It's Not Easy

Say that again

After I left Stevie's, I didn't hear from her again for days. I had naturally started going crazy, I cursed myself for opening up my heart to her again, that she didn't care about me at all, she didn't want to be with me and this whole thing was one massive lie. But then I had to apologize to her, when she showed up at my doorstep last night. She had nothing with her, she was crying and refused to answer any questions, so I let her go to the bedroom and I think she fell asleep immediately. I sat alone downstairs, thinking, wanting to understand her tears. I suddenly felt tired and I started thinking if I should stay in the guest room tonight or is it okay for me to join her in bed. I chose the latter. And when during the night, she wrapped her arm tightly around my middle and got so close to me, I could barely breath, I knew I did the right thing. I also couldn't keep myself from thinking she wasn't held like this often...

I wake up a little frightened when I don't find Stevie in bed with me. I'm praying she didn't disappear to god knows where. I can't keep getting bits and pieces from her and then have her leave me. I know she needs me just as much. 

I skip the shower, I'll take it later. I get dressed and slowly walk down the stairs, feeling instantly relieved to see her making breakfast in the kitchen. She hates when people, most of all me, see her fragile. I'll ask her how is she and she'll say she's fine. She's always been like this. She likes to be strong, to be invincible.

She sees me enter the kitchen and smiles, so I allow myself to greet her with a kiss. "You slept well?"

"Yeah, you should have woken me up though." I say, getting on one of the kitchen stools.

"It's not like I don't know where things are around here. Although, your fridge is almost empty. We should go groceries shopping." 

"I usually order something, but okay, whatever you want."

She pours me a cup of coffee and comes to stand in between my legs, her hands on my shoulders. "There can't be no whatever you or I want, Linds. We have to be a unit."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"What do you think I'm saying?" The smirk on her face let's me know all I need to. 

"My guess is that you're moving in?"

"Moving in already? I don't get to date you?"

"You're five months pregnant, sweetheart. What we have to think is where the nursery will be, what color to paint the walls, what other baby things to get. Dating is long gone for us." The smile leaves her face and I feel alarmed, I must have said something wrong. "Hey... What is it? I already did something I shouldn't have?"

She shakes her head and presses herself to me. "I can't believe what a huge mistake I made leaving you."

"I'm not going to fight you on that one." I draw small circles on the small of her back so she knows I'm not serious. "But we shouldn't think about that, we have to move on."

"That's what I intend to do."

"Good girl." I say and kiss her cheek.

"Your good girl, forever yours."

"Well... I don't know, you could be a bad one too sometimes, we could make it work." 

"Get your mind out of the gutter!"

"I don't think I ever will with you around." I simply shrug. After a moment of comfortable silence, I have to ask. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." What did I say... 

"And really?"

"Really."

"What happened yesterday? I didn't hear a word from you for a week or so and then you show up with your eyes red from crying."

"I left or... He asked me to leave. Simple as that really. No big fight, no yelling, nothing."

"What, he just walked in to a room and told you to go?"

She breaks away from our embrace, crossing her arms over her chest. "He was out, I didn't see him for two days, he returned almost right before I got here and asked me, who do I pick."

"Meaning...?"

"Do I stay with him or do I come back to you."

"Did he get angry?" She shakes her head giving me a negative answer. "What did he say?"

"That I broke his heart. He loved me, he wanted us to be together, but I didn't. It was all my fault. He might be almost fourty years old, but he hasn't grown up yet. He wanted to have fun, he did until it became too real. When he realized this was it, this would be his reality. He loved me when I could go out and party and drink with him, and have sex in the back of a car, but when I had to stay home and care for our baby, I think, he found someone else and started loving her the same way he supposedly did me."

"Is this why you were crying?"

"Yeah." She smiles sadly and looks at me. "I'm not fine, Lindsey."

I get up and go to hug her. "I know, baby. You don't have to tell me that."

"I got used to being with him. He's not a horrible person, under different circumstances, we might have actually been a family, that is if you never existed. Even if I wasn't in love with him, I still loved him and it hurt me, still does."

"Do you know for sure he's seeing someone behind your back?"

"If I can smell woman's perfume on him that is not mine when he comes home late at night and gets in bed with me isn't enough of a reason for me to think that, then I don't know what is."

"You paineted a prettier picture of the man the first time."

"That was when I didn't let myself love you."

"What about the baby?"

"He didn't even mention a word..." I sense she doesn't feel like talking about it.

"Do I need to drive you to get your things?"

"Some, yes."

"Some?"

"The house is mine, he's the one moving out."

"Oh..." I'm not going to say more, but the guy is just a freeloader and a coward. "Well, alright then. We can have breakfast and I'll get you there."

"Fine."

I press a kiss to her hair and back off so our eyes would connect. "I love you."

"Say that again."

"I love you, more than anything in this whole world."

And I do.