Nothing but the Truth

Part 33 The Fight Inside my Mind (Depression)

This is something I hate having to open up about... Depression I have been depressed these past few weeks to be honest it started so weirdly and over such a silly little thing. I remember being in Healthy Living on Monday the 26th of January and I was having a drink of flavoured water and then a bit spilt on my cheek I asked my LSA Joe if I could go out for a few minutes Joe said I could and I took myself out of healthy living and was just walking around the college. On Wednesday I had sport I remember going into the sports hall and I don't know why but for some reason I just went in and shouted "I'm not doing it!" and stormed out I went outside to calm myself down. After I'd calmed down I tried to join in with football but that made me equally as angry as I'd ever been I had and I know it was a soft ball but it hit me in the face and I just began crying and shouting I remember just shouting "Just let me out of here!" or "I'm not doing it!". Some people say I'm hormonal and that Wednesday was when everything in my body went numb I felt like shit I didn't want to do nothing or want anything to do with anyone. Thursday I thought had got better but then went down hill by the lunchtime I was had a go at, I came back from KFC in town and I wasn't in the mood yet another go was had at me this time by a lass who I will never get on with and then I was storming up and down the corridor as soon as I came onto where the toilets are the lass had followed me and this was when I snapped I turned round "what part of leave me alone I don't want to talk to you don't you understand" I said and I went down stairs one of the worst days of my life. The next monday my ex Connor was back at college I found out through Dazza and I was fuming I thought that week was gonna be fine and I didn't have to worry and be this way. But what started off as fun turned into an arugment when Connor questioned my depression by saying "oh you alright today not a moody cow like you often are"  and I just politely asked him not t talk about my depression that was another thing that made me snap I tried to tell one of the tutors and like everything he was quick to deny it and threatened to get his cousin on me. As that week went on I just felt lonly and sad and I refuse anything and everything in general. What I've noticed is that I'm snappy with people, I won't have a laugh and I just feel like I've gone from completely normal and fine to this horrible, doesn't care about nothing and bad person. I don't mean to snap at people if you went through what I'm going through then you'd understand it's not that easy to put on a front and trying to keep yourself quiet and out of everyones way there's no easy way of saying this but I feel like I should die and then no one would care or have to put up with my mood swings. I'll do anything to not be like this I just don't know. Demi Lovato once wrote:

I'm a lightweight 

Better be careful what you say 

With every word I'm blown away your in control of my heart

I'm a lightweight 

Easy to fall, Easy to break 

With every move my whole world shakes 

Keep me from falling apart

Such an honest, beautiful song and it's anything to get me by this crappy time I'm trying to stay strong but as for today I'm feeling down