It's Not Easy

I don't understand

"You're what?!"

"You heard me." She sounds like she just asked me to bring home milk from the store.

"Why aren't you excited? This is huge news!"

She sighs and laces her fingers through mine. "Because I can't be, not yet."

"What does that even mean? You're carrying our baby, Stevie!"

"Can we please talk about this when we get home?"

"No, we can't. I don't understand why you're being so indefferent about this? This doesn't just happen to every other woman in their fifties."

"I found out about two weeks ago, but the doctor told me something that I can't forget and I'm faced with a decision and until I haven't thought about it, I couldn't tell you anything either."

That doesn't sound too good and I'm afraid to ask, but I do anyway. "What was that you were told?"

"Dr. Anderson thinks I shouldn't have this baby."

"Oh my god... What, she just told you that?"

"Given what happened during my last pregnancy and considering my age, she thinks that lots of things might go wrong."

"Miscarriage?"

"Miscarriage, premature birth, stillbirth..."

"But that isn't necessarily going to happen, is it?"

"No, it might go completely fine. Or not. There's no guarantee. It's just... It's up to me, do I risk it or do I save myself another heartbreak."

"And what if we end up having our third child? You can't just think of this like a piece of clothing, do I want it or not!"

"Don't yell at me."

"I'm not... Stevie, this is serious, that's all I'm saying. It's our baby."

"Don't you think I realize that?! You think I don't want to have another baby of yours? Of course I fucking do! But Lindsey, I don't think I could survive losing another child... And if something like that happens, it leaves aftermath on my body too. Or even worse, there won't be any body left, because I might die too! And I'm sorry, but I'm not ready for that, my kids need me still and I'm not tired of living yet."

I sigh, pulling her hair away that somehow got in my face. "I understand all of the above, Steph. But don't tell me you could just go and get rid of it."

"Get rid of it? This might be easily the hardest thing I would ever have to do, do you even hear yourself?" 

"I'm sorry, but how else do you say it?"

"It's a choice, Lindsey, between living and dying, maybe not literally, but did you forget what we went through when we lost Aaron? Did you forget all those sleepless nights we spent holding onto each other, crying our eyes out?"

"You shouldn't even have to ask this and you know it."

"I honestly don't think I would make it this time, Lindsey... It hurts too much. When we lost our son, a part of you and me left us, I wish for nothing more than to it all being a horrible nightmare, but it's not, it's too real. Alex and Sara are my whole world, I love our children more than anything, Linds. I couldn't be happier to have them and if now I knew this pregnancy would go without any complications, I wouldn't even give this any thought, but things are different and odds aren't in our favor."

"You've already made up your mind, haven't you?"

"Lindsey, I'm sorry..." 

I pull away from her immediately, not willingly, but I can't be touching her right now, especially if my hand goes to her stomach, which it evntually would have. "How far along are you?"

"What does it matter anymore?"

"Tell me, Stevie." I don't want to scare her, but my voice is stern enough for her to know I'm serious.

"Linds, I..." She pauses for a minute. "Ten weeks."

"It's not long before they start moving."

"Fuck you, Lindsey!" 

"Oh god, I didn't mean that! I'm... I'm sorry!"

"There's nothing more I've ever wanted than to have your child, this is not something I want to do, but I have to. We can’t have this baby, Lindsey...”

I nod, but I don't really feel like it. “You’re right.” It physically hurts me to say these words. “Stevie… you know I love you, no matter what.”

“You will love me even if…”

“Shh, angel… don’t say it, okay?” I'm not ashamed to be openly crying, I know she is too even if can't see her face. “Let’s not speak of it.”

“Swear to me we’ll be okay.”

“You know it, Steph. I will not stop loving you.” I seal my promise with a kiss.

“I’ll set up a doctor’s appointment when we get back.” With that, I get up and put on my clothes again. I understand it's hard for her, but I can’t let her see me this way. I'm absolutely sure she wants this baby just as much as I do, but some things are not meant to be.