Before you go... //h.s

Black Ash

^^mental health warning
Also sorry. You'll see what I mean as you read the chapter :(

The last two weeks have been shit. Some of the absolute worst in my life, if not the worst.

Firstly, Harry had left for LA again. Secondly, more than a couple of pictures had been taken of us while he was here. So thirdly, the amount of hate I had been getting was worse than before with hundreds of comments pouring every day and how I was using him for fame, about how I was an ugly c**t who was only with Harry for the money and fame, criticizing things I didn't even realise you could be insecure about and of course, more death threats.

There was also the awful incident where the two girls had visited Split Bean, recognised me and Ash had had to ask them to leave to property and never come back because they things that had screamed at me were so rude. It had taken me a while to get over the shakiness that encounter had left me with and now every time I was working, I had a paranoid pressure that a similar thing would happen.

Although Harry was always lovely to any person he met, and preached that to his fans, some of his fans sure were so fucking rude and horrible.

Now the hate I was receiving and panicking about was running around my thoughts constantly. I can't think of anything else, anything I tried to think about was immediately taken over by thoughts of paparazzi and what the public were saying to me. My anxiety over the situation was higher than it had ever been, and my threatening thoughts were re-occurring more and more often. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even make a coffee without stressing about it. I couldn't get it out of my mind, and I hated it was affecting me so much, but I was constantly down, constantly stressed.

So, for the past three days, I'd lain in bed trying to contain my panic attacks while more compulsions whizzed through my brain only serving in panicking me more. I could hardly choke my breaths out and even eating had become hard.

There had been one thought circling my brain, one that each time it had popped into my head I'd pushed down and drowned. But now that thought wouldn't got away.

I knew I would never love anyone as much as I loved him. Because when I saw him, my heart swelled with joy and even a short sentence from him could push anything wrong away. I would do anything to see him smile, truly anything but lately it had all become too much.

There are so many things I still want to do with Harry – I want to watch the stars with him, have more yellow moments together, kiss him again and meet his family. We haven't shared enough yet, there are still so many more things I want to with him.

We were going to see the world together, dance until dawn rose on the mountain tops and shout our wishes onto the wind from a cliff.

But that wasn't going to happen now because the moment had finally come. A tear was already slipping down my face as I picked up my phone with a trembling hand, each of my movements slow as though my heart was trying to prevent what my brain knew I had to do.

There was a click and then the British accent that I loved so much, a small piece of home even when I wasn't really home, spoke.

'Iris!' he answered, and his excited tone made this that much harder to do. I'd already nearly talked myself out of it, but I knew I had to do it.

'Harry,' I speak, trying to stop my voice trembling as the tears increase in speed down my cheeks and splattering onto my jumper, his jumper in fact that I'm wearing.

'How are you darlin',' he speaks, and his loving tone and nickname is too much for me. A small sob escapes me, and I can almost picture his eyebrows furrowing in concern, him teeth grazing his lip slightly in worry.