What's Enough?

Chapter 151

Ryder POV

January 16th, 2020 was the day my already horrible life turned even worse.

Here I was at my house ending things with Willow, telling her that I couldn't be with her because I wanted to be with Jayda. Even though I doubt Jayda even knew who I was then, well, she probably knew who I was but didn't really know who I was, if that makes sense.

To her, I was the school bully, the heartless boy—the King of the Elite.

Many people think being an elite is the best thing ever to happen; they think you are just this perfect person if you are one of us. Little do they know we are far from perfect.

To be an elite, you have to be damaged, broken.

That's all we are.

Broken souls terrorizing others to make ourselves feel better.

Willow hated me for ending things with her. I have no idea why she would even be mad; she's the one who slept with all my "friends." Did she really expect me to stay with her after I found out? Willow is yet another regret I have in my life. I lost my virginity in the ninth grade with a girl I barely knew. A girl I only started talking to because I wanted to keep my mind off of Jayda.

My "friend" group started to catch on to me when I told them not to mess with her and to choose some else to terrorize during grades 9th-11th. I always made sure that they left her alone. The parties we threw, I again made sure she never got invited. A Lot of shit went down at those parties, a lot of shit that I never wanted her around.

They started to make fun of me for simping over a girl who wasn't one of us or who wasn't even popular, so I "dated" Willow. I had sex with her. I felt horrible, and I still couldn't stop thinking about Jayda.

Willow and I were on and off for three years; I kept breaking up with her because I would tell myself I was going to finally tell Jayda how I felt, but then I backed down.

I slept with yet another girl, thinking maybe I just needed to find the one. Technically another one because Jayda is and has always been the one.

Anyways Matt, helped me sleep my way through the school, our school, and Harrison Prep. After sleeping with ten different girls, two at the same time over the years.

Jayda was still the only one I wanted.

I got back with Willow sometime during Junior year. Eventually, I couldn't take the emptiness in my heart anymore. I wanted to just come clean to Jayda and tell her how I felt. It took me twelve years, but I was finally going to do it; I didn't care about the consequences if declaring my love for her meant giving up the life I followed in my brother's footsteps to have, then I was all for it.

Willow knew from the very beginning since ninth grade that I liked Jayda; I told her, she said she didn't care. She knew how I felt about Jayda; she knew I was never really with her because my heart belonged to another.

It belonged to a girl who walked in a world with no direction.

Every day Jayda came to school looking even more lost than before. The girl involved in everything slowly was backing out of the things she once enjoyed. I didn't understand.

So many times, I wanted to go up to her and just say something, but I didn't. I was a coward. I fucking idiot, eighteen and scared to talk to a girl.

Granted, she's not any girl; she's Jayda, the girl I had loved all my life, even before I even knew what love was. It wasn't until I became older when I realized it was more than just some schoolboy crush.