Fifty Shades of Jeon|| Lizkook ff||

Do you want to...?

Jungkook's P.O.V.

I once again was on my way to the therapist. I enjoyed our meetings even though it hurt to talk about my past.
But this time was different. When I entered, Rosé wasn't waiting for me. She wasn't wearing a skirt, or a blouse, nothing was see-through. It was like she didn't want me to touch her.
"Okay, let's start where we stopped last week."
I was confused. No fucking?
"Why did the school do nothing?" she asked and I was a little overwhelmed.

"Well, um, my father always told them that I was an aggressive child, beating with other boys in my free time or letting me stay at home until my bruises disappeared." I shrugged and Rosé nodded, taking notes.
"But, Rosie, what's with our beginning ritual?" I asked.
"We have no time for that." I heard her sigh.
"Okay, Mr Jeon. When did all this stop?"
"A neighbor found out and called the police. My father died in prison. Then I got adopted. It was a lovely family, a rich one. I got the company from my new father as well. But today I know, that it was their fault that everything happened with Jisoo, my teacher."
"Why do you think that?"
"My mom always told her what to do, they were kind of a team playing with me. Every time, after I met Jisoo, I had to tell my mother every detail."
"And why did you do that?" Rosé asked.
"My mother told me to and I was a broken young boy, I just did what they told me." I shrugged again.

I told Miss Park, Rosé, about the incident at my mother's party, the thing with Jisoo and that they triggered me on purpose. "And since then, my behavior is back. My needs and everything. And I feel terrible for Lisa but at the same time, I need it."
"Have you thought about leaving her?" That must be a joke. But she looked like it was a serious question.
"Of course not."
"And what if Lisa knew about you cheating?"
My heart skipped a beat. Lisa wouldn't know. She didn't know. How though?
"She won't find out." I mumbled.
"But what if she knew?"
My shoulders lifted themselves up before dropping. "She would be really sad, and hurt."

"And how would you feel about this? How would you feel knowing you caused her pain even though it never was your intention?"

"I... I don't know...I-" Oh my gosh. I am the worst! How is Lisa still with me? How is she doing that? Tears starting to build up in my eyes. "I didn't want to! I really didn't!"
"And what do you do to cope with these feelings of guilt?"
I started to cry. How embarrassing. But the hot tears ran down my cheeks and I didn't really know what I was saying.
"I need to prove her that I love her!"
"How?"
"I will marry her!"
"Do you really think this will do it? Do you really think that will make her stay? Do you really think your needs will disappear? Do you really think she will not be mad then?"

Her voice had some pressure and I was lost. I felt like everything around me was spinning around and, and I was lost in a fog of guilt and fault and shame.

"I-i don't know!"
"Do you really think that?!"
"I- don't kno-"
"Do you really-?!"
"No!" I cried out. "No, i-it will just calm my ego down!" In that moment, in that moment where I said the truth, the truth I did not want to admit, i felt so angry. I was so angry that I grabbed a pretty looking vase and threw it against a wall.

It broke.
The shards falling onto the floor.
My breath, uneven, heavy.
Miss Park nodded.
"Please sit down, Mr Jeon."
I tried to slow my breathing down while I slowly sat back down.
"Do you love Lalisa?" Rosé asked with a soft voice.
I expected to say yes immedialty. But...but I didn't know the answer. I wanted to say yes but something deep down held me back, something told me that it wasn't the truth, it wasn't me.
Lisa was trying to make me someone who I am not. A normal, healthy person.

"I... I don't know." I looked Rosé in the eyes. "Oh my gosh" and then i stood up. "Oh my gosh, I don't know. What... I don't know."
My feet carried me through the room and my hand ran through my hair.

"Mr Jeon. This is no reason to panic. It is okay if people stop loving each other. This is nothing crazy. Please sit back down." I did what she said.
"Have you ever loved her?"
"Yes." That's an answer I can give for sure. I really loved Lalisa, I loved her with my whole heart, body and soul. Without her I felt sick, not completed. I needed her in my life so bad and I would have done anything for her. I really loved her.
But this warm feeling in my chest is...gone.
There is nothing left. When I see or touch her- of course she is a very beautiful and attractive woman but... this one feeling I had before is...gone.

"Mr Jeon. Growing up also means to accept that we can't hold everything. We can't hold every moment, and feeling. Sometimes, we have to let go of memories, feelings and people."

I knew what she meant by that. I stared at the floor. Should I really do that? Has this time come already?
Is it time for me to... grow up?

I shook Rosé's hand.
"Goodbye, Mr Jeon. And think about my words." I nodded and left.
On my way home, I left the radio turned off, my thoughts were loud enough.
It would be the best. But I wanted to marry her so bad, I imagined a life with her, it was so...perfect. Why does this have to happen to me? Why did I have to have such fucked up childhood and have to be so fucked up? Why do I have to hurt people? Why do I find this arousing?

When I got home, Lisa was in the kitchen, cooking.
"Hello, Kookie." she said with her lovely voice.
I entered the kitchen and tried to smile.
"How was it?" she asked and licked some food off her fingers.
"Can we talk?" I said seriously.
Lisa's look changed. She also became serious. She sat down and looked me in the eyes.

"Do you want to

break up?"