Before you go... //h.s

Gone with the wind

^^mental health warning

It was a Saturday afternoon so I was home, and Maya was home. For the past couple of weeks, we'd managed to hardly see each other at all with me working a lot and going to Harry's for a couple of evenings and Maya had been off doing... whatever the fuck Maya did when she wasn't here?

So, we'd planned to meet up with some other of our friends. I know – we had other friends, that always surprised me somehow considering how weird we were when we were together. Anyway, we were going out with some friends later this evening and it was only 4 o clock so we were lounging on the sofa, doing absolutely nothing and thoroughly enjoying ourselves. Gone with the wind was playing in the background on the telly, and I felt back for not shutting up and giving the film the respect that the masterpiece deserved but I couldn't concentrate.

Earlier, Maya had suggested we should go the gym, but we both burst out laughing before she even got through her sentence because the idea was just so ridiculous. We didn't go to the gym. Ever. The scene was something like this:

Maya: Hey, Iris, is it bad we haven't done anything all day and we've just sat around eating even though we have to look hot tonight...

Iris: *clutching a large mug of tea* maybe....

Maya: Should we go to the gy... *both burst out laughing and fall onto the floor at the idea*

Iris: *voice muffled from laughing* who the hell do you think we are?

Maya: I have no fucking idea what came out of my mouth because it's something I would never suggest.

So after that, we slumped on the sofa, eating crisps and chocolate and fattening ourselves up so we'd both look embarrassingly bloated when we went out. Oh well, I guess.

A knock at our door sounded and we looked at each other, completely bewildered. I was here and Maya was here so who the hell was at our door? And who was knocking, normally people just barged in.

I moved the door apprehensively, still having no clue and I opened the door to a relived Harry.

'Oh thank god this is your apartment, I just had to knock on every door I passed until I reached your flat. There was a grumpy woman on the third floor who told me it was a Saturday afternoon and I shouldn't be wandering around,' he tells me, completely bemused by the lady.

'Oh, that's Karen Forbes. She is just grumpy all the time, don't take it personally,' I smile, finding his confusion funny.

Maya looked up from her phone for a brief second, wondering who it was but not really caring so she looked back down straight away. A confused frown flickered across her face, probably her brain processing what she just saw and the frown fluttered across so quickly that if you didn't know her as well as I did, you would have missed it. Then she looked up again and recognition crossed her face. The overly calm expression and posture told me she was internally freaking, screaming and having a dance party, but her exterior is kind, polite as she gets up from the sofa to say hi.

'Harry,' he tells her, and gives her a soft smile.

'Hey, aren't you that man in Mitch's band?' Maya replied, not one to give anyone an easy time until they'd earned it. She knew how to make people uncomfortable and she wore it like a personality trait. Harry coughed and looked at me, completely caught off guard. I shrugged, reigning in a laugh: Maya could be a handful.

'Yeah, something like that,' he muttered, looking at the floor. Taking the opportunity while Harry wasn't looking, I mouthed at Maya with a frown 'be nice'. Harry, inspection of the floor over, looked back up, right into the overly smiling and enthusiastic face of Maya,

'Hiii Harry! It's so nice to meet you, Iris has told me all about you...' I couldn't help but sigh, close to laughing but not sure whether Harry was finding this funny or disconcerting. She was definitely one to tease me in the way most sisters would. She didn't have sisters, so I'd become hers through many years and many tears. Which meant I was the person who received all the shit when she was feeling in the mood, but I didn't mind. And when it was directed at someone who didn't know Maya, it was always amusing to watch them try and handle her.

'Harry, Maya. Maya, shut it.' I said, introducing them before I dragged Harry away from Maya, wondering what the hell he'd come to my apartment for.

'Where's Stanley?' he asks, interested to meet my 'other roommate'. I blush again and bite my lip,

'Well about that... Stanley isn't actually a person, he's a.... goldfish,' I mutter so quietly that I'm not even sure he can hear me. But he clearly did hear me because he laughed loudly, shaking his head at me,

'Iris, I cannot believe you pretended you had a second roommate for what? A month now?' I cleared my throat embarrassed, and told him,

'Ok whoops that was a bit bloody stupid, but can we move on?' I smiled convincingly at him,

'Absolutely not,' he said, still giving me an amused smile much to my disappointment.

Why was he here? What was he doing? Why had he come to visit me? Was something wrong? Was it my mum? No what was I thinking, he didn't even know my mum, I needed to calm down. Except... maybe he was leaving New York and was coming to tell me we'd had fun but he'd never see me again? The familiar stinging of my eyes started, pricking enough to draw me out of my panicking, overthinking state. I couldn't cry in front of him. I just couldn't.

'Hey are you okay?' he asked, concerned. I bit my lip, not trusting myself to speak without sobbing but not wanting to be rude. I had to get out of this situation.

'I'm just going to the loo; I'll be two minutes honestly. Just... wait here,' I said, before rushing to the bathroom. Once there, I pressed my palms to the sink, staring myself in the mirror and I told myself: Iris, this is not the fucking time. Cry later, overthink later. But while Harry's here at least try and act normal. Just do it. You can do it. But... what if he's left whilst your in here? What if he doesn't want to deal with your mess. No. Grow up, you can do this.

And with that I left the bathroom. Anxiety sucked, it was constant overthinking, constant needing to leave a situation even though I wanted to be there and a constant pressure in my chest. It was always there, ruining even the best of days. Anxiety is a problem that seeps into every cell in your body, and sleep doesn't help. You can't fall asleep and let your worries go away, and even when I'm well rested: it's still there. But I'm never well rested. Not anymore because the minute my light turns off and my head hits the pillow, I'm left all alone in a silence with my thoughts. My horrible, disturbing thoughts that I can't stop thinking.

But I need to stop this. He's out there waiting for me and it's not like I'm the only person in the world who struggles with this. So I just need to live my life and cope with it as best I can.

'Sorry,' I gave Harry an apologetic smile. He returned the smile gently, clearly wanting to say something but feeling he had to tread lightly.

'If there's ever anything I can do... call me. Seriously. Any time, just call me. Even if you just need silent company, I'll be there,' he says softly. My heart melts for the man in front of me, someone the same as me who would do anything for his friends. My appreciative silence is noted by him, before he moves on to no doubt what he wanted to say before I went and...well....

'Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to come down to the studio on Tuesday night. Jeff and the band can't make it but I much prefer company, just to talk and from the conversations come ideas and those ideas turn into songs...' he explains

'I'll come, but you do know I can't sing at all. You do realise that right?' I smile

'That can't be true, I'll coax it out of you and I can guarantee you have an amazing voice,' he says and I can't help but laugh,

'You don't need to be sweet, I have many talents but singing is absolutely not one of them. You should hear me and Maya attempting to sing along to our music,' I tell him, 'we usually turn it up so loud that we can't hear each other or ourselves,' he laughs and shakes his head,

'That I'd love to see. Speaking of Maya, can I meet her for real? I feel like I don't know her at all and I should because she's someone who's so important in your life. And I wouldn't mind meeting Stanley either.'