Vanilla

Chapter 23

The therapist, Dr. James, returned for my therapy session.

My hair was down and some strands were in my face. I was up all night again trying to prevent myself from crying. I missed Lauren more and more each hour that passed.

"Hello Dani, how are you doing today?" Dr. James asks me.

I shrug. "Shit. But what did I expect to feel after my girlfriend ignored me for days."

"I think she'll come around again after she clears her head. Imagine yourself in her shoes. You ask her about her past life, and you're sad all the time because she doesn't remember you. One day she ends up in the hospital for recovering her memories and suffers from health problems. What is the first thing you'll think about?"

"...was it my fault?"

"I believe Lauren just needs space, for now, she's blaming herself for something she didn't do. Give her some time to think it through."

I sigh and nod in agreement. "Fine...you're right."

Dr. James smiles, "Ready to start our session?"

"Yes."

"I wrote a couple of questions down, so my first question is-'' Dr. James opens her notepad to the correct page. "Do you think your friendships were affected by your memory loss?"

"I admit I was a bit distant with Melanin and Lexie, I spaced out a lot and tried my best to hide my depressing thoughts from them. I think they became affected by my behavior and pretended everything was fine on my behalf."

"You said at our last session that Melanin was one of your first best friends. How did you meet her?"

"Eh, I met her during school back then. She was one of those kids that were shy and were stuck with me for a project. It was a science project. I don't remember what it was, but she and I got along well and became friends."

"That's good," she writes something down on her notepad. "You two have history together, but recently there was an incident where she, um, got pregnant by someone."

I felt myself tense up. "Y-yeah."

"Is it okay for you to explain the situation?"

"Sure, it's been handled so I can talk about it." I try to relax before speaking. "Lexie and Melanin always had petty fights here and there, sometimes they'll talk about issues, and sometimes they'll just talk to me and ignore each other. But one day, they just fought one another in school."

"Mhm." The therapist nodded as she listened to me speak.

"Melanin was pregnant by that time, and they fought over something petty." I sighed as I could still hear the pain in their voices talking about it. "Melanin said her ra-um...can I not say the word?"

"Of course, it's fine."

"The man had spiked her drink and you know...did that. Which is still fucked up considering she thought he was single, but he didn't bother waiting for her consent. She was messed up twice, and it's complete bullshit that guys are like this."

"So...she was just...having sex with random people. Sorry if I'm stepping on a boundary by asking that."

"It's fine, and yes she was. I don't know why she was, she never said the reason for doing it. I guess she was lonely and wanted to fill that empty void in her heart."

"I've met her once after one of our sessions, and she looks healthy and bright."

"That's because she's taking a break from sleeping around to fix her mental health. She and Lexie are fixing their friendship, and Melanin is probably going to church to ask for forgiveness."

"Is she religious?"

"No, she just usually goes to church whenever she wants to be alone. I saw her on her knees praying once, and she looked desperate. I wanted to ask her what she was praying for, but back then I was dealing with my own issues so I unconsciously neglected confronting her about it."

"Well, I'm glad you're more open about your issues." Dr. James turns a page on her notepad. "Have there been any incidents where you had to risk your school reputation?"

"Yeah," I looked away. "I fought some guys trying to gang up on Lauren, and punched another guy that was being homophobic and rude."

"Do you always resort to violence?"

"Actually no." I looked back at Dr. James. "That was my first time ever defending someone by resorting to violence."

"Can I give an opinion here?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"People do say words that hurt the person they're targeting, especially the people apart of the LGBTQIA plus community. But Dani, you're still young and about to be an adult in a year or two. You need to understand that you can't always hit people. Sometimes you need to use words instead of hitting people."

"Even when that person constantly pisses me off?"

"Yes, even when the person pisses you off."

"I'll think about it."

"Alright, let's talk about another topic then."

"Okay."

"How about your sexuality?"

"What about it?"

"You said you're demisexual, and that you didn't want to kiss Lauren until you were sure of your feelings and sexuality. Do you know the definition of demisexual?"

"Of course. It means that a person only feels sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with. And it's correct. I was not sexually attracted to Lauren until I had an emotional bond with her. I was not interested in anyone until I met Lauren - before I really talked to Lauren on a friendly basis. I was not planning to have sex with anyone. I didn't want to have sex with anyone, even the thought of doing it made me sick to my stomach."

"What made you rethink your decision with Lauren?"

"At first, I was confused by why her perfume scent calmed me down and made me relaxed, I thought it was because it was a vanilla scent. But something about her gave me a reason to fall in love. She understood me, she listened to me, she stayed by my side even though I wasn't interested in kissing her or being clingy, I allowed myself to be around her, and eventually - we got together."

"So do you only see Lauren as attractive or are girls in general in your interest?"

"I'm not attracted to guys at all nor other girls. I'm only attracted to Lauren. Other people are just not my interest. I'm only sexually and emotionally attracted to Lauren Brooks."

"If I'm honest, I think you were more attracted to her personality. Do you think you're more pansexual than demisexual?"

"I don't know... as I said never actually been attracted to either gender till I met Lauren. I've read books where I felt the main character's emotions for the love interest, but never have I thought about feeling that way in real life."

"I see." the therapist taps her pencil against her notepad. "When was the first time you noticed her?"

"On stage. During our award ceremony. She stood next to me and I smelled her perfume, which calmed me down when I was feeling overwhelmed."

"Now that you know you met Lauren years ago, how do you feel?"

"Like someone who wished they never recovered their memories. At least she'd still be by my side." tears came down from my eyes. "I miss her so much...I want to hug Lauren again."

Before the therapist could speak, a voice interrupted.

"Then hug me, Dani, hug me like you never want to let me go."

I looked up to see Lauren standing there with tears streaming down her cheeks too, she had bags underneath her eyes, and her nose was red. She looked like she hadn't slept in days.

I wanted to ask why she just decided to show up, but my heart craved her warmth. I opened my arms for her and said; "Please...come here so I can hug you and never let go."