Nothing but the Truth

Part 39 Everything has Changed

Have you ever had that feeling where you feel like you've never been good enough? If your answer is yes then your up my street. For a few months now I feel like my relationship with Dazza has gone down hill and I can't cope with being in the relationship anymore I've never been invited to his house we have no communication or do anything out of college. I've felt so crappy that all I can do now is just end it I can't love someone who can't make time or effort with me. I've been threatened so many times from his sister and him that if I leave him I'll end up dead... But when I haven't been given a chance to prove that I'm not like the rest of the girls he's been with I can't lie to myself or him anymore I don't love him like I used to. At one point he really meant my world but what can I do when no efforts being made and there's no plan for us. Every time I've asked to go to the house all I get is "cant" excuse I hate excuses and I hate liars. I'd do anything I wouldn't try anything on I wouldn't be a slut I'm not like the other girls and that's what hurts the most. We've argued 3 times the first my 4 weeks of depression on the second week where he said something "for god sakes everyone's fucking upset today" with that I wanted to slap him round the face but I just turned round and shouted at him called him an insensitive wanker and was that upset that I couldn't trust him. What I regret the most is going to his party getting called a gold digger by his sister I just wanted to walk home I really wanted to walk home and all he could do was sit there not realizing how scared and upset I was that he didn't have the decency to come over and give me a cuddle. A few months after the party I finally couldn't hold back how angry I was with him and his family I swear down I couldn't be nice with him. A few days later we had another argument same thing why he lies to me why he doesn't make effort why his sister hates me. I couldn't hold in the anger if I can say this I hate his sister and I hate him. I need a man not a little boy who can't have any freedom or anything. When I was sat in the common room with him on Wednesday I didn't feel the same about him like I always do I know it needs to end all I'm doing is hurting and there's nothing worse then being hurt. On top of all that the Monday back at college I met someone called Connor who I've not seen since June the 1st I think I like him but I don't wanna rush things and get hurt. I met Connor through mistaking him for Derek I just said to him "alright Derek" he answered back and then turned round to me saying "sorry do I know you?" And I was quick to be defensive I turned round and just said "oh sorry I thought you were someone I knew" he started walking back towards me "what's your name?" He kinda shouted over I told him my name was Shayleigh Lol even tho he did kinda make the same mistake everyone does Kayleigh, Haley so I told him my name again Connor did come over to me though and told me that he'd want to get to know me which was surprising he also asked my age told him I was nearly 18 and I asked his name he told me his name was Connor and here's the shocker I thought he was around 17 or 18 but he told me he was 22 i said to him "really you don't look 22" "really how old do I look?" Connor asked me "about 17 18" I replied he asked my Facebook and I just said to him "it's a pic of me and my boyfriend (on about now ex Dazza)" he said he'd look me up I do think I like him a lot and I just need to get to know him more. With Dazza there is one thing that's upset me not just the lies and excuses but the way he was talking about one of the lads I know self harming I thought that's a knife to the back. But to say the least getting rid of Dazza isn't hurting at all it's more relief I know I've got the most amazing group of girl mates in the world, I've got Connor (well if we ever see each other again) and above that I met my idols Jade, Jesy, Leigh Anne and Perrie Little Mix and meeting the little mix girls has to be the best day of my life so far. I got hugs of all of the little mix girls but the first LM girl I had to go over to was Perrie got a hug off Perrie and said to her (I was in happy tears meeting her) I said "I've been wanting to meet you for ages" then I got a hug of Jade then Jesy then Leigh Anne Leigh Anne was really lovely she gave me a hug and said "hello Lovely" oh my god it still doesn't feel really real but I'm so over the moon that I've met them. So yeah things have definitely changed but they've changed for the better not the worst. The way I see it is life is like a camera focus on the positive, develop from the negatives and if it still doesn't work take another picture.