Taming the Waves (College Series #2)

Chapter 17

Trigger Warning: Self-harm

As Mira makes her way towards us, it feels like my world shuts down. Maraming pumapasok sa isip ko. I don't remember giving it to her... I don't even know if I show it to her! Her lips rose as our friends flooded her with compliments and praises. I hope it's just a coincidence... even though that dress was a limited edition.

"You look stiff, Achi," Joaquin uttered from my behind.

I shook my head, trying to erase all my unwanted thoughts. Lumingon ako sa kanya at nginitian sya. I shouldn't think ill of Mira. She's one of my most treasured friends.

"Ganda ng dress, Mira!" bati ni Vina sa kanya nang tuluyan syang makalapit sa amin.

She smiled shyly. "T-thank you."

I did my best to not think of anything. Binati ko lang din ang babae bago napagdesisyonang umalis sa dance floor at lumapit na lang ulit kay Troy. Hindi pa man ako tuluyang nakakaupo ay madiin na ang tingin na iginawad nya sa akin. It's as if he's trying to read my mind.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

Tumango lang ako at umupo sa tabi nya. Hindi rin sya umimik. Pinanood naming dalawa ang mga kaibigan kong nagsasayawan sa gitna ng dance floor. My mind is tangled with thoughts. I was sure it was my dress! Bakit nasa kanya?

I'm not sure how that night ended. Ang alam ko lang ay inihatid na ako ni Troy sa amin nang mag-alas onse kahit ang plano ko ay madaling araw na uuwi. I was giving him silent treatment and he was really confused and sad. Ni hindi ko na naipaliwanag na hindi ako sa kanya galit dahil masyadong magulo ang utak ko.

Why am I so good at overthinking?! Hindi naman ako para pagnakawan ni Mira! Isa pa, hindi naman sya pumupunta sa bahay namin kaya imposibleng makuha nya 'yon. I don't know... I just have this gut feeling that it's mine.

The next days were painfully slow for me. My parents were arguing all the fucking time to the point that I am becoming their stress absorber. Tuwing nagtatalo sila ay kung ano-ano ang sinasabi sa akin ni Mama. Sinasalo ko ang lahat dahil wala akong magawa.

Displacement.

She's giving her negative emotions on a less threatening and weaker object who happens to be me.

"Walang wala ka talaga sa ate mo! Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangang kagaya mo pa ang maging anak ko! You bring nothing but disgrace to this family!"

That's her words when my research paper failed to accomplish the best research award. In-announce 'yon matapos mismo ang pasko... and I guess that's her gift to me. My grades were also given virtually. Dean's lister pa rin naman ako at mataas ang average ko pero ang napansin nya pa rin ay ang hindi ko nakuha.

Madalas akong padalhan ng message ni Troy pero hindi ako makapag-reply nang maayos. I just can't talk to anyone. I feel like I wanted to isolate myself... to think and reflect. My father isn't always at home kaya madalas ay si Mama ang kasama ko... and it isn't good. Her words are leaving scars to my already tainted heart.

"Y-you!" sigaw nya. "Where's my phone?!"

"Hindi ko alam, Ma," I answered, getting tired of all that's happening.

She didn't believe me. Mula sa pintuan ng kwarto ko ay pumasok sya. Her footsteps were ticking harshly against the floor. Mabilis ang ginawa nyang pagkakalat sa mga damit ko, gaya ng lagi nyang ginagawa. I heard how some of the hangers cracked. Hindi pa nakuntento at miski ang lampshade sa study table ko ay walang habas nyang ibinato.

I wasn't able to utter a word. I just can't.

"I regret giving birth to you! I regret marrying your goddamm father! I regret having this family! Mga putangina nyo!"