supernatural preferences

They Help You With a Panic Attack-Cas

Cas:

It was 2 in the morning when you were sitting up in your bed your thoughts swimming around your mind. "What if he laughs at me? What if he doesn't care? Does he really want that baggage?" you silently wondered.

You began to play with the hem of your shirt, not being able to stop thinking. You knew you would never be getting to sleep with the way things were going right now. You decided to go to the library and find a book to hopefully get your mind off of things. Carefully you walk down the hallway and make it to the library without waking the boys. You ran your fingers across the spines of the books contemplating which one to read.

Nothing was catching your eye and so the thoughts kept clouding your brain. "Should I even tell Cas... I don't want him to think I'm weak. I can keep it to myself... I always have. No sense in stopping now. " you thought to yourself.

Finally, you decided you would look for a case, seeing as you had so much time on your hands. Somehow searching for strange deaths and occurrences always had a calming effect on you, it kept you distracted and was once again able to do that for you. You didn't even realize how much time had passed until You heard footsteps behind you. "Good morning." you said while keeping your eyes on the screen. "Well, you look like shit. When did you wake up?" you heard Dean's gravely voice float through the air. You looked up at him with a bitch face. "You look great to Princess, thanks." you sarcastically quipped. "And if you must know I got up at 2. I couldn't sleep." you answered with exhaustion. Dean looked at you with sympathy. "Again, sweetheart, go try and get some sleep." he said with a serious look. "No, Dean I'm ok. I'm not going to be able to sleep still." you replied. Dean looked at you with one eyebrow raised as if asking if you wanted to test him. "No, now go back to bed." he said and pointed towards the hallway. "Dean I'm fin-" ou didn't get to finish before he spoke up. "I said go back to bed (y/n), you need it." you looked at him knowing you'd lost.

Getting up you begrudgingly began your walk to your room. Once again thinking of Castiel. You had never told him about your anxiety or depression and you were scared that if you did he wouldn't want you anymore. That he may think you were damaged goods. He said he loved you. He told you that every day but still your anxiety didn't cease.

Walking into your room you closed the door behind you. You had told yourself that you were going to tell Castiel, and you tried to work up the courage to do it, but with every deep breath, things got worse. Your heart began to race and your once deep breaths turned shallow and unsteady. Things began to blur and your hands began to shake. The thought of rejection and finally opening up brought on a wave of panic. Tears blurred your vision and you tried to grab ahold of our dresser but things were blurred together that you misplaced your hand and ended up falling. When you hit the floor you let out a choked whimper.

Your heartbeat was going so fast you could hear the blood pumping in your ears. It was so loud that you didn't hear the flutter of wings and Castiel call out to you.

"(y/n), what happened?" he rushed out and kneeled in front of you. You just shook your head and placed your hands over your face, shaking like a leaf. Castiel's beautiful blue hues filled with concern and he reached and grabbed your wrists gently. You jumped slightly at the contact and opened your eyes to be met with your boyfriend's worried expression. He was slightly blurred by tears but you could tell it was him.

The thought of him seeing you like this created even more anxiety in you and you gasped for air practically forgetting how to breathe. "It's ok (y/n), ok. I'm here. Listen to me, focus on me." he said while grabbing your hands and squeezing them slightly. You heard his voice but it sounded so far away. You felt him squeeze your hands and you gripped his tightly trying to grasp onto reality. "Breathe, breathe with me." you began to hear more clearly having his hands in yours began to help you ground yourself. "I'm-I'm sorry." you choked out. Cas looked at you with sympathy. "Ssh. just try and listen to me. Feel me I'm right here." you felt him let go of your hands and you frantically tried to grab them again. "Hey, Hey. It's ok. I'm here. Breathe with me, do you feel this?" he asked while taking your small hand and placing it against his chest. Your shaky hand rested against his chest and you felt his steady heartbeat. Your heart began to slowly calm down but you were still crying and trying to breathe steadily. He leaned forward and placed his forehead against yours and you could feel his breath fan across your face in a steady manner. In and out, In and back out again. Feeling him breathing helped you begin to regulate yours and the feeling of his heart beneath your palm and the warmth of him against your cold clammy skin instantly gave you a sense of peace.

"Look at me Darling, It's ok open your eyes. It's just me." Cas coaxed you gently into opening your eyes. When you did you saw his blue eyes gazing at you.

"Cas. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to see me like this. I understand if you don't want me anymore... I know it's a lot of baggage I'm sorry." you whispered hurriedly.

 He pulled away and tilted his head. Looking at you with confusion. "What do you mean (y/n), why would I not want you?" he asked "Because Castiel I have all these problems and I don't want you to feel like you have to deal with me." you said your voice just sounding so tired.

You saw him look at you with a serious expression, moving his hands to hold our face. "I would never not want you because of some problems you have. You don't have to carry all this by yourself. I'm here to help you, and to love you in spite of everything you may think of yourself. Because I do (y/n). I love you and I won't ever stop." he said seriously looking into your eyes.

You felt your heart swell at his words and a blush came across your cheeks. "I was so scared... that because of my depression and my anxiety that you wouldn't want me anymore. I thought that you would think I was broken." you began to tear up again, but he just wiped them away. "You love me, and I'm broken. It's ok to be broken (y/n). We have each other and we're all we need to be whole again. You're all I need." he reassured you. You sniffled and gave a quick nod. You leaned in you pressed a kiss to his lips. He pulled back and looked at you.

He saw the bags under your eyes, and the exhaustion tugging on your features. "Let's get you to bed." he said before picking you up and placing you in the bed. He let go of your hand that he was holding and you reached for it. "Please don't leave Cas. Please." you pleaded. "I'm not going anywhere, I'm just walking around the bed ok. I'm just gonna get comfortable before I lie down ok." he said sweetly. You nodded and watched as he discarded his coat, tie, jacket, and shoes before climbing in next to you.

He turned on his side like you were. Both facing each other, he wrapped his arm around you pulling you close. Your chest was pressed against his, and your nose touched his and he leaned in and pressed a small kiss to your lips. You sighed sleepily and tucked your head under his chin and held him tight.

That night a weight was lifted from your shoulders and you felt like you could finally breathe. You fell asleep with no worries and a restful mind.