It's Not Easy

How was it?

"Dad?" Sara asks again and I'm lost for words, I don't know where did that come from. "We have a brother?"

"I..." Nothing else.

"Come here, you two." Stevie says, and Alex and Sara run to sit around her. "Your dad didn't lie, you two have... had a baby brother."

"Where is he now?" Alex asks with his big eyes staring up at her. 

I feel horrible, it wasn't supposed to just come out. We agreed to wait until our kids are a little older and then tell them about the son we've lost. Now, I'm speechless and it's up to Stevie to explain, I see her struggling with words and I can't believe how careless I was just a moment ago.

"He's in heaven, sweetheart." She smiles, eyes full of tears and she asks Alex to sit on her lap. "Your brother is a beautiful angel, he's watching over you and your sister, he cares about you very much, he's keeping you safe." 

"Why are you crying?" Sara takes Stevie's hand in both her little ones. "You miss him?"

It's like I've been suddenly paralized, I watch the three of them, but I can't move or say anything.

"I do, baby, I miss him a lot."

"Why is our brother in heaven then? Why did someone take him if they knew how much you and daddy loved him?"

Stevie starts crying and I can't put her through this completely alone. "Because it's better there for him, Sara. He's... He had to leave us, so he could make sure you two are safe here, like your mother said. But don't you worry, guys."

"Will we ever meet him?" 

"Someday..."

Alex puts his arms around Stevie and holds her for a moment and so does Sara. "it's okay to miss him, mommy. But we love you and we're never going to leave you." She presses a kiss to both their foreheads and stands up, asking for some time alone.

~

Since the morning Stevie hasn't said much, I know it was hard for her to explain it to kids, but we would have had to do it sooner or later. Now, I'm worried about her. It's so unlike Stevie to be this quiet or not even be writing in her journal. And I'm not sure how to talk to her, but I feel that talking isn't what she needs.

Unlike last night, I don’t have to fight about sleeping bags. Stevie also undresses this time, leaving only her underwear on as she gets comfortable. I follow her suit and stay in my boxers only. I doubt it’s possible to get closer to each other as we are now, but I want to hold her and I know she wants me to do it.

She’s saying nothing, but I know Stevie’s not sleeping yet. I settle my hand on her hip, which causes her to look up at me. “We’re not having sex, Lindsey.”

“Stop teasing me then, you minx.” I only half joke, trying to ease the tension.

“What am I exactly doing to you?”

“You have your body pressed to mine tightly and you’re only in your underwear.”

“You’re too, but I don’t feel excited just yet.”

I used Stevie having her head tilted to my advantage as I start kissing her neck. A soft moan escapes from her lips, which I’m claiming now as mine. I lay her on her back and cover the upper part of her body with my own. My hand is firmly gripping her side as we’re kissing and she doesn't fight me. This is not like last night. She only let me in and rejected right away, now she allows me to savor the moment and I know she’s enjoying it herself. I quite like the fact it’s too dark to see anything too.

“If you won’t have sex with me at least let me touch you. I miss you.” And I do, we might not be in our twenties anymore, but we're still very active that way and it's been about a week or even more since we last were intimate.

“You’re touching me.”

“Steph…” She says nothing so I take it as a yes.

I tug her bra straps off and reach behind to undo the clasp. I take the expensive material off and throw it aside. I plant a kiss on her lips, before going lower and lower until I reach her chest. I cup her right breast and kiss the other one. She arches her back and her breathing quickens. I kiss and lick the peak enjoying every second of it, especially since I’m receiving such sexy little moans.

While I keep feasting on her ample chest, my hand travels south. I touch her gently through the fabric and she already opens her legs for me as best as she can, given our conditions. I’m glad to know she still wants me after all.

I ease the lacy material off and touch her as intimately as humanly possible. I feel her hand on my face, guiding my lips to hers. I know this won’t go any further tonight, Stevie made it pretty clear and I know she meant it, so I try to perform my best. After all, I’ve played guitar my whole life, so I use every technique I’ve mastered.

When you know someone as well as I know Stevie or she knows me, the body language gives everything away. I know she’s close, since we’re not alone, I cover her mouth with mine and devour it when she climaxes.

I place my hand on her thigh as she’s breathing unevenly. “How was it?”

“Bloody brilliant…” Stevie awards me with a passionate kiss.

“For me too.”

“I’ll return the favor in a second.”

“You don’t have to, babe.” I kiss the top of her head.

“But…”

“Get some sleep.” I wrap my arms around her tiny body.

“Thank you.”

“My pleasure. Literally.” She chuckles and kisses me briefly on the cheek.

She turns, facing away from me and we're trying to fall asleep, but I don't understand her recent behaviour, so I ask. "Why don't you let me get near you?"

"I just did."

"I had to fight you for it."

"But you did get your hands on me, didn't you?"

"Stevie..."

"What?"

"I already asked, why don't you want me touching you?"

She's silent for a few minutes and I let her have them, I'd rather wait and get the answer than rush her and push her away. Then finally she speaks. "I'm pregnant."