LOVE IS RISK (Man*Man)

chapter 37

Matt's POV

This is bullshit, why can't I just have a break with all of this, I can risk my life but I would never want to risk any of my friend's life. I have a big family now, I care about them and I know they care about me too. They would be there for me but if it means them risking their lives for me then am not having it.

I don't even need guardians, am not willing to risk innocent lives just because of me, they are expecting so much from me but they will be disappointed, I don't even want to be a leader, I don't want it and it wasn't meant for me. I can't even be a leader in my own life and make wonderful decisions, how will I make decisions not only for me but everybody.

The only right decision I have ever made was accepting Asher as my mate and I have also fucked that up like hundred times. How will people even believe in me when I can't even figure out what to do right, I know I have to make a pack because if I don't I might lose Asher in the process. Maybe Asher could lead and I will just help with other things

I know Asher will be a great leader because he is patient he- I was cut off when I smelled Derrick approaching me. He sat beside me but kept quiet for minutes. I looked at him wondering if he will say anything but he just looked at me.

Daniella joined us too sitting on my right " why do you feel like you will be a disappointment?" She asked and I looked at her, I looked back in front of me sighing.

"People never listen to me, they hear me but they never believe what I say" I said looking away from them "I always find away to disappoint people near me, I fuck up in everything, I even just destroyed the life of the person who has showed me nothing but kindness" I chuckled humorlessly "that's why"

"How did you destroy your friend's life" Derrick asked

"You didn't hear, apparently the moon Goddess was punishing me so she told Carlos a big secret that his dad didn't want him to know" I explained everything to them, how the conversation with Carlos went "he is trying not to show how mad he is but I know he hates me now"

"He just needs time" Daniella said "but don't you think your friends are risking everything for you because they care, Carlos was helping you when that happened, I don't think he hates you. I believe in you and I know you can be a great leader if you just didn't put yourself down so much"

"Am not putting myself down it's the truth" I moved turning looking at the both of them "everyone that sees me sees it too"

"Then you really don't see yourself, you see a fuck up, a person who messes everything up" Derrick said scoffing "now let me tell you this, you messed up with Asher because you trusted the wrong person, you are strong but you also have a soft heart, you care about your friends enough to not want to see them hurt. You care about others more than you. The day you had to run away with Asher when that Claire girl told you that a girl was wounded you ran to help her and at that moment you didn't care that you will be late to meet Asher.

You are determined, sometimes vulnerable but everything you went through at the young age, you have never let that put you down, you kept on letting people in your life because deep down you knew not all of them will hurt you, your not in this alone, you have us, your friends and your mate. You're stronger than you know, all you have to do is let your heart guide you not your fear" I looked at him not really knowing what to add.

"I...ah..What?" I asked lost of all words. I have known him not long ago and he describes me as if he has known me for years

"Why do you think your friends want to fight with you, want to be by your side" Daniella asked "because they see you, not the fuck up version of you because everyone fucks up but that doesn't mean that there is nothing more to them. You are more and all you have to do is for you to trust yourself that you can get through everything. You have been through alot, I know deep down you know what you can do but your fear is pushing you back"

I sighed taking in what they have said "am really glad I have you two" I smiled at both of them. I really needed to see beyond my flaws and start thinking "your all right but I have no where to begin from"

"I called some people and they will be here  tomorrow, they will help us" Derrick said and I nodded standing up as they both followed "you need to talk to your friends and we will talk about the pack when they arrive"

"Have I ever told you am glad I met you both" Derrick smiled saying I have just said it now

"You said you hate me" Daniella said

"And I still hate you" we all laughed. I pulled them into a hug holding them tight, am really glad Clara saved them and I will be forever grateful.

"I love you to so much and am glad to have you both" I smiled as we made our way back to the house. I always loved George as a dad and he was there for me in everything but feeling Derrick's love and how he cared enough to know me I'm just weeks of knowing about my existence am really glad "I want to ask you something but I don't want to open old wounds so if you are not comfortable please feel free to not answer"

"You can ask me anything"

"Ah, how was my mom" he looked at me with sadness in his eyes and I knew I opened a still healing wound in his heart. Losing a mate is very painful and I wonder how he got through it because I feel like if I lost Asher I might die "sorry for bringing it up, forget I asked"

"No it's fine you asked, I have been wondering when you will" he said looking in front to where we are going "I got her at the age of 22, I had gone to meet with an Alpha from crossword pack when I found her. She looked so beautiful with her blue eyes and blond hair, she was a tough woman who never let anything put her down. She was the beta of her pack but she threw away her life for me, her pack was mad and they told her if she leaves she should never come back, even her parents turned their backs on her. She was sad but she said "if they don't understand the value of a mate then they don't deserve me" she left without looking back and then she said joined my pack where she was welcome with open arms

She was a great woman who cared about everyone and everyone wanted to be the Luna, she always joined us in battle no matter how much I objected, she wanted to be seen as a warrior. She was my rock, her smile used to ignite flames inside me. We tried getting kids but she never got pregnant yet she loved kids so much. When my dad died and I appointed me as the Alpha, she became stressed saying I need a kid and she was not getting pregnant. I told her I don't care, I was in love with her and even if we didn't have kids Clayton had, we would make his son the alpha but then she eventually became pregnant

She was so happy that she started buying clothes when you were just 2 weeks" he laughed "she was fine and she was happy that her and Clara were both pregnant. She kept doing her job as Luna but stopped going into battles, she would ask Clara everything about kids, buy books about being a mother. She even flew out of the country just to buy you a crib, which was excessive but she only said you were her miracle. She had even picked a name for you "Louis" which means warrior. She got the name when she was only 2 months pregnant, am really sorry you didn't get to experience her love"

"Life happened" I whispered trying to convince myself that I can't turn back time to my feel her love just once but the truth is 'life happened' and that sucks.

"Am sorry I wasn't there to protect her and you, I know she would have been disappointed in me for not being there for you"

"You don't need to apologise, I don't blame you for anything" I hugged him "we both know who to blame but never blame yourself for something you had no control over" he nodded and I smiled at him "let us go back"