What's Enough?

Chapter 168

Two Weeks Later...

Jayda POV

One tap.

My finger taps my stomach one time for each second that passes by. Two weeks, I have spent two weeks doing the same fucking thing repeatedly. Every day, I get up, shower, get dressed, go down to the cafeteria for breakfast, then back upstairs to room 205 for our schooling; it's more like a tutoring thing; I'm still enrolled at Crossland, some lady picks up my work from them every week, gives it to me, we work on it for the week. However, I am almost always finished before the week is over, so yeah. Anyways whenever I finish, she drops it back off and picks up more. When my school/tutoring is finished, I go to my first group—self-love.

That's the actual name.

Basically, we just sit around in this circle and tell people interesting things about ourselves, and then we go over self-love techniques, last week; we created vision boards. My vision board was pretty bleak, just like the one at home. I have no vision of my life; that's why the board at home has AJ's vision, not mine.

I just left the one we did here blank. The lady asked me several times was I sure. I looked at her like she was crazy because obviously, if I had a fucking vision, I would put it.

The adults here, I swear, are a hundred times more infuriating than the ones outside in the normal world. What did I expect? They hang with crazy-ass kids all day, so. There's only one person I can tolerate here, and that's Dale. Like last time, he's the coordinator of my third group—the one after my NA meeting. I meet with him and a whole bunch of other people for group, and then after I meet with him one on one. Even though I failed again, and even though in our session's we've had these past two weeks, I told him that I wanted to die and that nothing anyone said or did was going to change that he still holds onto hope, he still continues fighting for me, helping me to see that I still have so much life to live! I think I am partially starting to just maybe believe what he is saying.

"Why would you want to live a life without me in it?" That obnoxious yet void filling voice asks.

I roll off the spring bed and walk over to the plain four-legged desk. If I drown myself in some work, she'll shut up. I take out my math book and begin my work for the week.

"Jayda," she follows me across the room, "So what are you just going to ignore me?"

"You're not here; you're not here, you're not here," I say out loud, drowning out her voice, her presence.

She laughs, "Cleary, I am here?" her hands wave around the room.

Grabbing my pen, I big to rewrite the polynomial problems onto a plain sheet of paper, "X to the second power, minus four x plus,-"

"It's been two weeks; you haven't said anything to me for two weeks!"

Still scribbling, meaningless problems that I will never use in life, I say, "That's because you aren't here!" she can't be here; it's impossible. I watched her die; I held her in my arms as the life in her wilted away. Physically, yes, she isn't here, but somehow she is here, I can fucking see her, I answer she responds, she talks to me.

"I'm losing my mind," I've chalked all of this up to me just losing my fucking mind; that's the only logical explanation. I did really lose my mind after she died; on the edge of that bridge, I didn't see her; it wasn't until the day after everything when I first saw her.

She didn't say anything, neither did I, every time I opened my eyes, I would see her in whatever room I was in, I think that's also the reason I spent those ten days just sleeping, I didn't understand anything that was going on, she wouldn't go away. She only went away when I slept, but soon as my eyes opened, she was back.