What's Enough?

Chapter 121

Today is the day I start my first job. I fold the uniform Ms.Kelly gave me and slip it into my bookbag. I was so eager for today that I couldn't fall asleep last night. I haven't felt this excited about anything in a long time; even with the NYU meeting, I was more nervous and anxious.

I'm so excited about this evening. Then again, I don't know if excited is the word; whatever is less than excited, that is how I feel. It didn't hit me until later last night while in deep thought that I'm working at the diner... the diner.

What the hell was I thinking? Everyone hangs out there. I'm starting to think that I set myself up for embarrassment.

How can I show up there in my uniform, ready for work when everyone that hangs out there hates me? No one really messes with me anymore, maybe because they have nothing else to say about me or because they found better things to do, other victims maybe. That won't be the case anymore, though; I know they will have a field day with this one.

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much what other people think. But I do. It's sad I know that I base the things I do on what other people will think.

I'm starting to live for myself now and accept whatever fate has in store, but yet I live in fear of people's opinions. Maybe one day, I will really learn how to live for myself and do what I want without the fear of what others will think.

...

"Hey," I run into Jessica as I head to my locker,

"Hey,"

"Uh, so can I ask you a question?"

She looks at me and says, "Sure,"

"Friday, in the bathroom, what happened?"

She stares straight ahead as we walk down the hall "Nothing. Ashley was just," she pauses, "Being Ashley,"

"But she was crying, not you," If Ashely was just being herself, then why was she the one crying? She usually is the one tearing other people down.

She laughs and says, "She was being the real one, the Ashley that no one knows,"

"And you do?" I question.

"Of course," she gives me a sly smile and then turns aways.

I don't doubt she does; to be an 'ex elite,' she must know all their secrets. The good ones and the bad ones. That explains why they're all so close and why she was close to them, even though Jessica seems so different from all of them.

Secrets are what keeps people close, right?

It kept me and Ryder close.

Ugh, Ryder. I miss him—sort of. I don't actually miss him the person; I just miss checking on him and making sure he was alright.

I miss Evelyn too. She and I have had some interesting conversations over the last month with my visits; she's nothing like how I thought she would be. She's sweet and kind, a real down to earth person. She's the total opposite of Ryder.

Jessica and I continue down the hall, and then we both turn the corner; her class is two doors down from mine.

"I'll see you at lunch," she says.

"Okay,"

...

I enter the cafeteria and search for Jessica; I don't see her. I send her a quick text asking where she is, and then I put my phone back into my pocket.

When I look up and spot James waving me over, he's sitting by himself. I wonder where everyone is at. I walk over to the table, and he greets me.

"Where is everyone at?" I ask.

"Violet and Liam had some student government meeting, and Thomas is in the robotics room working on that damn robot," he huffs. I laugh. Out of Violet, Thomas, and Liam. I think I miss James the most. "So what have you been up to?"

I shrug my shoulder, "Nothing much, just trying to get my community service hours and trying to complete this senior project,"

"How's that going? The project?"

"It's going okay,"

He then asks what Jessica and I are going for our project. Without mentioning the AJ Crawford thing, I explain that we are doing statistics and a report on suicides in America.

He then asks, "Are you okay with doing that? Like is it not too much for you, talking about it, researching it?"

"No, it's okay. I don't really have a problem talking about suicide and mental health. That is as long as I'm not talking about my attempts and my mental health,"

He gives me a comforting smile. "How come you never told us?"

Guilt hovers over me at his question; they were my friends, kind of; I should have said something I just never got the chance. "I didn't want anyone to know," I say instead. "I was scared you guys would treat me different, treat me like I was broken or something,"

He tilts his head to the side, "I don't think we would've treated you like that; we maybe would have been a little more conscious of what we said to you," he explains. "Now, other people," his eyebrows raise. "If people knew about your the suicide thing, they most likely would've stopped messing with you. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"I guess so,"

"Things could've been so different for you," he sighs.

"For me, yeah, but what about everyone else? I'm not the only one at this school who gets messed. If they stopped tormenting me, they would've just moved on to someone else" They would've found another victim.

He sighs, "There's nothing you can do about that; no one can do anything about it. It's high school; it's the fucking circle of life."

...

As I pull the black skirt up, it starts getting a little tight around my thighs. I knew I should've gotten a bigger size. I jump in the air and then pull on the skirt; it finally comes over my ass. Ugh, I just had to get my mother's butt.

I know in this generation, having a huge butt is like the best thing ever, but it's not. People pay thousands just to have one.

I, on the other hand, would pay thousands to remove mines. I try my best not to be seen and noticed; walking around with a huge ass doesn't help.

I button the black collared shirt and then toss the clothes I wore to school back into my bookbag. By the time I finish, I am out of breath; this is a lot of work; how the hell am I supposed to do this every other day. I grab my book bag, walk out of the bathrooms then out of the school. It's 3:30; I have ten minutes to make it to the diner; I canceled my therapy session, so I don't have to meet with Rachel today. Ms.Kelly said she needed today to train me, but after today I don't have to be there until five, which is perfect because my appointment with Rachel ends around 4:50, sometimes earlier.

So it works out, things actually are working out for me, and boy am I surprised. Maybe just maybe the universe decided to give me a fucking break for once in my life.

Maybe.

~~~

( I see your comments about Ryder... he is coming and his POV is coming soon! Again he knows everything so there can't be a lot of his POV's)