Poetry

Past

I'm a kid again

Smiling as I twirl around in a Cinderella dress

Nobody was allowed to wear it but me

Girly tea parties

Frilly dresses

Pink room

And a grin on my face

Thats how people remeber me

My childhood

But I remeber scraped nees

Boys uniform

Sports teams

Playing in the dirt

And begging to have my hair cut short

I remeber being left out

Avoided

Sitting far away from everyone else

But they rember screams of laughter

Freinds with the entire class

Ever present

They remeber happiness

I remeber depression

Then I started to grow up

Middle school

Time to gain a group

Time to curl my hair and wear skirts

Spend hours in Clairs and in front of the mirror

Trying to understand how to wear makeup

I remeber being depressed but happy

I had people I thought  I could trust

I remeber being fake

They remeber depression

Silence and tears

With fits of screaming and anger

Bad friends

And a change in personality for the worse

They remeber me startind down the wrong path

While I just remeber walking down just a path

Highschool now

First baggy clothing

And comic book t's

Progressed to tight black clothing

And dark makeup

I thought I was finaly being me

New friends

New life

New me

They remeber a decent into madness

Me turning into a freak

Me doing everything to please other people

Abandoning my personality

They remeber me decending further down the wrong path

Bad freinds

Bad choices

Bad actions

I remeber being told the word transgender

Being told I could be a boy

I remeber being scared

Confused

In deinal

I am a girl

I think I am a girl

I might not be a girl

What even is my gender

I don't think I'm a girl

I think I'm a boy

I'm a boy

I'm a boy

I'm a boy

I remeber moving as slow as I could

Waiting for my mind to laugh it off

Say it was just another phase

But it didn't

And I couldn't stop the feelings

Flooding in with this new relization

I rember taking it slow

I rember telling my friends

Then YAC knew

Then I told my mom

I remeber crying in my room

And crying myself to sleep

I remeber that stone cold face

I remeber being confuse

I remeber droping it

I remeber progressing  with friends

And hiding from family

I remeber writing that letter

Leaving it in the car

I tried it verbal

Now writen

I got home to talk with my parents

The lectured on hating yourself

On self diagnosis

And areed I needed therapy

But still haven't givin it

I remeber being called chicken shit from my mom

When no one was around to hear

Though if you ask her she'll say it was just the way I came out

And she still calls it that to this day

Getting reminders on how what I did was chiken shit

Having it hurt more and more each time

I remeber going to the councilors

She was nice

And had knowlage on transgender

She called me Conner like I asked

And used proper pronouns

My parents smiled and talked with her

And then talked about how horible she was once they left

Saying she didn't know what she was doing

I remeber being asked what to tell the family

That they could't tell them

That I wasn't allowed to

I remeber being forbade from telling my cousins I was a boy

And having to deal with their questions of why I was trying to be a boy

I remeber crying myself to sleep

Thats all I do anymore