Don't leave me - serie 1

25| Black

Andy's POV

I still do not remember what happened. It is all so blurry. It's as if there's something in my head that is holding back all the memories. There are little pieces that I remember. Like an empty street, a park, someone chasing me, a car and then again... the image I see every time I close my eyes, when I dream away, even when I'm completely awake. It is the image of a man, a broad-built man. He holds me tightly, I try to fight, but it is useless, he is much stronger than me. He tries to hold something against my mouth. I want to resist, but I feel weak. I can't move any more, my knees start shaking and I can't carry my weight any more. Everything starts spinning and in the end, all I see is black. I can't do anything any more, I'm paralysed, locked in my own thoughts and there is no escape. I can't defend myself any more. He has all the power, he can do what he wants and no one will see, because the streets were empty.

And if that's not enough, I feel awful the last few days, but I don't want to show it to the others. They shouldn't see me as weak, then they will certainly throw me out of the band. I take painkillers to feel better, but I have to take more every time. It's as if they are starting to lose their effect and the pot is almost empty. I phoned the doctor, and he advised me to take more severe painkillers. Of course, I didn't tell the whole truth, only that I still had a lot of headaches and it didn't go away. Luckily he believed me because I can't live without these painkillers. I need them to get through the day. To make sure that I don't have any pain and that I can throw myself into work.

The last few days I've also been much more tired, but I probably barely get any sleep. I just don't dare any more, because every time I see that man again and get kidnapped, I get paralysed again and I get caught in my thoughts again. Who knows what he would have done if Max had not saved me.

Talking about Max. I sent him to thank him for saving me. He asked if I wanted to meet again, but frankly, I don't dare. I am afraid to go out on my own. I am afraid of everyone and hate it when people come too close to me. And then with Rye. We were getting so close when Max asked me out early, so I wanted to spend more time with him.

But lately, he's been acting weird too. He started to get more and more distant and now he's even gone for days. He doesn't talk to me or even look at me any more. Did I do something wrong? Maybe he thought I wanted us to get back together, which I certainly do, but maybe he doesn't. Maybe he only sees us as friends, nothing more. It hurts me to see that he has become so distant again. I still love him so much and want to have him so close to me. The last time I slept well was when I was with him when I was in his arms. I felt safe and warm. It all felt so good and now it's all gone. I messed up again. I've ruined everything again. Why don't I ever do anything right? Why am I so stupid? So weak? I hate myself.

And I am not the only one who hates myself. I get so much hate on social media. They don't stop and now that I'm less active, it's even worse. They won't leave me alone for another minute. They look everywhere to find something to hurt me... and they succeed. I don't know if this can go on any longer.

But I don't have time to think about it or to rest or even to get sick. I can't be weak and I have to go on. That's why I try to do as much as I can in the household. I also try to push the others to make new covers more often or make a new vlog. I never really sit still and when no one sees it I take painkillers, fortunately, no one has found out yet.

Today I felt so bad that I had to take at least 5. I also felt so weak and breathing was more difficult because I had to cough so much. I also felt warm and then cold again and warm again.

"Andy! Jack shouts. I shake my head and look at him with a questioning look. "Are you fine? I had to shout five times before you reacted," he asks. I hear the concern in his voice, but I don't want him to know that I don't feel well. "Yes, yes, I was just dreaming" I say with a small smile. "Ow, OK, it's your turn" he says. In the meantime, we are in the studio to record a new cover. I get up from my seat and go into the recording room. I have to make a lot of effort to sing the right notes.

We're finally ready, I feel so tired and would love to crawl into my bed, but we still have to record a cover and I can't say I don't feel well. But it's all so much. I didn't even go to sleep yesterday and worked all night in the flat and now I had to record my part so often that my voice is hoarse and I can barely talk. When I talk it even hurts.

A little later

I see Rye looking at me. He looks worried, but he quickly realizes that I am looking at him, and he is looking in front of him again. His look is cold and emotionless. It has been like that for days and I don't understand what is going on. why has he become so distant? It was like that all of a sudden. In the morning we were still close and then all of a sudden he didn't want to speak and apparently he didn't want to see any more. I don't understand anything about it and the others don't know either, because they have asked me several times what's wrong with him, but I can't give them an answer.

"Andy!" I only now realize that Jack is standing in front of me, waving his arms. "What's going on with you?" he asks with a questioning look as he shakes his head and drags me out.

Meanwhile, we have been working on the video for almost 2 hours. It's not going well and I feel worse and worse, but I'm trying to keep my fake smile, although it's getting more and more difficult. I've seen Rye staring at me several times, but every time I look at him he stares in front of him with the same cold look.

I feel so tired and weak. Suddenly I have a hard cough. I start looking for my inhaler but remember I left it at home. Brook asks, "are you okay?" worried as he walks towards me. I want to say something, but it doesn't work. Breathing becomes more difficult, my legs start to shake, everything starts to turn. I try not to surrender to the black in front of my eyes, but I'm too weak and I don't have any energy at all. I feel my legs breaking down and then everything turns black.

A/N:

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