Bad Romance

Conflicted

-From Tom's POV-

I watched calmly as Y/n reached the end of the letter. She swallows hard and folds the paper, just looking off in the distance for a minute. She purses her lips together and then folds all of her papers and books up, tucking them into her bag. She hasn't made eye contact with me at all; she just continues frantically packing up and then leaving. Not a single word. I sit for a minute and mull the situation over before swallowing and looking back to my books. "Guess I'll go back to studying." I mumble to myself before sighing and getting back to my studies. I can't let her distract me; I need to focus.

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I had quietly opened the door to my room and set my books down on my desk as I kicked my shoes off. Christopher was on his bed reading a football magazine. "Out studying rather late." he said. I begin taking off my robes and my necktie.

"I like my alone time. It's precious when you stay in this place year-round." I tell him.

"Hm. I bet." he says. All of the sudden, he lays his magazine down across his lap. "You know, I saw Y/n cry for the first time ever tonight." he says in a matter-of-fact tone. My eyes widen and my eyebrows go up. He nods and chuckles in amusement. "Yeah! I know. Unbelievable, really. She was walking fast, almost running to her dorm and her eyes were puffy pink and her nose was tinged pink." he explains.

"What? Like, 2 hours ago?" I ask him. He folds his arms and tilts his head.

"Yeah. How'd you know?" he asks. Before I can answer, his face lights up in amusement. "No way!" he squeals out, now sitting up straighter. "Tom, mate what'd you say to her??" he asks. The corners of my mouth twist upwards as I shrug.

"What she wanted to hear. It's funny how far a pre-staged letter and some improvising can get you." I tell him proudly.

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-From your POV-

I sat on my bed with my knees to my chest and my arms wrapped around my legs. My head hurt from crying, which I had done in the bathroom so nobody would see. Pansy kept trying to ask me what was wrong, and at one point, Draco even showed up but I sent him away; as much as I loved him, him being here would only make it worse.

Sometimes I wondered if something was wrong with me; I mean, I could not-just for one minute, have some peace and quiet. And it got tiring sometimes. But moreover, when the peace and quiet was disturbed, it was mostly caused in my head. It was all internal conflict. Because here's the thing: no matter how civil and clear I thought I was, and how much closure I wanted to have with Tom, I just let him use this massive wrecking ball on my quiet and peaceful life. I loved Draco. So so much. And I hated Tom for doing this; I did. I know I just told him that I didn't hate him- and I didn't- but this just destroyed any sort of a stable life that I thought I had built. And it was all because I realized, I loved him too. It was almost as if it was impossible to love Tom without hating him, and vice versa.

I crawled under the covers of my bed and just tried to get comfortable enough to find sleep. I had no idea what I was going to do; no idea where to go from here. I wasn't even able to decipher who came first. Tom, or Draco. Because while yes, I dated Tom first, there was a long period of time where I genuinely did not think about Tom enough to love him whereas I was with Draco. So like, do you see how this a chicken-or-the-egg dilemma?? Oy vey.

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I had spent hours tossing and turning; between the emotional upset and Pansy snoring her lungs out, I couldn't sleep. At one point, I got so frustrated that I pulled the letter back out and pulled my head under my blankets. With the light of my wand, I reread the letter.

Y/n,

As you would know, I've never been loved and I've never been IN love. That was until you came along. So you'd have to understand, and hopefully forgive me, for being so pressed and possessive over this. I wish I could just simply let it go and move on, I really do. But I think one of the biggest reasons why I can't is that I constantly think of what we could have been. And when I'm not thinking about that, I get scared by my own thoughts, as I wonder if anyone ever will make me feel loved like you did. Not even in just a romantic sense, but in a familial sense, a loyal sense, a friendship sense, all of it. I genuinely think things would be so much easier had we never gotten involved but that being said, I regret absolutely no part of falling for you. I would do it all again given the opportunity. The only thing I regret is how it ended. It ended because of my behavior and honestly, I left you no other chance. Nobody deserves to be put through that. You deserve every bit of happiness that you've found with Draco, and I can only wish the best for you.

But please, let it be known, that you always have been and always will be the sights of my affection. I will always love you and my love for you knows no boundaries.

That's part of what makes it so dangerous, yet desirable.

Best regards,

TMR

My breathing was hitched as if I might cry again. I'm not sure how he managed to do it, but in one single letter he managed to pour out everything that I would've wished he told me while we were together. Had he told me this last year, we might still be together. This was a real game changer. In one foul swoop, Tom had pumped my heart full of emotion, and tore it into two all at once.

Now it was my job to figure out what I was going to do. I couldn't just do Draco like that; that would be so dirty and poor. Just thinking about gas lighting him like that made my stomach twist in knots. But I had no idea how much longer I could keep pushing the unresolved feelings between Tom and I off. It was all just one massive shit show, really.