As I Am (Part 2 of There You'll Be)

And the walls crumbled

(Evelyn)
Late after work, my back began to ache. It was 9 or so and the kids were put to bed for the night.

I laid in bed with a heating pad, Netflix and Gracie lying in Zak's spot. It was a chill evening, the guys were probably preparing for the lockdown and I wanted to call it a night.

As I lie in bed with Gracie, I was overcome with these horrendous cramps in my abdomen and back. The cramps got so bad they almost felt like contractions.

Gracie must have noticed my discomfort because she came over and began to whine.

"I'm okay girl. I'm okay." I assured her.

I walked to the restroom and noticed all the blood. I went from 0 to 60 really quickly. I became nauseous and at that point, I couldn't deny that something was wrong.

I called Nan.

"Nancy?"

"Evelyn? What's wrong?" Nancy asked me.

"I don't know..I think something is wrong with the baby." I said as I began to cry.

"Oh sweet girl, I'll be there in five minutes. Get back in bed." She told me.
***********************************
(Zak)
Something was wrong. I didn't know what but it was.

The family was probably all asleep, the museum was closed, this investigation was going to be a good one.

So what was I so afraid of? My answer came just before we went into lockdown.

A call from my mother.

"Mom?"

"Zak? It's Evelyn."

"What about her? Is she okay?" I asked in a panic.

"Zak honey, Evelyn seems to be having a.."
*******************************************
(Evelyn)
"...miscarriage. I'm so sorry. The dr thinks she's lost the baby." My Mother in law told my husband.

I had called the nurse once I'd returned to bed while waiting for Nancy to come. I had described exactly what was happening, how far along I was, everything.

The nurse confirmed my worst fear, that I was having a miscarriage and I had no other choice but to stay home and go through the loss by myself.

Nancy was there while I went through it all. One intense contraction after another. Each time it would happen, my abdomen seized, and huge wave of pain took hold of me. I would completely lose control, as my body would take over.

I know this was natural and common but in the depth of my soul, I was dying a little.

That little peanut we found out about almost 3 weeks ago was no longer growing and thriving inside of me.

I tried to put on a strong front for Nancy, who had experienced a few miscarriages herself, but I think she knew I was hurting.

I didn't want to face Zak. I was glad he wasn't home. I couldn't fathom how it would be to look at him, womb now bare of a baby we created.

I felt like a failure. I didn't know what I did or didn't do right or wrong. 

I lied in bed, letting my body do it's thing and with each contraction, I fell apart more and more.

I wanted to be alone. I wanted to grieve. I didn't want anyone to see me. I was suppose to be caring of our little one. Keeping them safe.

Now I couldn't put the blame on anyone else but myself.