supernatural preferences

how they help you deal with depression-Sam

for you love! Spn_Fam1

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Sam had no idea about your battle with depression. In fact, no one did. You carried it for yourself, not wanting to show any sign of weakness in fear of judgment. You felt scared and anxious. Everything was coming back and hitting you straight in the face.

It got worse when Eileen was brought back. It's not that you didn't like her but,she was giving you extreme anxiety. She was so close with Sam and the thought of them being that close made you begin to spin out of control. Your heart cracked when you saw him laughing with her, sharing smiles, hugs that lasted a few seconds more than your comfort would allow. It hurt you, but you put on the brave face you had done all of your life.

You had just gotten home from a hunt, and Sam stayed by Eileen through most of it. Dean stood by Cas, and you stood by yourself. It's happened before but never had it been like that.

You entered the bunker,and quickly headed for your room. Not Sam's room; yours. Sam was nowhere to be found, it's been almost an hour since you had gotten home and Sam was yet to see you.

You took advantage of this time, finally letting your hair down, and your dirty clothes drop to the floor as you stepped into the shower. As the warm water glided across your body, you felt yourself begin to shake. Your eyes began to water and your lip quivered.

"What did I do? Am I not enough for him anymore and he loves Eileen.. Where did I go wrong. " you spoke to yourself as tears now streamed down your cheeks, mingling with the warm shower water. You soon enough just sat on the floor of the shower crying, not knowing if things would ever go back to how they were. You wanted Jack back, you wanted to stop this. All of it. You couldn't and it made your heart break even more.

Sobs wrenched your body and the water began to run cold, but still you stayed curled into yourself. You felt like you only existed as a crutch for people, you felt like you meant nothing. You couldn't give yourself the will to move, you felt so weak and so out of control that you feared that if you stood up and tried to stand you'd fall again. You knew that if you went out there to face them your mask, your bravery, would break and they would see how broken you were. So you stayed there, eventually turning off the cold water but staying seated on the shower floor.

The world was crumbling, your faith in these people held tight but that small hope you had for yourself was so close to diminishing that you could barely see a spark behind your once fiery eyes.

A sudden knock on the door startled you, and you quickly jumped up wrapping a towel around yourself and wiped your eyes praying they wouldn't know you were crying.

"(y/n), are you in there? I just need to use the restroom if that's alright." you heard Eileen's voice ring out, and you sighed before stretching that beautifully crafted fake smile across your face. You opened the door slightly "Yeah of course Elieen , I was just finished so you can go right ahead." you smiled softly at her before opening the door fully to move past her quickly and into your room.

You walked through the door and closed it, locking it behind you. You let your facade fall once again and let yourself crash against the bed. Not caring if you got your sheets wet from the water droplets clinging to your hair, and the tears falling onto them. You looked over at your clock, it had been almost 3 hours and Sam was a no show still.

You didn't realize it but you had soon fallen asleep and was woken up to a knocking on your door. Sitting up quickly seeing that you were still in just a towel, you rushed to throw on underwear and one of Sam's shirts.

"(y/n). Are you ok? I haven't seen or heard from you since we got it in last night" The voice of Sam hung heavy in your ears. You walked to the door and unlocked it. "I'm fine Sam nothing is wrong ok, just let me be. It's not like you care anyway." you mumbled the last part but he heard it seeing as he opened the door.

"Well obviously you're not okay seeing as you're talking crazy. What in all of hell makes you think I don't care?" he asked sternly. He walked in and closed the door again.

You looked at him and when you saw his concern and pain from your words you broke. Just like that something snapped and you couldn't keep that mask from cracking anymore. Water sprung to your eyes and violently streamed down your cheeks again.

"Sam, you paid me no mind during the hunt, when we got back it took you until today to come see me. You stayed with Eileen through the whole thing, you were with her when your girlfriend needed you. You cared more for a girl you've known for much less time than me. You cared more for her than you did your own girlfriend Sam. I can't carry this baggage anymore, I can't I'm being crushed. I feel worthless for not being able to keep us all afloat. I'm in so much pain Sam and I'm so sick and tired of being all alone in this; while you're off with Eileen staring dreamily into each other's eyes. I can't do this anymore Sam. It's like you don't give a shit anymore. I can hardly get out of bed, I can barely move. I'm glued to the floor, and I don't even have you. I'm sick Samuel I have depression, and anxiety and I don't want it anymore!!" you shouted at him.

He looked at you, eyes wide and jaw clenched.

"I'm sorry (y/n), I didn't know it would hurt you so badly. She just came back from hell, she came back to life. I can't just leave her alone." he said.

You scoffed "Yeah well I've been to hell too, and heaven, shit I've even been to purgatory for fucks sake Samuel. I need you too, you know. I need you too." you started off strong and the last words became quiet and like a whimper.

Sam marched towards you and pulled you into his arms, and he felt you fight back for a while but he just held on. You soon stopped fighting him and wrapped your arms around him tightly. Crying so hard that you felt like your voice would disappear from the loud sobs. He just held you there.

"I'm sorry Babe. I'm so sorry I never saw your hurt. She can wait, you will always be first I swear I won't let you fall again. And if you do, then so do I. We're in this together now. I'm not leaving you, let me make it up to you. Let me carry something, i'd take it all if I could. I'm so sorry. Let's start again. Let me hold you and protect you, I won't let go I promise. What's yours is mine, we're in this together now." he said. His hands moved to hold your face, You looked up at him nodding, with tears clinging to your lashes.

"You don't have to stop being there for Eileen, she needs you. But just know I need you too. We all need each other. We'll do this together." you said. Reaching around him you held yourself tightly to him.

"Together."