It's Not Easy

I know you

Stevie and I have been back together for two months now. It took some time for things to settle down, but we're in a good place finally. She wouldn't admit it, but I know that Adam not paying any interest in their baby is hurting her, but I'm determined to make her forget all about that man and I already think of the little baby Stevie's carrying as my own.

Since she's been a little down, I suggested going shopping. I know I shouldn't have got myself into this, but it will brighten up her day and that is what matters the most. I know I‘m going to have to spend hours at the mall today, because Stevie will want to get everything for the nursery. She can‘t do it in a few days, no, now.

As we‘re walking, her delicate hand in mine, I‘m not able to focus on one thing as she keeps pointing at a billion things at once. She honestly loves everything and I would be more than happy to buy it all, but I think we would also have to buy another house if that was the case.

"Are you going to do the painting?“

"We surely can afford some workers, Stevie.“

She roles her eyes at me. "Linds, this is our baby we‘re talking about." I can't help but smile when she says it's our baby. "I‘m almost fifty and this is the chance of a lifetime and I want to treat it like that and be grateful. I don‘t want any kind of middle aged man, with his ass crack on show to paint the room for our daughter.“

"We can do it together?“

"How exactly will I be any help?" I shrug. "Ok, deal.“ That was easy! Stevie tugs at my hand and we go into one of the many shops we‘ll be entering.

How many different designes babies‘ clothes can have? It‘s the same damn thing, but Stevie, of course, has to get one of each at least and I obediently buy everything, because I‘m happy to see her so excited. We are so blessed and I am, as well as I know Stevie is too, determind to have her last months of pregnancy go as smoothly as possible and after the baby comes into this world, support and let her have the most wonderful life we can give her.

"Do you think we can do this?"

"Do what?"

"Be parents."

"Stop worrying, Steph. You're going to be the most amazing mother." I tighten my grip on her hand and smile as best as I can. "We‘re going to have a beautiful tiny firecracker to run around after, but we'll manage. It's all we've ever wanted.“

"You are aware that we‘re naming the girl Sara, right?“

I laugh, knowing this would have come up sooner rather than later. "In fact yes, I am. I wasn‘t even going to bring it up to you, I thought it was settled.“

Stevie gives me a brief unexpected kiss. "You‘re a wonderful man.“

"Why thank you.“ I wrap my arm around her middle, we keep searching for the items.

She picks up another pink baby onesie. „What do you think?“

"Honestly?“ I raise my eyebrow and she nods. "It‘s exactly the same like every one you‘ve got already.“

"I don‘t appreciate your honesty after all.“ Stevie throws the item in to the shopping bag.

"You wanted me to be truthful.“

"Yeah, whatever.“ It amazes me how quickly she goes from being all happy to very grumpy. "I think we‘re done for today.“

"You mean, we‘re not getting everything at once?“

"No, I‘m a bit tired. And hungry. As hell.“

"We can find a place to eat here?“

She shakes her head and she goes from happy, to pissed off, to tired and wanting out of here. "Home.“ 

~

After dinner, Stevie without so much as a word upped and left. I‘m worried. Her mood changed so many times today and I know it‘s supposed to be happening, but I‘m not able to get used to it as quickly. She was very silent ever since we came home.

She‘s in the living room, I approach her from the back of the couch and put my hands on her shoulders. Stevie doesn‘t look up. I sigh and go around to sit down. Of course, her hands are occupied by her journal and a pen. I risk closing it and putting it away. Only then she looks at me, but doesn‘t say anything still.

"What‘s wrong, honey?“

"Why would you think there is anything wrong?“

"Because I know you, Steph. Because I‘ve been in your life for thirty years. What‘s on your mind, sweetheart?“ I put my arm around her shoulders and pull closer to me.

"I‘m terrified.“

"Of what?“

"Of not being able to keep the baby inside me long enough.“

"What do you mean by that?“

"I fear losing her, Lindsey. She's almost here, I couldn't survive if something happened.“

"Why would you even think that, Stevie?“

"Because I‘m too old! God‘s playing tricks on me, I‘m not supposed to be having children at fifty years of age.“

"Nobody said what you are and not supposed to do, Stevie, ever. You‘re going to be just fine as is our baby, okay? You have onely two months ahead of you. You have to have positive thoughts, Stevie. It‘s not healthy to think such horrible things.“

"But what if...“

"No. Forget it.“ I put my free hand on her stomach and rub gently. "She knows we love her more than anything, Steph, she wouldn‘t miss a chance on meeting us.“

I achieve a smile and a kiss on my cheek. "I needed to hear that. It‘s just that I get so paranoid!“

"Don‘t baby, no need to. Ditch all those unholy thoughts.“ I place a kiss on her temple. 

I understand perfectly why she's being like this. We only started really trying for a baby once we got married, which happened in 1979, but I can't say we were too careful prior to that and nothing ever happened. But when we wanted a child and she couldn't get pregnant, naturally she started blaming herself, she thought something was wrong with her, which turned out not to be the case. There have been a couple of times when we thought it finally happened, but we were left disappointed each of those times. And now that the finish line is almost there, I'm not surprised she's worried.

"I'm sorry." She says, her hand on top of mine, her head resting on my chest.

"What for?"

"For being such a bitch lately."

"Hey! No, you're not that, this is expected of you."

"I can‘t believe how ridiculously emotional I am during this pregnancy. My mood changes not daily, but like every five minutes and I don't want to take it all out on you, but I don't have much of a choice."

I laugh and wave it off. "I'm rewarded with passionate love making every time though."

She just smiles and gives me a kiss. "I'm so happy, Lindsey."

"And that is what makes me happy." 

I entwine our fingers together and vow to never let her go again.