Before you go... //h.s

There she goes

I was back in New York; I'd had to leave Harry the day after our car trip much to my disappointment. But, deep sigh, I just had to remember that I would see him soon. We would see each other soon.

My plane flight had been awful, entirely my fault of course, because I had walked through the airport worrying about every single thing that could go wrong on the plane, the engines, the wings, the fuel... and when I'd finally stopped worrying about the plane itself, I then worried about the people. Would I have the bad luck that someone who'd commented on my Instagram would be on the flight? What if they were? Would they sneak up to me with a knife? I know that sounds extreme, but I'd got death threats when people finally found my profile since they thought they should be with Harry or something.

But Harry didn't even know who they were most likely so how the hell did they think they should be with him, not me?

Anyway, I sat in the airport performing rituals like tapping the seat, pacing exactly 54 steps... to make sure that the plane wouldn't crash, that no-one on the flight would recognise me.

My ocd was back in full force and I fucking hated it.

I hadn't gone to work the day I'd got back, planning to go the day after which didn't go down well with Ash when I told him,

Iris: will come back 2 work tomorrow

Ash: Bitch, u fucking wish. Get ur ass here.

I didn't go. Whoops, I would probably regret that later but I didn't want to do anything else today other than curl up in bed and mope about Harry and stress about...well anything. The stress of paparazzi pictures causing so many people to hate on my Instagram was stressing me out and the pressure in my chest was rising higher than I even realised was possible.

How much more hate would come through on my Instagram today?

Much to my surprise, Maya hadn't been home when I'd got home – she must be at work for literally the third time this year and it's July. She would have stayed home if she'd known I was coming back, but I'd forgot to text her. So I just had to content myself with saying hello to Stanely and giving him a small piece of food.

He looked pleased to see me, or at least at pleased as the emotionless face of a fish could.

I'd also forgotten to text Ollie who I hadn't heard from since I'd left our hotel room to go to Harry's. Hopefully he was still alive. But honestly, he hadn't texted me either...so I shouldn't feel too guilty, right?

I was in a completely crap mood. Somewhere between stressed, anxious, upset and tired which makes an awful combination. After dithing on the spot for a while, debating through the clusterfuck of things in my head, I finally sighed.

I would just have to do it, the day had been that bad.

Smoking wasn't something I usually did, I had nothing against it, but it wasn't normal for me. In fact, it was so unusual that even Maya didn't know I smoked. I hid my cigarettes under my mattress like a teenager hiding alcohol from their parents and only retrieved the pack from the depths of my mattress when things had gone to complete shit. Today was one of those days.

I fished my arm under the mattress, swiping back and forth as I tried to locate the cig box and lighter until the cold rectangle was clasped in my hand as I slid it from under the bed in triumph. I wated no time clicking back the lighter, watching the yellow flame dance before I held it to the cigarette.

Partly so my room didn't smell of smoke and partly so Maya didn't find out, I opened my window, leaning out of it as I breathed in the toxic smoke of the cigarette. There she goes played softly in the background as I stared down at the long drop from my window to the floor.

It was a bloody long drop.

But if you didn't look down, if instead you looked straight out, you could see the skyline of New York. And in the early evening in July as the sun just began to dip below the tallest buildings, it was honestly a sight everyone should see before they die.

With faint pinks and purples beginning to paint themselves across the sky and the comforting noise of the cars below, I finally felt my anxiety decrease, if only the smallest drop. The smoke drifted from the stub of my cigarette, flowing and dancing in the air until I could no longer see it. Trailing upwards, blowing sidewards, drifting downwards: it was free to go in any direction it liked and for a minute I was jealous of it.

Then I mentally kicked myself because I was jealous of a fucking cigarette. How much more pathetic could my life get?

A hand reaches my shoulder, swizzling me around so I could face the owner of the hand. Maya appeared in my vision with a happy smile before looking down at my cigarette with a surprised frown.

'I didn't know you smoked?' she spoke,

'Well hello to you too,' I quip back and she throws me a smile, grabbing my shoulders and wrapping me in a tight hug,

'Glad to see you,' she mutters, but then goes back to her original point, obviously not going to let it go, 'but I didn't know you smoked?'

'I don't,' I reply drily not caring how odd that would sound considering I still have the lit stub of a cigarette in my hand.

'Then why...?' she begins but I cut her off, already knowing her question.

'It's a special occasion,' I scrunch my nose and shrug. Special because of the anxiety unconsensual photos of me and Harry on the internet was causing me. A moment passes before she raises an eyebrow, stretching a hand out,

'Gimme a cig then,'

'I thought you didn't smoke?' I repeat the words back to her,

'I don't,' she mocks good naturedly and I shake my head with a laugh as I hand her the lighter and a cig.

We stand in relaxed silence, blowing smoke out the window and watching as it drifted away in the gentle summer breeze. The only noises were the faint shouting and car horns from far below and the soft tune of there she goes in the background.

'Good song,' she finally speaks, jerking her head towards my phone. A small huff escapes me,

'Old music...old films...what can I say other than I was born in the wrong decade?' I laugh and she nods in agreement and recognition.

'So how was Harry's?'

'It was so fun...I met his friends and they're all so nice...' I begin and she cuts me off,

'Yeh I know Mitch, he's a funny guy,' she interrupts, and I remember the strange way they'd got each other's numbers just so they could talk about me and Harry.

'Um and we...oh we...we said I love you,' I tell her and she shrieks.

'Well why the fuck didn't you start with that?'

'Sorry,' I cringe and she shoves my shoulder, leaning out the window to emit some smoke before she turns back to me,

'Well anything else you've conveniently forgotten to tell me? Any other huge detail that you didn't mention...was there any, you know...' she winks suggestively with a grin and this time it's me who shoves her shoulder,

'Sort of...well not really...a little bit,' I jumble and she grins with a shake of her head,

'Finally. It took you long enough,' she jokes.

There she goes - the La's
Hope you enjoyed!! A vote or comment would mean so much to me :)
I'll try and update again tomorrow, I know this was kinda a short chapter xx