I'm a kid again
Smiling as I twirl around in a Cinderella dress
Nobody was allowed to wear it but me
Girly tea parties
Frilly dresses
Pink room
And a grin on my face
Thats how people remeber me
My childhood
But I remeber scraped nees
Boys uniform
Sports teams
Playing in the dirt
And begging to have my hair cut short
I remeber being left out
Avoided
Sitting far away from everyone else
But they rember screams of laughter
Freinds with the entire class
Ever present
They remeber happiness
I remeber depression
Then I started to grow up
Middle school
Time to gain a group
Time to curl my hair and wear skirts
Spend hours in Clairs and in front of the mirror
Trying to understand how to wear makeup
I remeber being depressed but happy
I had people I thought I could trust
I remeber being fake
They remeber depression
Silence and tears
With fits of screaming and anger
Bad friends
And a change in personality for the worse
They remeber me startind down the wrong path
While I just remeber walking down just a path
Highschool now
First baggy clothing
And comic book t's
Progressed to tight black clothing
And dark makeup
I thought I was finaly being me
New friends
New life
New me
They remeber a decent into madness
Me turning into a freak
Me doing everything to please other people
Abandoning my personality
They remeber me decending further down the wrong path
Bad freinds
Bad choices
Bad actions
I remeber being told the word transgender
Being told I could be a boy
I remeber being scared
Confused
In deinal
I am a girl
I think I am a girl
I might not be a girl
What even is my gender
I don't think I'm a girl
I think I'm a boy
I'm a boy
I'm a boy
I'm a boy
I remeber moving as slow as I could
Waiting for my mind to laugh it off
Say it was just another phase
But it didn't
And I couldn't stop the feelings
Flooding in with this new relization
I rember taking it slow
I rember telling my friends
Then YAC knew
Then I told my mom
I remeber crying in my room
And crying myself to sleep
I remeber that stone cold face
I remeber being confuse
I remeber droping it
I remeber progressing with friends
And hiding from family
I remeber writing that letter
Leaving it in the car
I tried it verbal
Now writen
I got home to talk with my parents
The lectured on hating yourself
On self diagnosis
And areed I needed therapy
But still haven't givin it
I remeber being called chicken shit from my mom
When no one was around to hear
Though if you ask her she'll say it was just the way I came out
And she still calls it that to this day
Getting reminders on how what I did was chiken shit
Having it hurt more and more each time
I remeber going to the councilors
She was nice
And had knowlage on transgender
She called me Conner like I asked
And used proper pronouns
My parents smiled and talked with her
And then talked about how horible she was once they left
Saying she didn't know what she was doing
I remeber being asked what to tell the family
That they could't tell them
That I wasn't allowed to
I remeber being forbade from telling my cousins I was a boy
And having to deal with their questions of why I was trying to be a boy
I remeber crying myself to sleep
Thats all I do anymore
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Poetry
PoetryJust some poetry I write about being ftm trans* and other stuff. Some unfinished, others finished. A mix of the good and the bad