Chase After Me (Chase Trilogy #1) ✔

Act 3, Chapter 23

Chapter 23 (Act 3): Home

KORRAZON
May mga emosyon sa mga mata niya pero hindi ko mabasa ni isa man lang.

Nagkaroon ang ng kutob at nagsimula na akong matakot. "A-Ace, n-nasaan si Avi?"

"Wala na siya, Korra."

My heart was beating so damn fast and my hands were shaking.

"He died 4 years ago." Paliwanag niya nung hindi parin ako sumagot.

That's when I almost felt my heart, completely stop beating.

Everything around me was muffled. I couldn't hear a thing-- only my own heartbeat that slowed down every passing second.

Naramdaman ko ang pagyakap saakin ni Ace, pero hindi ko parin alam kung ano ang dapat gawin. Natatakot pa rin ako— gulat. "H-Hindi ako... Hindi ako maka-h-hinga." Pero imbes na pakawalan ako ni Ace mas hinigpitan niya lang ang yakap niya saakin.

"He loved you, I know that even in death he still loves you." Iyon lamang ang naintindihan ko sa kina dami-dami ng sinabi niya.

Hindi ako maka-iyak. I couldn't move, nor move a muscle.

Every corner and space that fills and makes my body whole, all felt so numb.

Napansin ko ang paglagay ni Ace ng isang maliit na bagay sa palad ko. Dahan-dahan akong napatingin sa bagay na nasa kamay ko, isa iyong usb na may malit na strawberry key chain sa dulo.

Kalaunan hinatid na ako ni Ace pauwi.

My whole world felt lifeless-- because the person who kept my life lively and full of color is now... dead.

He's been dead for years now.

"T— This has some kind of joke, right? Tinatago niyo lang ba siya saakin dahil ayaw niya ako makita—"

"Korra, please." Nakita ako na seryoso siya at puno rin ng lungkot ang mga mata niya.

Napatingin na lamang ako kay Connie na nagluluto kasama ang mama niya at si Emmie, si Cam naman ay nanonood ng TV habang nagtatype siguro ng report sa laptop niya.

Naramdaman kong nanghihina nanaman muli ako kaya dumiretso na ako sa kuwarto.

I covered myself underneath the comforter while hugging myself.

Ang sarili ko lang naman ay ang maaasahan ko sa dulo, diba?

I still couldn't cry.

I'm still processing habang nakahawak parin sa USB at sulat na ibinigay ni Ace at Saena.

I could hear knocking at my door from time to time pero hindi ako tumayo para sagutin iyon kahit isang besses man lang.

Hindi rin ako nagsalita.

Patuloy lang ang pagtingin ko sa kawalan.

They say when you die your life flashes right before you, but when you're alive the same thing also happens. In my case, every memory I spent with Avi flashed right before me.

And finally, a lone tear escaped.

Followed by another...

And another.

Until I kept on crying to the point that I felt like they wouldn't stop anymore.

Nanginginig ako na isinaksak ang usb sa may laptop ko 'saka ko binuksan ang nag-iisang file na laman ng USB.

The file contained a note that can be opened via notepad and a video.

Una ko na binuksan ang video. Naka-upo si Avi sa hospital bed niya habang suot-suot ang hospital gown niya, napansin ko rin ang dextrose na nakabit sakanya.

He held a guitar before smiling at the camera, shyly kaya kahit na nasa gitna ako ng pag-iyak nakuha ko paring tumawa. 

Pinagpatuloy ko ang pakikinig sa pag kanta ni Avi ng "paumahin" habang binabasa ang nasa loob ng note na kasama rin sa file. 

Korra,

I've been suffering from chronic appendicitis for quite some time now. I was diagnosed a few months before I met you again. I was guilty of all the things I've done in the past, and making myself suffer-- slowly killing myself, was the only way I thought I could repent for my mistakes. I blamed myself for almost everything bad that happened to you back when we were kids. Remembering how cruel I was back then, haunted me. I was often reminded of that fact every time I sleep. But I cared for you, Korra. Even back then, I cared. 

When you came back to Florida Blanca, the first thing I thought was to make it up to you. When you forgave me, I was happy. For the first time in years, I was genuinely happy. I felt alive, being with you. I never planned on doing the surgery even after you forgave me, but as soon as I realized how much I loved you-- how much I wanted to spend forever with you, I decided to do it. You were my inspiration to live, Korra. I wanted to live longer because of you-- because everything in my life started to feel okay. With you, I felt like everything will be okay; you made me feel that as long as I appreciate everything good in life, I'll be happy... I won't be tired anymore. But I know that my epiphany was already too late because, by the time you're reading this, it means that I'm already gone. 

I'm sorry for hiding everything from you. I was scared that if you knew, you'll leave me again or that even if you knew, I'll just drag you down because you'll keep worrying about me. And I don't want that to happen. That possibility scared me. I didn't want to be the reason for you to not reach your dreams, Korra. That's why I pushed you away so many times. 

The moment I realized where you were, I wanted to chase after you, believe me. But I saw how happy you were and I didn't want to barge into your life after years of no communication, so I decided to wait for you. Until you've finally become someone who's content with her life. I stayed strong for a few days, waiting for you by the ocean of Florida Blanca. But then, after only a few weeks, we needed to move to a smaller house because of how much money we were losing after leaving the company unattended. After we moved houses, in a span of a few hours, I was back at the hospital; my organs were failing. Turns out, that the doctor who did the surgery made a mistake and discharged me from the hospital too early. My parents are selling almost everything we have just to file a lawsuit against him. 

I want you to cherish your life, Korra. 

I know nothing about your life but I know you've been through a lot. I'm sorry we didn't have enough time to talk about what you've been through throughout the years we were not and were together. 

Until then move forward with your life. Achieve your goals in life, and when you're finally ready to look for love again. Love someone else as much as you loved me because you deserve to be loved wholeheartedly-- more than I loved you.

Maybe in another life, God will give us another shot and we'll finally make the right decisions.

-Avi.