Amor

~Chapter 50~

The cold December air bit at my skin mercilessly as I tread through the front lawn of Nate's house with arms wrapped around my midsection, seeking any ounce of comfort I could get.

Sounds of blaring music and teenagers going wild with laughter and liquor filled bellies were only slightly muffled by the plaster walls of the suburban home. The poor thing could barely contain the joy going on inside as it all overflowed out into the surrounding houses, most likely disturbing the families that lived there just trying to get some sleep or indulging in their own New Years festivities.

Either way, I was envious.

Envious of the fact that they could be so care-free with not a single thought in mind other than who they'd kiss once the clock hit midnight or if there was any alcohol left in the kitchen to fill their semi dented cups.

It's not often that I find myself wishing I was someone else, but there's always an exception or two when needed. And tonight was one of them. How desperately I wished I was any one of those people dancing inside the house enjoying the party.

Instead I'm here, on the edge of a nervous breakdown after getting into a fight with someone who claims to like me only to cause me more pain. Granted, I think it's safe to say that I hurt him more physically than he did to me mentally tonight.

The quick but painful hit to his private area, the red hand mark I left on his face, and a bruised ego can attest to that.

Still, those are only temporary. I'm sure that any bit of hurt he's feeling right now will be gone before the night ends. As for me, well... emotional scars are a lot harder to get over.

Coming up on the sidewalk where numerous cars line the streets and a couple lampposts keep me from being completely stuck in the dark, I decide to cool off next to where Lilly parked earlier. It wasn't that far from the party anyways so I knew it was a safe spot to be until I felt like going back inside.

With my back leaning against the passenger side door, I close my eyes to take deep breaths just like how my therapist taught me to do whenever things got me worked up. She said that one tactic she liked to use was naming all the people or things she loved and focusing her thoughts on those to prevent her from honing in on what was going on around her.

I never had to actually use this method before now, but there's a first time for everything.

Clearing my throat, I start to quietly mumble to myself while my hands fidget with the hem of my dress. Having them occupied with something is better than cracking my knuckles. At least, that's what Jesse believes.

"Okay" I sigh, focusing on tuning out the music that blends into the noises that accompany the night. The mindless lyrics and overused rhythms gradually fade in with the soft chirping of the crickets and occasional bursts of wind that pass by.

It's all interwoven once you take a step back to see it, really.

List the things I love... I think to myself. Well that's simple. I love a lot and in many different forms but the first two that pop into my head are my brother and my boyfriend.

Of course I can add my friends and my precious baby Thumper to the list, same goes for my obsession with ice cream, but both of those boys hold a special place in my heart where not even my parents were able to touch once upon a time.

It's like they're their own enigma. The sun and the moon.

Jesse is the sun that brightens up my days and reminds me that even when things are hard, there are always new beginnings just around the corner. He is the warmth and hope that seeps into your skin, humming promises of love and happiness that'll stay with you even when its light is subdued by dark clouds or hidden in the cover of night. Even when you can't see it, it's always there; that kindness and unforgettable embrace.