Nothing but the Truth

Part 30 my thoughts and feelings

This is about how I think and feel due to being autistic:
If I'm happy: I will usually be a bit of a mad head just very silly, bubbly, ditzy and have one of those smiles that could light up like a Christmas tree. My cause for being happy can be a lot of different things like getting good feedback on my work, seeing and hanging out with friends even if it's doing nothing and just finding fun in it, being with my fantastic boyfriend Dazza (seriously where did I find him? Lol) and sometimes it's just sitting back and writing but that's more like my relaxation method.
When I'm sad: if I'm sad I am just very quiet won't speak to anyone, sometimes teary eyed and just feel like hiding my head in my knees or if I'm sat at a table with my head in my hands. Sometimes I get a little mouthy when I'm upset but to be honest I wouldn't necessarily call it like being upset in fact I'm more likely to call it depression. And I say that because I know what it's like to put up a front and pretend it's okay when it's not really ok. If I'm in depression I know this may seem rude but I ignore people unless it's a tutor or whatever then I will answer. Also I feel like I'm in a bubble and it's getting bigger and bigger and bigger until suddenly POP it bursts then you have anger combined with depression and then I'm like a kid throw a tantrum like some five year old who can't get her own way. To be honest I hate being depressed but I think the depression is a side effect from back in 2010 to maybe 2013 where I stooped really low wanting to end it all and (then some days I still want to end it but I'm just scared to). I'll tell you the truth and that's when I went through my suicide stage imagine being behind the rail of the ocean only just an edge your toes are trying their damnedest to keep you still on that ledge for as they can, your body just trembles you can hear the crashing and splashing of the ocean waves your back still against that rail you suddenly get tired and one of your feet just slips and the next thing you know is your having like a 8 foot drop it doesn't seem like that but it happens so suddenly and quickly that it's like your diving down down down before SPLASH you hit the ocean and wash away with it maybe free but maybe still it's like a wild dream (that is what my thought of suicide is).
If I'm angry: in The Fault in Our Stars Hazel says in both the book and the movie such a truthful quote I will always relate to "I'm a grenade and at some point I'm going to blow up and destroy everything in my wake" and I think that quote although about her dying I think would be about me either committing suicide or doing something just so crazy and pathetic that I'd ruin lives. If was to be angry I will not get violent but if I am angry I am like a psychopath that needs a straight jacket and to be sent to rehab. Although sometimes I can get angry I also hate my anger for many reasons the most heart breaking reason what I can think of it when I lashed at Connor I knew it was wrong but I couldn't see straight and think straight either I only remember a few beatings from the lashing out but I remember after doing it stood there and just cried my eyes out I never imagined doing things like that in a million years I was in the wrong it was all out of hurt and if I could rewind I'd say "give me that remote let me tell myself to not do it just scream and shout at myself saying "DONT DO IT YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" Or "THIS WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE!"" And I honestly would do I would do it until I lost voice and repeat those two sayings over and over again and I would watch myself walk away the same way I watched him walk away scared, hurt, angry but they say if you could yourself would you stop yourself?
Why am I honest: I think the main reason I have to be honest is because I feel like there's so much bullshit in this world that you don't know who's saying truth who's saying lies. Lies are so pathetically ugly that I feel like people shouldn't ever get away with lying. Lying is what pathetic cowards do to save themselves from the trouble they'll get but even how people lie about serious things like stealing or cheating (in relationships or gambling) or even things like a pregnancy I think lying is sad and pathetic and just disgusting how people can think of lies and come come out with them so easily. When people want truth there's usually a few things that can prove the truth one of these things is proof like no receipt for stealing maybe two marks on a pregnancy test but to be honest proof is nothing proof is just a pathetic piece of evidence like a piece of paper or something else. People do thing proof is the main thing to prove if someone's lying but to be honest it's not sometimes gossip and lies are more interesting but they always hurt someone. I think the only truth can come from some very plain people I'm not saying that to be nasty I'm saying that I'm being honest (why do you think this books called NBTT) I think like my quote (from the previous page) no matter how plain a woman may be if truth and honesty is written across her face she's bound to be beautiful. I think honest people are the most beautiful people you can meet and I think being honest is something you have to be a certain time. But being a good person who is nice, honest, trustworthy, hard working, genuine person is the key to having a good life and having the beauty of a somewhat perfect world.