If I can't have you - Shawn Mendes
Shawn's POV
April 2019
I had finally stop taking my medication for my anxiety a few shows ago. It wasn't an easy process because you can't just stop taking them altogether, it had to be done by steps. My doctor lowered my dosis until I could totally give up on them. The first show without them I felt like my heart was going to explode, but I told myself that I was ok, that everything was going to be fine. I braved myself and told my fans about it in the middle of the show, my voice cracked a little and the air wasn't enough for a second but I managed to compose myself and carry on with the concert. I felt great when it ended, I had done it all by myself. There was some freedom about it and I loved the feeling.
My mom joined me shortly after and that also boosted my confidence. It was great to have family around on some dates of the tour.
I had been so busy that I hadn't actually thought about Camila and the song. I told her I was working on other projects at the moment and she seemed to accept that.
Now it was the first night at the O2 Arena in London. The last 3 shows of this leg of the tour and I was excited. The first night went great, but my throat was a bit sore at the end of the night. I was told to do some vocal rest so I would be ready for the next two shows. But I wasn't and on night 2 I had to remove some songs from the setlist because I wouldn't be able to sing them at my full capacity. I felt like a failure and my anxiety was making its come back. Tears ran down my face while I was backstage and people tried to come to me but Cez was the one who took the lead.
"Hey, kid, it's ok. Just breath", he said at first and that didn't help me at all. "Look at me. You're doing great. you have done excellent since we started this tour. You have always put the best of you on stage and we're gonna do the same today. If the best of you now means taking some song off the setlist then we'll do it. What matters is that you enjoy this, that we give the people a genuine show. Isn't that what we always say? Give them what you have now, show them what you can do now and do it from the bottom of your heart. If you do that, they'll leave happy. But don't push yourself to do something you don't feel comfortable doing, that has never been the goal".
I looked at him in the eyes and then we walked down the corridor to go out to the arena again. He was right. I was all about giving the one hundred percent of myself and if my one hundred percent today wasn't that the same as some nights ago, it was still all I had and all I could give at the moment. I hoped my fans would be ok with it.
"How are you feeling?", Alessia asked me when we back at the hotel. Her eyes looked worried.
"Upset and tired", I said with honesty.
She looked around and then hugged me, wrapping her arms around my waist. Her short height reminded me of someone else but it wasn't fair to be thinking about that other person now, so I pushed that thought away.
"I'm sure they still enjoyed it", she murmured.
"I hope so", I said and ended the hug. "I just want to go to bed tonight".
"Oh, ok".
"See you tomorrow. Goodnight".
I kissed her forehead and walked to my room without looking back. I wanted to be alone because I still didn't know how I was feeling. I hope my fans weren't disappointed, but as hard as it was for me to understand it sometimes, I was aware I couldn't please all people. I tried to put this behind and live by Cez's words because I was at the very end of this leg, and I didn't want to finish it on a bad note.
For the next night I went harder on the vocal prep and did some other exercises to feel in control of everything again and I think I succeeded. This part of the tour had blown my mind but I was ready to go back home and start working on recording and releasing IICHY during the summer.
