Taming the Waves (College Series #2)

Chapter 28

But this isn't the death I wanted.

I lost my voice... literally. I was mute. Even if I wanted to speak all my thoughts and feelings, my mouth gave up on me.

Months after Troy left, I was diagnosed with PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and MDD or Major Depressive Disorder. My dream of becoming a psychologist was put on hold. My job as a college professor was stripped away from me... because I'm incapable. I can't teach students when my breakdowns are frequent. I can't teach students when I can't formulate any word. My apartment was also taken away from me because I can't pay my rent.

Where am I? I'm stuck in this room without anything but plain white walls and ceiling. The single bed with white bed sheets and pillow cases looked lonely... like me.

I'm at the National Center for Mental Health in Mandaluyong... but I didn't come here as a psychologist. I am here as a patient.

"Chin, kain ka muna."

Napatingin ako sa tumawag sa akin. I saw Dr. Orilla holding a plate filled with food.

Lumapit siya sa akin at inilapag sa mesa ang pinggan bago ako tinabihan. Umupo siya sa kama at pinanood namin mula sa bintana ang ibang pasyente na nasa garden.

"Gusto mong lumabas?" she asked softly. "Igagala kita?"

I shook my head and pulled the bed sheet beneath me. It all came back to me. After he leaves my apartment, I waited for him to come back... but he didn't.

The following days, Ate Myrna visited me and she found me, almost dead, barely breathing. Isinugod niya ulit ako sa hospital.

When I recovered, she told me that Luke was now being convicted of sexual harassment and attempted murder. Inasikaso niya ang lahat para sa akin. Hindi na ako nangealam. Ayoko na siyang makita.

They just asked me about some statements but because of my condition, I wasn't able to give it. I was frustrated! Gusto kong sabihin lahat ng sama ng loob ko.

Kaya hindi ko maintindihan... hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit hindi bumalik sa akin si Troy.

I went to their house for weeks. Tinatanaw lang kung nandoon ba siya. Pero kahit isang beses, hindi ko siya nakita, kahit ang anino niya. I texted my friends. Si Anne, Mich, Vina, mga kaibigan ko noong highschool at ilang kaklase noong college. I texted them because I feel so alone.

But all of them have their own lives now. Vina is the closest to me but she's busy studying medicine. Wala rin siya sa Isabela o Mandaluyong... at ayoko naman siyang guluhin. It's her dream. She worked hard for that. I shouldn't bother her.

I was alone... in my darkest days. I had suicide attempts. But everytime I try to kill myself, may kumukulbit sa puso ko dahil baka bumalik siya. Baka balikan ako ni Troy.

That's when I realized that even after everything, he's still my home... even if he refuses to hold the key.

Naramdaman ko ang banayad na paghaplos ni Dr. Orilla sa buhok ko.

"Take your meds, hmm? We can get through this, Chin. You are not alone in this battle."

I want to thank her but all I can do for now is to give her a smile and an unsure nod.

I'm currently under cognitive behavior therapy to minimize the recurrence of my attacks and nightmares. I also undergo speech therapy to at least find my voice. Marami rin akong iniinom na gamot.

But I know better. These tablets will never be enough to cure someone who doesn't have the willpower to be cured. It's all on me. I have to help myself. Maybe someday but... not now.