What's Enough?

Chapter 138

Still Have Me- Demi Lovato

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Everything within me is numb.

My emotions are racing through my body like cars on a race track going round and round; they've all reached the finish line except for me.

I'm the car that keeps going around and around, not them; they know their path.

The silence around me pierces through me like a sharp razor cutting flesh. I always come back here to this dark place, left with my thoughts when I am alone by myself.

My thoughts are the only thing that seems to stick with me when everyone else leaves. Everyone is always leaving me!

After all, I have been through, you would think I'm used to this hollow feeling, but I am not. Every time some leaves, it hurts just as bad as it did the first time.

Why do people always leave me?

People always leave even if they promised me a thousand times that they wouldn't.

I've watched everyone leave my life, and the worst part about it is that I deserved it.

Caleb left because I allowed Ryder to kiss me; that's my fault.

My parents left because they were afraid of me. They didn't know how to handle a child with mental health problems; I was their problem; they ignored the elephant in the room by leaving. They abandoned me when I needed them the most.

I wish I were the person people love and adore; I want to be the person that everyone cherishes and looks up to, but I know I will never be that. No matter how hard I pretend to be that person, that dream will never be a reality.

What the hell am I here for? If all this world has to offer is pain and suffering, why do I have to stay?

I'm on the roof staring up at the night sky; the bright stars cluster together, forming light for the world. Even the stars have a purpose, yet I don't.

I know the ones beyond them are looking at me and laughing; they know my destiny, but yet they never care to share; they just watch as I go through shit.

I said once that I would fight against the universe and change my path. But it's not as easy as it looks. Changing your destiny is like mixing cake ingredients together and then trying to separate them back into what they were before.

It's impossible, so why even try?

Try. Trying is what you do when you know that you can't do something but that little voice in the back of your head that tells you to go for it anyway, even though it may be inevitable.

There's a small match inside of me keeping me going. Lighting up all the darkness within. Even when the voices are telling me to jump or to go get that razor and just kill myself, I hear the faint little voice in the back telling me to "try."

I could let it go out, the match; I could ignore it, the voice. What I am feeling right now is a reason to let the match dim and block out the voice.

I want to go cut. I want a drink; I want to die.

I think I've hit the point in life where I'm just done; I cried, I fought, I've even tried, but everything is crashing down; my demons are screaming louder, trying to reach the little light in me and blow it out, trying to find the source of this voice and turn it off.

But that's what they want; whoever is above wants me to give up, there trying to prove me wrong, show me that I can't change my destiny by taking away the good things in my life, reminding me of how it feels to be alone and that they can take away anything at any time.

There's one thing, though, that they can't take, and that's me.

They can do things in my life to make me hate myself, and they can cause the people around me to turn their backs and fuck me a hundred times over, but they can't take me away from me. No matter how hard they try.

I'm the one who picks up that knife and cuts. I'm the one who decides to get a drink and drown myself in alcohol; I'm the one who chooses to give up.

They control what happens, but I control how I react.

I want to live; I want to prove everything and everyone wrong, the people above and the people down here.

I don't want to be the easy girl with daddy issues, the bullied girl who doesn't stand up for herself, the girl who burned down her dad's dealership. The girl who is the reason someone is dead. The girl who is the reason the star Quarterback got shot.

I don't know what I want, but I don't want any of those things to define who I am. Though I may not know who I am and what I want in life, I do know that I want a chance to find what I want without anyone.

People may leave my life, and yes, they may leave because I have done something, but what is keeping me at bay right now is viewing my life as a book.

My life is a book.

People are going to leave. But that doesn't mean it's the end of my story. It's just the end of their part in my story.

I have to remember that even if the characters leave, at the end of the day, this is my novel, not theirs.

If people choose not to be a part of my life, my book. It's okay.

I still have me.

~~~

(Short chapter ik ik I literally just typed this up on my lunch break I was not even going to update today, but I saw some comments with people saying/threatening they weren't going to continue reading if Jayda end up with Ryder or Jayda and Caleb break up or if Jayda does end up with Ryder whatever the case maybe but that just threw me off me so I had to let Jayda defend herself! 😒
Also from here on out the feel of the book is going to slightly change, Jayda personality will change SLIGHTLY! Nothing drastic! Last chapter was a climax Chapter, there's one more chapter that'll be the the 2nd climax and then I'll start wrapping up🥺 but don't worry thats no time soon... I think😂)