As I Am (Part 2 of There You'll Be)

Melting

(Zak)
We were headed out on an investigation and I wouldn't be seeing the kids for three weeks. Though I wasn't with their mother, I knew my kids were much safer in her care but damn, I'd miss them.

Things between Jay & I were okay. I was honestly grateful that he was the one, of all the men in the world, that would be treasuring what I did not.

We never talked about the kids like we shared them. They were my kids and though Jay was now in their life, we only talked like they were mine. I was well aware that my children would be his stepchildren and any child that he and Evelyn brought into the family, if any, wasn't going to be related or tied to me at all.

The thought of Jay and Evelyn ever creating a child together made me sick. Evelyn's pregnancies were such a sacred, precious thing for me. Come to think of it, Evelyn was a sacred, precious thing. I just never valued her.

I just couldn't wrap my head around them ever having children together. I don't know what I'd do if they ever announced they were expecting. What would my kids do? And marriage. Oh my god. What if they got married? What happens when they move in together? They share a bed together. They've had sex with each other.

I was now working myself up and nearing a panic attack regarding the decisions and life of a woman I no longer was tied to.

Fuck Z, for not giving a rats ass about her when y'all were married, you sure care a whole lot now. I thought to myself.

Sure, I saw the kids all the time but Evelyn had become so private since the divorce. Aside from the kids, she never posted about her and Jay. I didn't know her anymore.

I want to ask how she is. Ask about their life together. Ask Jay what's new in their new life but I can't. The kids are still too young to really tell me how her and Jay are.

I went from knowing her like the back of my hand to complete strangers I only saw for a few moments here and there.

"How's Evelyn?" I blurt out to Jay on the bus. Fuck.

"She's so good. We all are. She's found a new job. She still lives with her parents and we only stay at my place when you have the kids. So...yeah." He responded with a smile.

"Good for you, man. Good." I shut down.

I lean my head against the window and check on my phone how far we are. This is the first investigation we've been on since the divorce. This was still so new to me. I'd normally pass the time by FaceTiming my family but now I have no one to rely on.

I send out some desperate DMs to girls that have commented on our latest post about where we are headed and then try to relax.

When that doesn't work, I scroll through my camera roll and look at pics of my kids. I have no one to get mad at but myself for changing the way things were.
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When I wake up from my nap, we are still on the bus. I responded to the DMs to book my bitches for the week.

I hear a familiar voice coming from Jays FaceTime and look over at his phone to see Evelyn. She's lying in bed with a fresh face. She has a glow about her and looks like she just woke up. God, that face, her smile, that laugh.

I'm melting just from the sight of her.