It's Not Easy

High hopes

I hear my name being called, but I'm not sure if I'm awake or dreaming. A few seconds later, Stevie's long nails digging into my arm feel definitely real and I groan, it actually hurts. I realize it's dark outside, but Stevie keeps repeating my name. I flick on the bedside lamp and look over at her, her face is wet from crying.

"What's wrong?" I ask a couple of times before she manages to get any words out.

"I'm..." She swallows, both her hands on her seven month pregnant belly. "Lindsey, I'm bleeding..." Her voice goes quiet.

My mouth goes dry and I feel the rush of tears threatening to escape, but I'll let my emotions out later. "We have to get you to the hospital immediately!" She merely nods, taking deep breaths. "I'll... I'll get Sara and call... Who do I call?"

"Sharon." She's the closest to us, she is the most logical choice.

"Okay, I'm going to get Sara and call Sharon, to get to the hospital, so she can take her."

When I return to the bedroom, with Sara sleeping on my shoulder, I find Stevie, who managed to put on pants and a top, I forgot to tell her not to do that. I put my hand around her and help her down the stairs. I put Sara into her car seat and get in and start driving as fast as I'm allowed, all the way, holding Stevie's hand in mine. She's crying and so am I, but I don't let her see it. 

From our home to the hospital she asked only one thing. "Our babies are okay, right?" I only nod, because my voice would betray my confidence that yes, they are okay...

~

Stevie's lying in the bed with her eyes closed, but she's not asleep. It's been about an hour since we got here, the doctor lectured us about how we should have called an ambulence. Yeah, as if I was going to wait for them to show up god knows when and then it would take just as long to get her to the hospital. I listened, but I didn't say a word. 

She's stopped bleeding, but we weren't told anything. I have no idea what's going on. If our babies are indeed safe or not and this is absolutely killing me. I hate that all I can do is hold Stevie's hand and wait for however long we still will be left waiting.

I'm sure it hasn't been as long as it feels, when the same doctor returns to the room and I wouldn't call the expression on his face a happy one. I mentally prepare myself for what's to come, wishing to somehow protect Stevie from hearing it too.

"Mrs. Buckingham..."

She shakes her head. "Stephanie."

"You're just a little over seven months pregnant and this is scary for you and you have every reason to be scared." 

"Am I... Are they still..." She's not able to finish.

"Yes, but the waters around one of the boys broke and we can't give you an answer why. Various reasons cause it to happen. I'm afraid we have to do a c-section right now in order to save them."

I find it almost impossible to control my emotions, but Stevie doesn't even try, tears streaming down her face. "Will they live?"

The doctor remains silent for a minute. "I can't give you false hope, they might and they might not. Seven months is still relatively early."

"Just do everything you can, please..." She can barely talk.

"That's what I always do, I can promise you that." It's not hard to see that this man, who has no connection to us is also finding it quite tough. "A nurse will come in shortly to get you ready for the operation."

~

I wasn't allowed to stay in the room, so I spent the whole time outside, waiting and hoping, praying and begging god to let our twins and Stevie be okay.

While she slept, I kept my eyes fixed at one spot, looking out the window. I couldn't let my mind run away to what happened a few hours ago. I've known Stevie long enough to sense she's about to wake up by the sounds she's making, so I rush to her side and wait for her to open those beautiful brown eyes, that without a doubt would be empty right now...

She wants to ask, but she's afraid. I stroke her hair, clutching her hand in mine and kissing her forhead to give her strength, that's all I can do. "What happened?" She was unconscious throughout the whole time.

I can't help but start crying and I cause her to do so as well. "He's in the neonatal intensive care unit. They have him hooked on various machines, he's so tiny, Stevie... If I could hold him, he'd fit in my hand I think. Of course he's very weak, but as stable as he could possibly be. Doctors have high hopes for him, angel."

Her tears haven't slowed down at all and the look in her eyes is just blank. "We were having twins, Lindsey..."

I grip her hand tighter in mine and bite hard on the inside of my cheek to keep myself from releasing a sob. I wait as long as I can to gather myself to speak and that she wouldn't have to ask again. "Our other boy..." I shake my head and a few tears fall, soaking the pillow. "He didn't make, angel."

What followed next, I could only explain as someone wailing of dying from the most excruciating pain. And it's exactly what it is, I have never felt so much pain in my life ever before. I gather her in my arms and pull close to myself, she needs me just as much as I need her at the moment. As much as this has hurt me already, her shaking body from sobbing is only adding to it. 

I don't think either one of us will ever recover from this.