cry when you left me here."

"You don't need to see me like that."

"Hey, we're only human..." She shrugs and smiles a little. "We have two beautiful children, we have to focus on them."

"And I agree with you on that one."

"We'll be okay."

"Funny, Chris said the same thing."

"But we are, Lindsey. You and I, we've made it through some horrible things in life together and this won't be an exception. It won't stop hurting and I will cry for many nights to come as you will too, but time will pass, it will heal this massive wound."

"Where do you find this strength in you?"

"I don't have a choice."

What a truly remarkable woman I can call my wife...