paulson one shots

yours, mine, ours (Pt. 8)

Please stay where you are
Don't come any closer
Don't try to change my mind
I'm being cruel to be kind

The sun shone brightly through Billie's sheer pearl colored curtains. It seemed as though a single ray had made its way onto your face and woken you from your slumber the next morning.

A smile graced your face as you remembered where you were and who you were with. You felt entirely at peace and content entangled in Billie's arms, it was almost too good to be true.

But it was true. Every second of it. And you ate it up happily, storing away every memory you could into the complicated and plentiful folders of your brain.

Billie made you so incredibly happy. So happy that you weren't quite sure why Cordelia still crossed your mind. Of course, you knew, but you didn't want to fall into the reality of the situation yet.

The first thing on your mind when you woke was being wrapped in Billie's arms, feeling safe and content; but soon it faded into deep thoughts of Cordelia and all that happened the past month. And you hated yourself for it.

You wanted to be happy and give your all to Billie. To give no attention or thought to Cordelia, let your mind and body be taken by another love.

But deep down... you knew that trauma wasn't so simple. Distractions were simply distractions, and as much as you wanted to wrap yourself up in Billie forever, you knew that's what she was for you right now. A distraction. And it absolutely killed you.

You had no idea how real your feelings for Billie were. They felt real. But the way your heart raced and ached all at the same time when you came face to face with Cordelia yesterday...

You shook your head softly to rid your mind of these thoughts. Your feelings for Billie were real, as were (and unfortunately are...) your feelings for Cordelia.

Your heart had space for Billie just as much as for Cordelia, and you knew Billie understood the situation to a point. She knew of your struggles with Cordelia and she realized how difficult this was for you. You just hadn't had the conversation yet.

She only ever went as far as you let her, and you appreciated that. Billie took things slow and deliberately as you guided her, and she never pushed for more. She knew your heart was still tangled with Cordelia's and it seemed as though she had come at peace with it.

You could never thank Billie enough for her kindness and compassion towards you. You truly had the most intense and deep feelings for the medium, and you didn't intend on abandoning them simply in favor of your history with Cordelia.

You could create new history with Billie. Hell, you already were.

You stayed in Billie's arms for awhile, your head on her chest, listening to the rhythmic beats of her heart as your head continued to swirl with thoughts.

***

Cordelia's head hit her desk with a loud thump, springing her awake. She had fallen asleep while working again.

She spent the night drowning herself in work so she wouldn't think of you and waste away sobbing in her room like she truly longed to do.

She thought it better to waste away on work instead sorrow. Besides, the supreme was always needed. That was one of the reasons a wedge began between the two of you originally.

Her duties as supreme started to reign higher in Cordelia's eyes than anything else. There used to be balance. She was able to balance being supreme and maintaining healthy friendships and relationships.

But soon she got lost in the power and responsibility, and her priorities began to collide and shift measurably.

Suddenly, you weren't at the top of her list anymore.

Suddenly, she couldn't balance being both your supreme, and lover.

Suddenly, you were at the bottom of her list.

It wasn't like it was a giant shift. You didn't have an event to blame it on. It was gradual, which almost made it hurt the worst. There was no singular fight or delay.

You almost wished it was an event kind of thing. Something that changed things so largely that it wouldn't have been such a difficult and strange grieving process.

You couldn't handle the idea of Cordelia slowly pulling away. Cordelia slowly losing interest in you and beginning to see the things she once loved as your quirks, turn into flaws.

Cordelia regretted it now, of course. But at the time, she had no idea what she had, or what she was, doing. For her, the change wasn't noticeable. She didn't notice. Which almost hurt more than anything.

You two had many a fight about her pulling away, only for her to say that nothing had changed. You felt alone and it hurt so badly that Cordelia didn't believe you. How could she not see?

She wasn't the kind of person to do that. She was always there for you. She always believed you. She always respected your boundaries and wishes. But then, she became a completely different person.

It took losing you, truly losing you, for Cordelia to see what she had done. It came to her all at once like a piano falling from the sky and crushed her like a pound of bricks.

It was heavy and dark and she realized what all she had done. How she had been so blind. It made no sense to Cordelia now, how she could be more blind than she was when her vision was genuinely impaired.

She wanted to fix it. She really truly did want to fix things. But you turned her away, rightfully so. She knew the possibility of you rejecting her was there. She had just hoped for the latter.

***

You somehow fell back asleep despite your racing thoughts. Maybe it was the safeness you felt wrapped up at Billie's side. Or the soft smell of her perfume that soothed even the darkest bits of your soul.

Whatever it was, your peaceful second slumber was soon interrupted by soft kisses all over your face. Your nose and cheeks were peppered with the light touch of Billie's lips.

You scrunched up your nose, laughing softly, a smile forming on your face as you opened your eyes, meeting Billie's.

"Hi." You smiled and she again kissed your nose, your cheek, but then softly planted the final one on your lips. "Good morning darling." All thoughts of Cordelia suddenly disappeared from your mind, replaced by Billie instead, which you didn't mind.

You didn't even notice. You were so extremely happy to be woken up by a woman such as Billie that nothing else even dared to cross your mind.

"What's on the agenda today?" You asked, your throat still coarse as you sat up in the bed. Billie shrugged beside you, settling herself in an upright position to match your own.

"We could watch tv?" She smiled and you laughed. Usually she had something planned. "You really have nothing planned? At all?" You quirked an eyebrow her way and she quickly turned her face from you with a cough.

When she faced you again, a smile etched on her face though you could tell she was trying to be serious and hold her composure. "Nothing at all." Her voice nearly cracked and you shook your head. She was extremely bad at surprises.

"Oh Billie," you poked her arm, "Come onnnnn... What's going on?" You rolled your eyes playfully and she broke out into a smile. "Okay okay i'll tell you!" You shook your head again as she began explaining all her detailed plans for the day, a giant smile on her face the entire time.

You couldn't help but stare at her face and wonder how lucky you were to call her your own.