Feel it twice - Camila Cabello
Camila's POV
Taylor was sat in between us during the show. Shawn and I hadn't talked, but we both made an effort to look as friendly as ever for the cameras. I felt sorry for Taylor because she obviously knew something was up and she had got trapped in the middle of it. We enjoyed the show, or at least made every effort to do so.
When a photographer came to take our pictures we smiled big and bright, like if nothing had happened.
"Awkward", Taylor coughed softly.
I gave her a cold stare and she said sorry with her eyes. I looked over at Shawn and he was looking down, playing with his hands. I didn't know what to do or say to make things better because I wasn't fine myself. I found myself dreaming of "what if's" more times that I'd like to admit and that's wasn't good. It wasn't good because I was in a relationship that made me happy and whatever Shawn and I could've been was part of an hypothetical past.
I wasn't an angry person, if anything anxiety ran in my blood more than anger, but these days I was angry. Angry for the lost opportunities, the assumptions we both came up with and the lack of communication we didn't seem to be able to get over with. I was angry at him but also at me.
I didn't know if he was expecting something from me now, but what could I say? He was well aware that I was in a relationship when he sent me the songs, he couldn't just expect me to end things with Matthew and run to him. That's not how it works and that's not what I wanted. But again, I could just be assuming.
"Baby C, I'll see you soon", Taylor told me hugging me and kissing my cheek before turning around and walking to his dressing room when the ceremony ended.
Shawn was nowhere to be found, Andrew had called just moments before the show ended and I hadn't seen him since. I waited for my team to take our stuff from the dressing room before leaving myself.
"Camila", I heard him say behind me and I turned around in a heartbeat. There he was.
"Shawn".
"Can we talk?", he asked me.
"I don't have much time", I said honestly.
"It's ok, it won't take me long".
"Ok", I replied braving myself for whatever he was about to say.
"So you listened to the album", he said and I nodded. He smiled sadly and spoke in whispers because people were mingling around. "I guess I have some explaining to do".
"Shawn, I..."
"Listen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry my songs made you uncomfortable and we're once again acting weird with each other... But I'm not sorry that I wrote them".
The air got trapped in my lungs when he said that. His eyes pierced into mine and I knew he meant every word.
"I'm trying to be honest with my music and that means I'm being honest to other people as well. You don't have to say anything. I know you're not... there and that's ok".
He took a deep breath and smiled nervously while he ran his fingers through his hair. I was speechless and I knew this conversation was killing him, but my brain wasn't making the right connections. I couldn't even think, I just stared at him like an idiot while he visibly struggled to get his words out.
"Anyways, that's all I have to say. Bye".
I couldn't move, not even to close my mouth. He turned around slowly and began his way back to his team. I felt like I had a hole in my chest, where my heart was supposed to be. My hands were sweating and shaking. Where was my mom when I needed her?
Strong arms surrounded and I jumped in surprise of the sudden touch.
"Hi, sweetheart", Matthew whispered in my ear.
"Hi... hi", I repeated louder the second time while I turned around to face him.
"Everything ok?", he asked me.
"Yeah, yeah. You just scared me. What are you doing here?"
I was surprised at myself for how fast I had pulled myself together for him when seconds earlier I felt like falling onto the floor and crying right there in the middle of a hall full of strangers.
"I finished earlier and stopped by to catch a ride with you", he explained.
"Oh, ok... cool".
He smiled and kissed me before taking my hand and making our way out. I looked back one time and saw Shawn behind us, some feet apart. He probably had seen the kiss and I didn't like the mixed feelings inside me. I would never do anything to hurt him, specially not now that he had been honest with me, but it was inevitable. I looked down ashamed, guilty and confused.
Once inside the SUV, I lost sight of Shawn and his team in the sea of people that were leaving the venue. Matthew held my hand and brushed his thumb over my skin, clueless of what had happened just minutes before he arrived.
"Did you have fun?", he asked me.
"Yeah, for sure. It was nice".
"Good".
What would've happened if he hadn't arrived? Would I have gone after Shawn? But what would I have said? He was right, I wasn't there. The anger didn't really go away but it got mixed with sadness. If only he had said something when it was the right time, if only we had been more honest with each other... We were just kids, I guess.
In just one week I had written two songs about all this mess, two songs that most likely were never going to see the light, because I knew what songs could do to us. Maybe in the future, when we are both way over this, I could show them to him, but not now, and not when he's hurting.
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a/n: Did your heart break with this? Because mine did
